It is with a heavy heart that i bid you all Farewell. So until we meet again in the after life, take care, stay safe see ya.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Bizarre Scribble.
Humour, Poems and Yarns from the Pen of a Complete Novice.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Bananas, $2 and Pants.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why are Bananas never lonely?.
A: Because they hang around in bunches!.
Waiter, waiter there's a dead fly in my tomato soup!, says Deanna Diner.
What do ya expect for $2, a live one!, replies Wilbur Waiter.
Newlyweds Owen and Olivia Onion are in their honeymoon suite in the up market Contention Hotel when Owen decides to lay down the law right from the very start of their marriage.
Standing in front of Olivia, Owen removes his trousers and chucks 'em at her and says, put those on.
I can't wear your trousers, replies Olivia.
And don't ya ever forget it because i'm the only one who will wear the pants in this family.
Furious Olivia removes her knickers and chucks 'em at Owen with the same force and says, try those on.
I can't get into you knickers.
And ya never will until ya change that chauvinistic attitude!.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why are Bananas never lonely?.
A: Because they hang around in bunches!.
Waiter, waiter there's a dead fly in my tomato soup!, says Deanna Diner.
What do ya expect for $2, a live one!, replies Wilbur Waiter.
Newlyweds Owen and Olivia Onion are in their honeymoon suite in the up market Contention Hotel when Owen decides to lay down the law right from the very start of their marriage.
Standing in front of Olivia, Owen removes his trousers and chucks 'em at her and says, put those on.
I can't wear your trousers, replies Olivia.
And don't ya ever forget it because i'm the only one who will wear the pants in this family.
Furious Olivia removes her knickers and chucks 'em at Owen with the same force and says, try those on.
I can't get into you knickers.
And ya never will until ya change that chauvinistic attitude!.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Friday, February 15, 2013
A Bonza Jest: Suntanned.
After showering and drying himself with a large fluffy towel Josh Juniper admires his Suntanned and athletic body in a free standing full length mirror. Josh is a health and vegan freak, he lifts weights and jogs ten clicks everyday along the pristine Contention Seaside. Much to his disappointment is the fact that his willy is the only part of his body not Suntanned. After pondering how to remedy this problem Josh comes up with the perfect solution.
The next day he jogs along the beach and finds a suitable spot and starts digging a hole in the sand with his bare hands, removes his clothes chucks 'em in the hole, then lays down in his birthday suit in the hole buries himself up to his neck leaving his head poking out which he covers with a wide brim straw hat and falls asleep with his willy exposed to the blazing midday sun hoping it will be Suntanned when he wakes up.
Strolling along the beach in their full length bathing costumes are Grandma Gwen and her best cobber Grandma Grace when they come across Josh buried in the sand.
Stunned Grandma Gwen points her finger at Joshs willy poking out of the sand and says, do ya see what i see, i reckon there really is no justice in the world.
I see what ya see, but what's ya point?, asks Grandma Grace.
When i was 20 ...... I was facinated by it.
When i was 30 ...... I relished it.
When i was 40 ...... I begged for it.
When i was 50 ...... I forked out heaps of money to have it.
When i was 60 ...... I craved for it.
When i was 70 ...... I lost interest.
Now that i am 80 the damn things are growing wild and i'm too old to get down and pleasure myself.
I know exactly how ya feel.
A few hours later Josh wakes up in pain, removes his hat to discover his willy is red raw and blistered, gets dressed and limps painfully home.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
The next day he jogs along the beach and finds a suitable spot and starts digging a hole in the sand with his bare hands, removes his clothes chucks 'em in the hole, then lays down in his birthday suit in the hole buries himself up to his neck leaving his head poking out which he covers with a wide brim straw hat and falls asleep with his willy exposed to the blazing midday sun hoping it will be Suntanned when he wakes up.
Strolling along the beach in their full length bathing costumes are Grandma Gwen and her best cobber Grandma Grace when they come across Josh buried in the sand.
Stunned Grandma Gwen points her finger at Joshs willy poking out of the sand and says, do ya see what i see, i reckon there really is no justice in the world.
