It is with a heavy heart that i bid you all Farewell. So until we meet again in the after life, take care, stay safe see ya.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Bananas, $2 and Pants.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why are Bananas never lonely?.
A: Because they hang around in bunches!.
Waiter, waiter there's a dead fly in my tomato soup!, says Deanna Diner.
What do ya expect for $2, a live one!, replies Wilbur Waiter.
Newlyweds Owen and Olivia Onion are in their honeymoon suite in the up market Contention Hotel when Owen decides to lay down the law right from the very start of their marriage.
Standing in front of Olivia, Owen removes his trousers and chucks 'em at her and says, put those on.
I can't wear your trousers, replies Olivia.
And don't ya ever forget it because i'm the only one who will wear the pants in this family.
Furious Olivia removes her knickers and chucks 'em at Owen with the same force and says, try those on.
I can't get into you knickers.
And ya never will until ya change that chauvinistic attitude!.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why are Bananas never lonely?.
A: Because they hang around in bunches!.
Waiter, waiter there's a dead fly in my tomato soup!, says Deanna Diner.
What do ya expect for $2, a live one!, replies Wilbur Waiter.
Newlyweds Owen and Olivia Onion are in their honeymoon suite in the up market Contention Hotel when Owen decides to lay down the law right from the very start of their marriage.
Standing in front of Olivia, Owen removes his trousers and chucks 'em at her and says, put those on.
I can't wear your trousers, replies Olivia.
And don't ya ever forget it because i'm the only one who will wear the pants in this family.
Furious Olivia removes her knickers and chucks 'em at Owen with the same force and says, try those on.
I can't get into you knickers.
And ya never will until ya change that chauvinistic attitude!.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Friday, February 15, 2013
A Bonza Jest: Suntanned.
After showering and drying himself with a large fluffy towel Josh Juniper admires his Suntanned and athletic body in a free standing full length mirror. Josh is a health and vegan freak, he lifts weights and jogs ten clicks everyday along the pristine Contention Seaside. Much to his disappointment is the fact that his willy is the only part of his body not Suntanned. After pondering how to remedy this problem Josh comes up with the perfect solution.
The next day he jogs along the beach and finds a suitable spot and starts digging a hole in the sand with his bare hands, removes his clothes chucks 'em in the hole, then lays down in his birthday suit in the hole buries himself up to his neck leaving his head poking out which he covers with a wide brim straw hat and falls asleep with his willy exposed to the blazing midday sun hoping it will be Suntanned when he wakes up.
Strolling along the beach in their full length bathing costumes are Grandma Gwen and her best cobber Grandma Grace when they come across Josh buried in the sand.
Stunned Grandma Gwen points her finger at Joshs willy poking out of the sand and says, do ya see what i see, i reckon there really is no justice in the world.
I see what ya see, but what's ya point?, asks Grandma Grace.
When i was 20 ...... I was facinated by it.
When i was 30 ...... I relished it.
When i was 40 ...... I begged for it.
When i was 50 ...... I forked out heaps of money to have it.
When i was 60 ...... I craved for it.
When i was 70 ...... I lost interest.
Now that i am 80 the damn things are growing wild and i'm too old to get down and pleasure myself.
I know exactly how ya feel.
A few hours later Josh wakes up in pain, removes his hat to discover his willy is red raw and blistered, gets dressed and limps painfully home.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
The next day he jogs along the beach and finds a suitable spot and starts digging a hole in the sand with his bare hands, removes his clothes chucks 'em in the hole, then lays down in his birthday suit in the hole buries himself up to his neck leaving his head poking out which he covers with a wide brim straw hat and falls asleep with his willy exposed to the blazing midday sun hoping it will be Suntanned when he wakes up.
Strolling along the beach in their full length bathing costumes are Grandma Gwen and her best cobber Grandma Grace when they come across Josh buried in the sand.
Stunned Grandma Gwen points her finger at Joshs willy poking out of the sand and says, do ya see what i see, i reckon there really is no justice in the world.
I see what ya see, but what's ya point?, asks Grandma Grace.
When i was 20 ...... I was facinated by it.
When i was 30 ...... I relished it.
