Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: The Dentist, 28 Days, and Maths.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: Why did the mosquito go to The Dentist?.
A: To improve his bite!.

Tim Teacher asks his pupils, can anyone tell me which month has 28 Days?.
Patrick Pupil slowly raises his hand.
Yes Patrick what's your answer.
All of them!.

Q: What type of snake is superb at Maths?.
A: An adder!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Haggish Head.

Riding down the mountainside
came a lofty Knight
to liberate the common folk
from a flighty Hag.
Who reigned with fear
across the wind swept lands.

Once upon a distant time
the Knight and the Hag
were passionate lovers.
Scorned and heart broken
eyes wild with pain
the Knight did vow
to crush the Hags mighty reign.

Gazing into her crystal ball
she eyed the Knight draw near
riding full pelt
toward her seedy castle.
She sent demented demons
way up in the sky
to meet the Knight head on.

With magic sword raised high
the Knight did slay
all the demented demons
one by one
until there were none.

Through the castle gates
he did thunder
and scaled worn steps
that lead to the
Hags gloomy lair.

With a potent swipe
of his magic sword
he decapitated
her Haggish Head.
It flew across
the gloomy lair
ending once and
for all their
torrid love affair.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Fair Dinkum Haiku 095: Tabby.

Lets make love here.
Under the Tabby moon.
On this bed of grass.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: Herdsmen, Jelly and Shoplifters.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: Why do celtic Herdsman wear tartan kilts?.
A: So the sheep don't hear the zip!.

Burt Blonde asks, Why do ya feed Daisy Dog bowls of Jelly?.
Rusty Redhead replies, I want to see if she'll poop Jelly beans!.

A sign in the window of the Contention Supermarket warns potential shoplifters of their fate should they be caught shoplifting.

Warning to shoplifters.
Anybody caught shoplifting.
Will be gagged and handcuffed to a chair.
Beaten to within an inch of their life.
Whipped with a cat-o-nine tails.
Any survivors will then be prosecuted to the full extent of
the law.                       

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.  

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Fair Dinkum Haiku 094: Rockpool.

Tiny Rockpool souls.
Clamber around sculpted stone.
Shot with shiny quartz.

A quick note: That was the final of my regular Saturday Fair Dinkum Haiku. For the reason why please read last Monday's post.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Large Sign In The Window.

Its been 12 months to the day since Betty Blondes tabby cat Chloe was run over by a fully loaded 18 wheel petrol tanker and squashed flat as a pancake into the concrete driveway of the Contention Petrol Station. All that remained were Chloes brown leather collar, shiny chrome bell, pink name tag and the Contention City Council metal registration disc which Betty buried a week later in a small white cardboard coffin in the Contention Pet Cemetery.

Next morning Betty decides to visit her beloved tabby cat Chloe and gives Ruby Redhead a bell on her mobile phone. After a few chirps Ruby eventually answers and says, G' Day Betty what's up?.
Do you realise its been 12 months since my tabby cat Chloe passed away.
No i didn't, my how time flies, replies Ruby.
What i'm asking can you come with me this afternoon to the Contention Pet Cemetery.
No can do, i'm about to leave for work, i know somebody else who will go with you.
Who would that be?.
I was speaking with Jade Juniper last night and she'll be at a loose end this afternoon, give her a tingle.
Ok i'll give Jade a tingle, She hangs up, speed dials Jade who answers on the first ring and says, G' day Betty this is a pleasant surprise what's up?.
Will ya come with me this afternoon to the Contention Pet Cemetery and visit my tabby cat Chloe who passed away 12 months ago?.
I'll be happy to we can buy a bunch of flowers to place on her grave from the Contention Flower Shop next door.
Good idea i'll catch the next bus and get off at the bus stop across the road from your place.
Bonza see ya shortly.

Half an hour later Jade is waiting at her front gate for Betty when a bus pulls up across the road, spews out a few passengers, takes off in a cloud of black diesel smoke leaving Betty standing at the bus stop waving at Jade who ambles across the road and greets Betty with an air kiss and hug.
Sorry i'm a bit late there was a three car pile-up down the road a tad, says Betty.
That's ok the Contention Pet Cemetery is just around the corner only a short walk away won't take us long, replies Jade.
Ok lets go.