I see what ya see, but what's ya point?, asks Grandma Grace.
When i was 20 ...... I was facinated by it.
When i was 30 ...... I relished it.
When i was 40 ...... I begged for it.
When i was 50 ...... I forked out heaps of money to have it.
When i was 60 ...... I craved for it.
When i was 70 ...... I lost interest.
Now that i am 80 the damn things are growing wild and i'm too old to get down and pleasure myself.
I know exactly how ya feel.
A few hours later Josh wakes up in pain, removes his hat to discover his willy is red raw and blistered, gets dressed and limps painfully home.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Three True Blue Haiku.
1: Arteries.
Flashes of lightning
Cascade across the night sky
Like pale Arteries.
2: Treks.
Red and black spider
Legs pumping furiously
Treks across the floor.
3: Echoing.
Heed distant thunder
Echoing across the sky
Lightning scintillates.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Flashes of lightning
Cascade across the night sky
Like pale Arteries.
2: Treks.
Red and black spider
Legs pumping furiously
Treks across the floor.
3: Echoing.
Heed distant thunder
Echoing across the sky
Lightning scintillates.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Helmets, Smear, A Pun, Missing, Spawn and Butter.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why are men like motor bike Helmets?.
A: They are handy in an emergency, otherwise they just look silly!.
Q: What do ya do when your girlfriend starts to smoke?
A: Stop and Smear on a bit of lubricant!.
The local Contention Rag is having A Pun contest in which Josh Juniper has entered ten different puns hoping at least one pun would be the winner, much to Joshs dismay no pun in ten did!.
Nurse, nurse did ya take the patients temparture?, asks Doctor Derek.
No!, why is it missing?, replies Nurse Nadia.
Q: Why did God Spawn Adam before Eve?.
A: Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to Spawn Adam!.
Q: How do ya make a butterfly?.
A: Flick it out of the Butter dish with a knife!.
Until next keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why are men like motor bike Helmets?.
A: They are handy in an emergency, otherwise they just look silly!.
Q: What do ya do when your girlfriend starts to smoke?
A: Stop and Smear on a bit of lubricant!.
The local Contention Rag is having A Pun contest in which Josh Juniper has entered ten different puns hoping at least one pun would be the winner, much to Joshs dismay no pun in ten did!.
Nurse, nurse did ya take the patients temparture?, asks Doctor Derek.
No!, why is it missing?, replies Nurse Nadia.
Q: Why did God Spawn Adam before Eve?.
A: Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to Spawn Adam!.
Q: How do ya make a butterfly?.
A: Flick it out of the Butter dish with a knife!.
Until next keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
A Bonza Jest: Eyeball The Conclusion.
Wandering across the overgrown weed infested paddock is Barnaby Bones whose carrying a fishing rod in one hand and a wicker basket stocked with odds and ends in the other. Barnaby plonks himself next to Captain Percy who asks, who would ye be me lad?.
I'm known as Barnaby Bones, but you can call me Barny.
Barny is it, well Barny me lad how many fish have ye caught on this fine afternoon?.
None, Are ye a fair dinkum pirate?.
That i am, Captain Percy Pirate at ye service.
How did ye lose ye leg?.
I was standing on the bridge of me ship during a mighty storm when a monsterous wave washed me overboard and straight into the jaws of a white pointer shark who chomped me leg clean off.
Crikey!, How did ye lose ye hand?.
Many moons ago i was in a wild brawl on the deck of me ship trying to repel boarders when one of 'em sliced off me hand with a cutlass. I tried to find me hand but couldn't, so me quack had this fine looking hook made.
Silence ensued for what seemed an eternity until finally Barny asks, How did ye lose ye Eyeball?.
One morning it was my turn to stand watch in the crows nest, when i gazed up at the cloudless blue sky a pesky seagull flew over and dropped a sloppy white poo in me Eyeball.
How did that cause ye to lose ye Eyeball?.