When i was 40 ...... I begged for it.
When i was 50 ...... I forked out heaps of money to have it.
When i was 60 ...... I craved for it.
When i was 70 ...... I lost interest.
Now that i am 80 the damn things are growing wild and i'm too old to get down and pleasure myself.
I know exactly how ya feel.
A few hours later Josh wakes up in pain, removes his hat to discover his willy is red raw and blistered, gets dressed and limps painfully home.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Three True Blue Haiku.
1: Arteries.
Flashes of lightning
Cascade across the night sky
Like pale Arteries.
2: Treks.
Red and black spider
Legs pumping furiously
Treks across the floor.
3: Echoing.
Heed distant thunder
Echoing across the sky
Lightning scintillates.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Flashes of lightning
Cascade across the night sky
Like pale Arteries.
2: Treks.
Red and black spider
Legs pumping furiously
Treks across the floor.
3: Echoing.
Heed distant thunder
Echoing across the sky
Lightning scintillates.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Helmets, Smear, A Pun, Missing, Spawn and Butter.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why are men like motor bike Helmets?.
A: They are handy in an emergency, otherwise they just look silly!.
Q: What do ya do when your girlfriend starts to smoke?
A: Stop and Smear on a bit of lubricant!.
The local Contention Rag is having A Pun contest in which Josh Juniper has entered ten different puns hoping at least one pun would be the winner, much to Joshs dismay no pun in ten did!.
Nurse, nurse did ya take the patients temparture?, asks Doctor Derek.
No!, why is it missing?, replies Nurse Nadia.
Q: Why did God Spawn Adam before Eve?.
A: Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to Spawn Adam!.
Q: How do ya make a butterfly?.
A: Flick it out of the Butter dish with a knife!.
Until next keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why are men like motor bike Helmets?.
A: They are handy in an emergency, otherwise they just look silly!.
Q: What do ya do when your girlfriend starts to smoke?
A: Stop and Smear on a bit of lubricant!.
The local Contention Rag is having A Pun contest in which Josh Juniper has entered ten different puns hoping at least one pun would be the winner, much to Joshs dismay no pun in ten did!.
Nurse, nurse did ya take the patients temparture?, asks Doctor Derek.
No!, why is it missing?, replies Nurse Nadia.
Q: Why did God Spawn Adam before Eve?.
A: Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to Spawn Adam!.
Q: How do ya make a butterfly?.
A: Flick it out of the Butter dish with a knife!.
Until next keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
A Bonza Jest: Eyeball The Conclusion.
Wandering across the overgrown weed infested paddock is Barnaby Bones whose carrying a fishing rod in one hand and a wicker basket stocked with odds and ends in the other. Barnaby plonks himself next to Captain Percy who asks, who would ye be me lad?.
I'm known as Barnaby Bones, but you can call me Barny.
Barny is it, well Barny me lad how many fish have ye caught on this fine afternoon?.
None, Are ye a fair dinkum pirate?.
That i am, Captain Percy Pirate at ye service.
How did ye lose ye leg?.
I was standing on the bridge of me ship during a mighty storm when a monsterous wave washed me overboard and straight into the jaws of a white pointer shark who chomped me leg clean off.
Crikey!, How did ye lose ye hand?.
Many moons ago i was in a wild brawl on the deck of me ship trying to repel boarders when one of 'em sliced off me hand with a cutlass. I tried to find me hand but couldn't, so me quack had this fine looking hook made.
Silence ensued for what seemed an eternity until finally Barny asks, How did ye lose ye Eyeball?.
One morning it was my turn to stand watch in the crows nest, when i gazed up at the cloudless blue sky a pesky seagull flew over and dropped a sloppy white poo in me Eyeball.
How did that cause ye to lose ye Eyeball?.
When i went to wipe away the sloppy white poo i used my hand with the hook which i'd forgot about because i'd only gotten the hook the night before and accidently gouged out me Eyeball which sailed through the air, toward the deck below, then bounced off the deck like a rubber tennis ball and over the ships railing.
