Friday, April 29, 2011

A Paralysed Zebra.

It takes a blind bloke to see fair play.
Two stupid blokes to shout yay.
A Paralysed Donkey came strolling by.
Booted the blind bloke in the eye.
Thumped him through a solid brick wall.
Into an arid ditch and drowned them all.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 025: Water.

Reflective Water.
Shines like skinny mirrored glass.
Viewed from a creek bank.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring, A Pussy Cat, A Jerk And Big Feet.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

On a dark and stormy night.
The Pussy Cat was blind.
She backed in a barbers shop.
And got shaven on the behind!.

A car stopped with a jerk and the jerk got out!.

Graham is as drunk as a skunk and is stumbling along the well worn footpath when he trips over his own Big Feet and collides with Dean peering under the hood of his brand new Ford ute.
Graham says, What's wrong cobber?.
Piston broke, replies Dean.
Same hear, replies Graham then continues on his wobbly way into the hazy distance!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.   

Friday, April 22, 2011

A Bonza Jest: Gorgeous Sheila's.

Perched on a bar stool in the dusty outback pub a thirsty Jackaroo orders a pot of beer when from across the other side of the bar a callow sheila props herself on the bar stool next to him and says, G' Day mate, are you a dinki di Jackaroo?.
Jackaroo replies, Well i break in horses, round up cattle, perform at rodeo's, pilot a helicopter and do general maintenance around the cattle station i guess that would qualify me as a Jackaroo, What do you do love?.

I'm a dyke replies the callow sheila, I spend all my waking hours dreaming out Gorgeous Sheila's. Soon as i wake in the morning i dream about Gorgeous Sheila's even when i'm in the shower, driving my car, eating food, horse riding and walking down the road everything i do makes me dream about Gorgeous Sheila's.

After a few minutes of silence a callow bloke rolls up props himself on the bar stool on the other side of the Jackaroo and asks, Are you a dinki di Jackaroo?.
Jackaroo replies, Well i'll tell ya this much after all this time i was lead to believe so now i'm not so sure because i just found out a few minutes ago that i'm a dyke.

Gobsmacked the callow bloke stares at him, rolls his eyes, vacates the bar stool, wanders away shaking his head mumbling to himself that there's always one galah in the crowd continues on through the front swinging doors out onto the dusty street and just keeps walking straight into the sunset.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.  

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 024: Earthquakes.

Rumbling landscape.
Earthquakes move the ground like waves.
Tumbling ashore.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring, A Bumber Sticker, Petrol and a Foot.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Came across this Bumper Sticker on a car in the local supermarket carpark which reads "Toot if you love Jesus, Text while driving if you want to meet him". Now that's what i call a road safety message.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?.
Cargo Who?.
Cargo better when you fill it with Petrol!.

Lucas has a appointment today with Chris the Chiropodist and enters the consulting room makes a bee line for the large table in the middle of the room pulls out his willy and flops it on the large table.
That's not a foot, says Chris the Chiropodist.
Lucas replies, I know, but i'm still proud of it's 11 1/2 inches!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, April 15, 2011

A Bonza Jest: Birds In The Bush.

Ruby Redhead asks her father Rupert, What would you like for your birthday on saturday?.
A reliable bird dog for when i go out hunting, replies Rupert Redhead.

Next day Ruby Redhead wanders down to the local pet shop with the intention of buying a bird dog. Inside the pet shop Luke the owner is standing behind the cluttered glass counter when Ruby Redhead asks, How much would a reliable bird dog cost to buy?.
Luke says, $1,500, I have a bird dog out the back that is extra special because Daisy can tell you the number of birds hiding in a bush by the shaking of her head, come out the back and i'll give you a demostration.

With Daisy on a lead Luke and Ruby Redhead walk through the pet shop and out the back where Luke lets Daisy off the lead and she heads straight up to a bush and shakes her head two times. Luke says, there are two birds hiding in that bush, he walks up to the bush and gives it a shake, sure enough two birds fly off, I'm still not convinced, says Ruby Redhead.

Calling Daisy back and putting her back on the lead Luke says, How about we wander down the road a piece to the footy ground where there's plenty of bushes, Ok, then lets go, says Ruby Redhead. 
At the footy ground Luke releases Daisy again and she runs up to a bush shakes her head four times, again Luke shakes the bush, sure enough four birds fly off.