Down the footpath, around the corner Betty and Jade stroll reaching their first port of call the Contention Flower shop. Betty grabs hold of the front door handle tries twisting it and opening the front door at the same time with no result.
That's a shame its closed, i wonder why, asks Betty.
There is a Large Sign In The Window, replies Jade pointing in the general direction.
Betty stands adjacent to the window and proceeds to read it.
What does it say?, asks Jade.
It says: Sorry folks!
            we will be closed
            at 12pm today.
            Mary's mother fell off
            her perch & we all
            need to go plant her.
            Regards, management 
            & staff.
Crikey the shop owners have a strange but comical attitude toward death, says Jade.
Ya not wrong, anyway lets move on and pay our respects to Chloe then head on home, replies Betty.

During my morning walk i came across the sign mentioned in a shop window but didn't have pen or paper with me at the time to jot it down. I went back the next morning hoping the sign was still in the window this time armed with pen and paper and this tale is the result of what flowed from my bizarre mind.

A quick note: That was the final of my regular Friday morning posts. Instead join me every Saturday afternoon starting "Saturday Week" for the usual mayhem that you come to expect from my regular Friday posts. For the reason why please read last Monday's post, until then keep smiling.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke. 

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Fair Dinkum Haiku 093: Whirl.

Standing in the shade.
Hands over each others heart.
We feel the love Whirl.

A quick note: Beginning next week Fair Dinkum Haiku is moving from Wednesday mornings to Thursday mornings. For the reason why please read last Mondays post.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Pig Meat, A Toilet Roll and Your Mother-In-Law.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Dean Diner is holding up a fork with a piece of Pig Meat on one end for inspection by Wilbur Waiter and says, Do you call this pig?.
Which end of the fork are you referring to?, replies Wilbur Waiter.

Q: How many men does it take to change A Toilet Roll?.
A: Nobody knows, its never happened before!.

Q: Is there any difference between a vulture and Your Mother-In-Law?.
A: Yes, the vulture waits until your dead!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.

A quick note: I've noticed over the last few months that i've become quite addicted to Blogging, which has left me little or no time to follow other pursuits. Beginning next week Random Humour For Grown Ups is moving to a new home on Tuesday mornings until then keep smiling.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.  

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Fair Dinkum Haiku 092: Loiter.

Demons of the night.
Loiter around your bedroom.
Howling for your soul.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Billy Tea.

Its been two years since Lucas Lavender and Josh Juniper took over the running of the Contention Firewood Supply. In that time neither of them have gone on holidays or even had a weekend off. On friday morning Lucas and Josh follow the same routine as they have done for the last two years when Josh pipes up and says, I was thinking last night, when it dawned on me that we haven't had a break in the two years since we took over this business, its been flat chat seven days a week, we deserve a weekend off to go camping.
Has it really been that long, my how time flies when you're having fun, replies Lucas.
I wouldn't call it fun its been a hard slog.
So what do you have in mind?.
After the last delivery this afternoon lets load up one of the utes with our camping gear and head off to the Contention National Park before first light tomorrow morning.
Ok we'll take the weekend off and go camping.

Before first light next morning Lucas and Josh take off down the misty main road in their ute that is chock-a-block with camping gear. Just as the sun peeps above the tree tops, they turn off the main road, through the wide gates and enter the Contention National Park, zip down a bumpy road full of potholes filled with murky water right to the end where it meets the Contention River.
Where do ya reckon is a good spot to set up camp?, asks Lucas.
Near those clump of bushes should do, but not to close to the river we don't want to be flooded out should it rain cats and dogs. Lucas pulls up beside the clump of bushes and they begin to unload the ute and set up camp.
I'll wander around and collect a bundle of firewood for the fire so we can boil the billy for a brew, says Lucas.
While you're doing that i'll hunt around for a number of stones to build a fire place with, says Josh.
When that's done i think it would be time for a spot of fishing, hopefully we'll catch enough fish for tonights dinner.

When the fire dies down to glowing red coals Lucas rests a billy full of water on the warm stones, adds one spoonful of tea leaves for each person and one for the billy. Grabbing their fishing rods, tackle box and bait from the ute they wander along the skinny winding track toward the river. Within an hour they have landed four river trout between them.
I think four will do us for now, says Lucas.
I could go a brew right about now anyway, replies Josh.
With that they pack up their fishing gear and make their way back to the campsite and stash their fishing gear in the ute, wander over to the nearly dead campfire, where Lucas grabs a small slim branch, lifts the billy off the warm stones then in turn lifts off the lid, peers inside only to find tea leaves remain.
Well don't that beat all some mongrel has drunk our brew, says Lucas.
How low can ya get, replies Josh.
Not to worry i'll have a special surprise for the mongrel tomorrow.
What's a special surprise?.
You'll have to wait and see.