Just as me Eyeball was about to make a splash down another pesky seagull swoops out of the sky and catches me Eyeball in its beak, but just before the pesky seagull could fly away a white pointer shark leaps out of the water grabs 'em both and takes 'em down to Davey Jones locker. Stunned by what he just heard Barny gathers up his fishing gear and strides across the overgrown weed infested paddock hoping to be home in time for tea.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
I'm known as Barnaby Bones, but you can call me Barny.
Barny is it, well Barny me lad how many fish have ye caught on this fine afternoon?.
None, Are ye a fair dinkum pirate?.
That i am, Captain Percy Pirate at ye service.
How did ye lose ye leg?.
I was standing on the bridge of me ship during a mighty storm when a monsterous wave washed me overboard and straight into the jaws of a white pointer shark who chomped me leg clean off.
Crikey!, How did ye lose ye hand?.
Many moons ago i was in a wild brawl on the deck of me ship trying to repel boarders when one of 'em sliced off me hand with a cutlass. I tried to find me hand but couldn't, so me quack had this fine looking hook made.
Silence ensued for what seemed an eternity until finally Barny asks, How did ye lose ye Eyeball?.
One morning it was my turn to stand watch in the crows nest, when i gazed up at the cloudless blue sky a pesky seagull flew over and dropped a sloppy white poo in me Eyeball.
How did that cause ye to lose ye Eyeball?.
When i went to wipe away the sloppy white poo i used my hand with the hook which i'd forgot about because i'd only gotten the hook the night before and accidently gouged out me Eyeball which sailed through the air, toward the deck below, then bounced off the deck like a rubber tennis ball and over the ships railing.
Just as me Eyeball was about to make a splash down another pesky seagull swoops out of the sky and catches me Eyeball in its beak, but just before the pesky seagull could fly away a white pointer shark leaps out of the water grabs 'em both and takes 'em down to Davey Jones locker. Stunned by what he just heard Barny gathers up his fishing gear and strides across the overgrown weed infested paddock hoping to be home in time for tea.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Three True Blue Haiku.
1: Grandiose.
Love is Grandiose.
Love brings tears to your eyes.
Love causes the blues.
2: Wavecrests.
In sandy sea pools
Where Wavecrests rise and fall
and tumble ashore.
3: Lovin'
Open your cold heart
Allow the warm light back in
Start Lovin' again.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Love is Grandiose.
Love brings tears to your eyes.
Love causes the blues.
2: Wavecrests.
In sandy sea pools
Where Wavecrests rise and fall
and tumble ashore.
3: Lovin'
Open your cold heart
Allow the warm light back in
Start Lovin' again.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Lost In Translation.
All of these signs and bloopers are located in countries where English is a second language and in some instances in English speaking countries they are not much better.
Marternity ward sign reads: No children allowed in the maternity wards!.
Sign at ski resort reads: Special today..... No ice-cream!.
Tourist agency sign reads: Take one of our horse driven city tours, we guarantee no miscarriages!.
Sign on doctors doorway reads: Specialist in women and other diseases!.
Hotel flyer reads: As for the trout served you at the hotel, you will be singing its praise to your grand children as you lie on your deathbed!.
Hotel notice reads: If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence, please cry out for the chambermaid!.
Campsite sign reads: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest campsite that people of different gender, for instance, men and women live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose!.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Marternity ward sign reads: No children allowed in the maternity wards!.
Sign at ski resort reads: Special today..... No ice-cream!.
Tourist agency sign reads: Take one of our horse driven city tours, we guarantee no miscarriages!.
Sign on doctors doorway reads: Specialist in women and other diseases!.
Hotel flyer reads: As for the trout served you at the hotel, you will be singing its praise to your grand children as you lie on your deathbed!.
Hotel notice reads: If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence, please cry out for the chambermaid!.
Campsite sign reads: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest campsite that people of different gender, for instance, men and women live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose!.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Saturday, February 09, 2013
A Bonza Jest: Eyeball Pt 1.
Returning to his home port of Contention West which is on the lee-side of the horse shoe shaped Bay Of Contention is the tatty and barnacle encrusted pirate ship The Contention Turtle named after the indigenous turtle that has inhabited these turquoise waters for many centuries.