When i went to wipe away the sloppy white poo i used my hand with the hook which i'd forgot about because i'd only gotten the hook the night before and accidently gouged out me Eyeball which sailed through the air, toward the deck below, then bounced off the deck like a rubber tennis ball and over the ships railing.
Just as me Eyeball was about to make a splash down another pesky seagull swoops out of the sky and catches me Eyeball in its beak, but just before the pesky seagull could fly away a white pointer shark leaps out of the water grabs 'em both and takes 'em down to Davey Jones locker. Stunned by what he just heard Barny gathers up his fishing gear and strides across the overgrown weed infested paddock hoping to be home in time for tea.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
I'm known as Barnaby Bones, but you can call me Barny.
Barny is it, well Barny me lad how many fish have ye caught on this fine afternoon?.
None, Are ye a fair dinkum pirate?.
That i am, Captain Percy Pirate at ye service.
How did ye lose ye leg?.
I was standing on the bridge of me ship during a mighty storm when a monsterous wave washed me overboard and straight into the jaws of a white pointer shark who chomped me leg clean off.
Crikey!, How did ye lose ye hand?.
Many moons ago i was in a wild brawl on the deck of me ship trying to repel boarders when one of 'em sliced off me hand with a cutlass. I tried to find me hand but couldn't, so me quack had this fine looking hook made.
Silence ensued for what seemed an eternity until finally Barny asks, How did ye lose ye Eyeball?.
One morning it was my turn to stand watch in the crows nest, when i gazed up at the cloudless blue sky a pesky seagull flew over and dropped a sloppy white poo in me Eyeball.
How did that cause ye to lose ye Eyeball?.
When i went to wipe away the sloppy white poo i used my hand with the hook which i'd forgot about because i'd only gotten the hook the night before and accidently gouged out me Eyeball which sailed through the air, toward the deck below, then bounced off the deck like a rubber tennis ball and over the ships railing.
Just as me Eyeball was about to make a splash down another pesky seagull swoops out of the sky and catches me Eyeball in its beak, but just before the pesky seagull could fly away a white pointer shark leaps out of the water grabs 'em both and takes 'em down to Davey Jones locker. Stunned by what he just heard Barny gathers up his fishing gear and strides across the overgrown weed infested paddock hoping to be home in time for tea.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Three True Blue Haiku.
1: Grandiose.
Love is Grandiose.
Love brings tears to your eyes.
Love causes the blues.
2: Wavecrests.
In sandy sea pools
Where Wavecrests rise and fall
and tumble ashore.
3: Lovin'
Open your cold heart
Allow the warm light back in
Start Lovin' again.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Love is Grandiose.
Love brings tears to your eyes.
Love causes the blues.
2: Wavecrests.
In sandy sea pools
Where Wavecrests rise and fall
and tumble ashore.
3: Lovin'
Open your cold heart
Allow the warm light back in
Start Lovin' again.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Lost In Translation.
All of these signs and bloopers are located in countries where English is a second language and in some instances in English speaking countries they are not much better.
Marternity ward sign reads: No children allowed in the maternity wards!.
Sign at ski resort reads: Special today..... No ice-cream!.
Tourist agency sign reads: Take one of our horse driven city tours, we guarantee no miscarriages!.
Sign on doctors doorway reads: Specialist in women and other diseases!.
Hotel flyer reads: As for the trout served you at the hotel, you will be singing its praise to your grand children as you lie on your deathbed!.
Hotel notice reads: If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence, please cry out for the chambermaid!.
Campsite sign reads: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest campsite that people of different gender, for instance, men and women live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose!.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Marternity ward sign reads: No children allowed in the maternity wards!.
Sign at ski resort reads: Special today..... No ice-cream!.
Tourist agency sign reads: Take one of our horse driven city tours, we guarantee no miscarriages!.
Sign on doctors doorway reads: Specialist in women and other diseases!.
Hotel flyer reads: As for the trout served you at the hotel, you will be singing its praise to your grand children as you lie on your deathbed!.
Hotel notice reads: If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence, please cry out for the chambermaid!.
Campsite sign reads: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest campsite that people of different gender, for instance, men and women live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose!.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
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