Suddenly Daisy sprints across to the other side of the footy ground and stops beside a giant bush and starts sniffing the base of the giant bush, wanders off, returns with a wooden stick in her mouth then starts running around the giant bush in circles like a lunatic at the same shaking her head wildly with the wooden stick still in her mouth. Ruby Redhead says, What's wrong with Daisy she's gone troppo shaking her head with that stick in her mouth. Luke says, Daisy is saying that there are more birds hiding in that giant bush than you can shake a stick at. Luke wanders over, shakes the giant bush and sure enough dozens upon dozens upon dozens of birds fly off in all directions.
Ruby Redhead says, I'll take Daisy and hands over $1,500 to Luke in cash to seal the deal.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.  

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 023: Pinecones.

Pinecones plummet to the ground.
Strike dense carpet of dead leaves.
Then skitter through underbrush.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Randon Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups , Today I'm Featuring, Six Months, A Cinema And Half Buried??.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Betty Blonde wandered down to the local electronic shop and bought one of those new digital "AM" stereo clock radio's. Sadly though it took Betty Blonde Six Months to wake up that she could listen to the radio at night to!!.

I went to the Cinema tomorrow.
Discovered a front seat at the back.
Fell from the ground to the ceiling.
And smashed the front bone in my back.
Admission was gratis.
I paid at the front door!.

Peter Patient says, Doctor, Doctor I feel dead below the waist.
Doctor Derek replies, Ok then i'll arrange for you to be Half Buried!!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, April 08, 2011

Three Dumb Bandits.

In Sweden Three Dumb Bandits, two blokes and a sheila aged in their twenties wearing combination overalls, balaclavas and brandishing a blood filled syringe burst into a convenience store which is situated on the ground floor of a lofty apartment complex threatening to stick the convenience store owner if he dosen't hand over the days takings from the cash register. After he complies the Three Dumb Bandits make there get away on two motorized wheel chairs parked outside.

Because of a heavy snowfall overnight there are a multitiude of footprints in the snow. When police finally turn up they soon discover the two motorized wheel chairs have left wheel tracks in the snow and follow the tracks right up to the house where the Three Dumb Bandits live and have abandoned the two motorized wheel chairs on the snow covered driveway. All that was left to do was for the police to knock on the front door wait for it to be answered then pile inside and nab 'em which is what exactly happened. How dumb can you get.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 022: Canopies.

Descending snowflakes.
Silently arrive on tree Canopies.
Gusting winds shake free.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, April 04, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring, Teachers, Adam and Blokes 'N' Sheila's.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What type of food do maths teacher consume?.
A: Numeral ones!.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?.
Adam Who?.
Adam up and give me the total!.

Blokes like Sheila's who do.
Blokes like Sheila's who don't.
Blokes hate Sheila's who say they will, then say they won't.
But best of all.
Blokes love Sheila's who say they never will.
But look as if they might!.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, April 01, 2011

A Bonza Jest: Extra Deliveries.

While watching one of the many daytime soaps on t.v., when suddenly the door bell chimes. Julia lying flat out on the couch mumbles to herself that she'd just got comfortable and now has to rise to answer the front door. Standing in the doorway is her husband's manager Gerry who says, Thought i'd drop by as i was in the neighbourhood to let you know Garry has extra deliveries to make tonight and won't be home until much, much later.

Keen to keep her husband's manager happy and at the same time score some extra brownie points with Garry, Julia invites Gerry in for a cup of coffee. Once inside Gerry asks, How about we race upstairs for a quickie, Julia quickly refuses. 
Come on Gerry replies, I'll show you a bonza time and even pay you $2,000 for your trouble so now what do ya say?.

Struggling to make ends meet because of the ever mounting debts, Julia reluctantly agrees and they both trot on upstairs to the master bedroom. Half an hour goes by with the deed done Gerry hands over the $2,000 as promised and leaves with a big fat arrogant smirk on his fat ugly face. Meanwhile Julia stashes the $2,000 in her red leather handbag for safe keeping.

Around midnight Garry arrives home, parks his delivery van in the two car garage and is greeted at the back door by Julia.
Had any visitors today?, Garry asks.
Yep, your manager Gerry dropped by to let me know you'd be working late tonight with extra deliveries, replies Julia.
Oh! good says Garry, did Gerry drop off my pay packet as well it should come to a total of $2,000 on the nose?. Furious and guilty Julia removes the pay packet containing the $2,000 from her red leather handbag, hands it over to Garry without further discussion.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.