Standing on the bridge is Captain Percy Pirate who has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and a tan leather patch over one eye. With legs slightly apart, hook and other hand clasped behind his back and casting a stern eye over his scurvy bunch of cutthroat pirates as they gently dock and secure The Contention Turtle with stout ropes tied around a number of bollards that stand on top of the out of date wobbly wooden wharf. At the same time all canvas sails are brought down, folded up and with other bits and pieces are stowed below the freshly swabbed deck.
Gathered on the deck below the bridge are the scurvy bunch of cutthroat pirates waiting for Captain Percy to give his blessing for 'em to on shore leave. A few moments pass by when Captain Percy leans on the bridge railing and says, Listen up me hearties, over the few past weeks we've plundered many ships releiving 'em of their treasure chests full to the brim with gold coins and trinkets. Time has now come to celebrate the fruits of our labour with shore leave. So off ye go and enjoy ye selves in the boozers or with the scrubbers in the houses of ill repute.
To finish off his blessing he flings off an old rotting canvas sail that is covering a large treasure chest, lifts the lid and grabs handfulls of gold coins and chucks 'em over the bridge railing into the crowd of scurvy cuthroat pirates who pounce on 'em quick smart. Only when the large treasure chest is empty does everyone make their way down the wobbly gang plank and scatter in all directions.
When everyone has disappeared Captain Percy limps down the wobbly gang plank along the wobbly wharf and sets himself down on a well worn park bench in the overgrown weed infested paddock adjacent to the wobbly wharf. Fumbling in his jacket pocket he removes a small canvas bag bursting at the seams with pieces of stale bread to feed the hungry pesky seagulls. Wandering across the overgrown weed infested paddock is....... to be continued. Stay tuned for Eyeball The Conclusion coming soon.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Standing on the bridge is Captain Percy Pirate who has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and a tan leather patch over one eye. With legs slightly apart, hook and other hand clasped behind his back and casting a stern eye over his scurvy bunch of cutthroat pirates as they gently dock and secure The Contention Turtle with stout ropes tied around a number of bollards that stand on top of the out of date wobbly wooden wharf. At the same time all canvas sails are brought down, folded up and with other bits and pieces are stowed below the freshly swabbed deck.
Gathered on the deck below the bridge are the scurvy bunch of cutthroat pirates waiting for Captain Percy to give his blessing for 'em to on shore leave. A few moments pass by when Captain Percy leans on the bridge railing and says, Listen up me hearties, over the few past weeks we've plundered many ships releiving 'em of their treasure chests full to the brim with gold coins and trinkets. Time has now come to celebrate the fruits of our labour with shore leave. So off ye go and enjoy ye selves in the boozers or with the scrubbers in the houses of ill repute.
To finish off his blessing he flings off an old rotting canvas sail that is covering a large treasure chest, lifts the lid and grabs handfulls of gold coins and chucks 'em over the bridge railing into the crowd of scurvy cuthroat pirates who pounce on 'em quick smart. Only when the large treasure chest is empty does everyone make their way down the wobbly gang plank and scatter in all directions.
When everyone has disappeared Captain Percy limps down the wobbly gang plank along the wobbly wharf and sets himself down on a well worn park bench in the overgrown weed infested paddock adjacent to the wobbly wharf. Fumbling in his jacket pocket he removes a small canvas bag bursting at the seams with pieces of stale bread to feed the hungry pesky seagulls. Wandering across the overgrown weed infested paddock is....... to be continued. Stay tuned for Eyeball The Conclusion coming soon.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Friday, February 08, 2013
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Speed Limit, Windows, Gusts, A Hiccup, A Tailor and Holiday.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What is the Speed Limit of nookie?.
A: Sixty eight, because at sixty nine you have to turn around!.
Betty Blonde texts Burt Blonde on a cold winters morning which reads: windows frozen solid.
Burt texts back: splash some luke warm water over 'em.
Betty texts back: computer entirely stuffed!.
Q: How easy is it for wind Gusts to chat to each other?.
A: Its a breeze!.
Q: What colour is A Hiccup?.
A: Burple!.
Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my chicken soup, complains Dean Diner.