Next morning Lucas fills the billy with water, adds the tea leaves and is about to add his special surprise but stops when Josh walks up and stands beside him and asks, what's this special surprise of yours you've got cooked up?.
Stroll over to the ute and grab our rifles and ammo, says Lucas.
I take it we're going rabbit hunting, replies Josh.
Yep, we sure are.
While Josh strolls over to the ute Lucas adds his special surprise to the billy, sprints over to Josh, grabs his rifle and drags Josh through the bushes for a couple hours of rabbit hunting. After bagging three good sized rabbits they decide to head back to the campsite to see if the same mongrel has drunk their brew again. Crashing through the bushes they both sprint to the campfire along the way Lucas grabs the steel barbeque tongs, lifts off the billy's lid to find the brew hasn't be drunk, he then dips the tongs in the billy's water feeling around for his special surprise that is his spare set of mouldy false teeth, lifts 'em out to show Josh.
My special surprise worked a treat, says Lucas.
Ya not wrong, i don't think anyone will be game enough to drink our brew again, yuk!, disgusting, replies Josh.
I'll make a fresh brew while you're skinning and gutting the rabbits, by the time you've finished it should be well and truely brewed.
Came across this story in the newspaper which actually happened the real parts are the false teeth and the billy tea. Once again my bizarre mind went into overdrive adding bits and pieces here and there. Would you drink billy tea after somebody's mouldy false teeth were placed in it, i know i wouldn't yuk!.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.   

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Fair Dinkum Haiku 091: Meandering.

Up Meandering path.
Snow crunches under my feet.
Up to the back door.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Monday, January 09, 2012

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: 50 Legs, A Ten Foot Fence and a Fixed Meal Menu.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What has 50 Legs but can't walk?.
A: Half a centipede!.

I bought this horse from you because you said he could jump as high as a Ten Foot Fence, thruth is he can't jump at all, says Clarry.

Well, neither can a Ten Foot Fence!, says Harry.

Ernie and Kate are on holidays and are staying at the Contention Hotel for two weeks which includes a Fixed Meal Menu chosen by Ernie and Kate.

Its room 666 here and we're ready for our dinner of lobsters and caviar, says Ernie, whose on the phone to room service.

Half an hour later there's a knock on the door and Wally Waiter shouts room service, Ernie wanders over followed by Kate, opens the door and spies what's on the plates and says, We didn't order sardines and coleslaw we ordered lobsters and caviar from the Fixed Meal Menu.

Sadly we're all out of lobsters and caviar today sir, replies Wally Waiter, with a sly smirk on his puss.
Could we at least have potato salad instead tasteless coleslaw?.
Sorry, no substitutions allowed!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Saturday, January 07, 2012

Fair Dinkum Haiku 090: Slithers.

Time Slithers away.
Daylight is slowly fading.
Nighttime emerges.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Friday, January 06, 2012

Funky Anagrams.

What is an Anagram?, its a word or phrase which the letters are rearranged to form another word or phrase.


Rearrange CONVERSATION and you get: VOICES RANT ON.

Rearrange DISNEYLAND and you get: LADY SINNED.

Rearrange DEBIT CARD and you get: BAD CREDIT.

Rearrange MADRID, SPAIN and you get: IS DAMP DRAIN.


Which Anagram is your favourite?.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Fair Dinkum Haiku 089: Desolate.

Lonely mountain peak.
Desolate for miles around.
Fierce cold wind biting.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Monday, January 02, 2012

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: Buns, A Name Tag, Dead End.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What type of dance do Buns do?.
A: Abundance!.

The Contention Nursing Home has arranged an outing to the Contention Zoo and each resident is handed A Name Tag with their name on it.
Do ya know what the draw back is when you get old?, asks Jock.
I haven't a clue, replies Clarry.
When you're given A Name Tag and you have to pin it on yourself upside down so you don't forget who you are!.

Q: Why did the employee quit his at the mortuary?.
A: Because its a Dead End job!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Fair Dinkum Haiku 088: Blinding.

Rich lightning flashes.
Ascending daystar dazzles.
Blinding your tired eyes.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.