Force of habit i'm afraid our new chef used to be A Tailor, replies Wilbur Waiter.
Returning from a four week Holiday down by the Contention Seaside is Saffron Secretary who is recounting to anyone who will lend an ear to her about the fun time she had.
On the following Friday around knock off time Saffron waltzs into Sam Supervisors office and asks, I need another two weeks Holiday so i can tie the knot.
Ya just had four weeks Holiday, why didn't ya tie the knot then, replies Sam.
No way, that would have spoilt my Holiday.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What is the Speed Limit of nookie?.
A: Sixty eight, because at sixty nine you have to turn around!.
Betty Blonde texts Burt Blonde on a cold winters morning which reads: windows frozen solid.
Burt texts back: splash some luke warm water over 'em.
Betty texts back: computer entirely stuffed!.
Q: How easy is it for wind Gusts to chat to each other?.
A: Its a breeze!.
Q: What colour is A Hiccup?.
A: Burple!.
Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my chicken soup, complains Dean Diner.
Force of habit i'm afraid our new chef used to be A Tailor, replies Wilbur Waiter.
Returning from a four week Holiday down by the Contention Seaside is Saffron Secretary who is recounting to anyone who will lend an ear to her about the fun time she had.
On the following Friday around knock off time Saffron waltzs into Sam Supervisors office and asks, I need another two weeks Holiday so i can tie the knot.
Ya just had four weeks Holiday, why didn't ya tie the knot then, replies Sam.
No way, that would have spoilt my Holiday.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Thursday, February 07, 2013
Four True Blue Haiku.
1: Tormented.
Are you Tormented
By voices of woebegone
In your cuckoo psyche.
2: Flaxen.
In the crimson dawn
On wings of Flaxen aigrette
A phoenix ascends.
3: Pillars.
Bitter howling wind
Swivel Pillars of white fog
Throughout the dead sky.
4: Crown.
I'm a prisoner
Trapped inside my unhinged Crown
Made of skin and bone.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Are you Tormented
By voices of woebegone
In your cuckoo psyche.
2: Flaxen.
In the crimson dawn
On wings of Flaxen aigrette
A phoenix ascends.
3: Pillars.
Bitter howling wind
Swivel Pillars of white fog
Throughout the dead sky.
4: Crown.
I'm a prisoner
Trapped inside my unhinged Crown
Made of skin and bone.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Perched On The Dunny Pondering.
Every now and then in our life we've all been Perched On The Dunny Pondering. For that reason here are a handfull of odds and ends to ponder over.
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?.
What would happen if you were scared half to death twice?.
If swimming is good for the human body to lose weight, how do ya explain the size of whales?.
Have ya ever noticed that a carrot is more orange than an orange, i wonder why that is?.
If ya aren't making waves, ya not kicking hard enough!.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse always ends up with the cheese!.
Is it bad luck to be superstitious?.
Eagles may soar across the sky, but wombats don't get sucked into jet engines!.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so i made ya horn louder!.
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat then dropped 'em from a height, which way would they end up?.
When you decamp from the dunny with your replies please don't forget to flush and wash ya hands.
Until next time jolly pondering.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?.
What would happen if you were scared half to death twice?.
If swimming is good for the human body to lose weight, how do ya explain the size of whales?.
Have ya ever noticed that a carrot is more orange than an orange, i wonder why that is?.
If ya aren't making waves, ya not kicking hard enough!.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse always ends up with the cheese!.
Is it bad luck to be superstitious?.
Eagles may soar across the sky, but wombats don't get sucked into jet engines!.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so i made ya horn louder!.
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat then dropped 'em from a height, which way would they end up?.
When you decamp from the dunny with your replies please don't forget to flush and wash ya hands.
Until next time jolly pondering.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
Two Years Ago.
About Two Years Ago Darren Driver who resides in Contention East was caught speeding 20 clicks over the speed limit along the highway between Contention East and Contention West in his white V8 ute by Rodney Rozzer who also resides in Contention East. Rodney Rozzer had burst out of the dense scrub on the side of the highway in his unmarked police car with a single blue light flashing and siren wailing and draws up behind Darren, flashes his headlights for Darren to pull over onto the gravel shoulder of the highway.
When both cars have come to a stand still Rodney decamps with ticket book and radar gun in hand, strolls up to Darren and says, where's the fire mate?
There isn't one, i'm running late for a dentist appointment, replies Darren.
Did ya know you were 20 clicks over the speed limit back there, check the reading on my radar gun, shoving it in Darrens face.
Ok, i believe ya just do what ya gotta do and i'll be on my way. After Rodney issues him with his speeding ticket they both go their seperate ways, or do they?.
Fast forward to the present day and Darren Driver who now resides in Contention North is barreling along the highway between Contention North and Contention South in his brand new blue V8 ute when out of nowhere comes a police motor bike with flashing blue light and siren wailing and draws up behind Darren, flashes his headlight for Darren to pull over onto the gravel shoulder of the highway.
When both have pulled over and come to a stand still the police motor bike rider hops off, grabs his ticket book strolls over to Darren removes his helmet and places it gently on the roof of Darrens ute. Looking up Darren can't believe his eyes because standing beside him is none other than Rodney Rozzer who booked him for speeding Two Years Ago. After a quick chat it was discovered that both Darren and Rodney had moved to Contention North only two weeks ago. Eventually Rodney hands Darren his speeding ticket for once again being 20 clicks over the speed limit, he takes off down the highway muttering to himself that its a small world.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
When both cars have come to a stand still Rodney decamps with ticket book and radar gun in hand, strolls up to Darren and says, where's the fire mate?
There isn't one, i'm running late for a dentist appointment, replies Darren.
Did ya know you were 20 clicks over the speed limit back there, check the reading on my radar gun, shoving it in Darrens face.
Ok, i believe ya just do what ya gotta do and i'll be on my way. After Rodney issues him with his speeding ticket they both go their seperate ways, or do they?.
Fast forward to the present day and Darren Driver who now resides in Contention North is barreling along the highway between Contention North and Contention South in his brand new blue V8 ute when out of nowhere comes a police motor bike with flashing blue light and siren wailing and draws up behind Darren, flashes his headlight for Darren to pull over onto the gravel shoulder of the highway.
When both have pulled over and come to a stand still the police motor bike rider hops off, grabs his ticket book strolls over to Darren removes his helmet and places it gently on the roof of Darrens ute. Looking up Darren can't believe his eyes because standing beside him is none other than Rodney Rozzer who booked him for speeding Two Years Ago. After a quick chat it was discovered that both Darren and Rodney had moved to Contention North only two weeks ago. Eventually Rodney hands Darren his speeding ticket for once again being 20 clicks over the speed limit, he takes off down the highway muttering to himself that its a small world.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Orderly, A Tail, Cross Dressing, Rotting, Cats And Dogs and A Trip.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What is a Orderly system for living beyond your means?.
A: A budget!.
Q: What is a hot dog?.
A: A dog without A Tail!.
In the mens locker room of the Contention Gym after a vigourous workout are Burt Blonde and Lucas Lavender, when Lucas notices that Burt is slipping into a pair of fishnet stockings, suspenders and hot pink frilly knickers and says, Crikey!, i didn't know you were into Cross Dressing.
I'm not into Cross Dressing, replies Burt.
Fair enough, but why have you started wearing 'em all of a sudden?.
Because i got sprung by Betty when she found 'em on the back seat of my company car!.
Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup, screams Dean Diner.
I'm not surprised, its the Rotting meat that attracts 'em, replies Wilbur Waiter.
Crikey!, its raining Cats And Dogs outside, says Lucas Lavender.
Ya not wrong, replies Josh Juniper, i just stepped in a poodle.
Q: What do ya get when ya cross the birth control pill with LSD?.
A: A Trip without the ankle-biters!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What is a Orderly system for living beyond your means?.
A: A budget!.
Q: What is a hot dog?.
A: A dog without A Tail!.
In the mens locker room of the Contention Gym after a vigourous workout are Burt Blonde and Lucas Lavender, when Lucas notices that Burt is slipping into a pair of fishnet stockings, suspenders and hot pink frilly knickers and says, Crikey!, i didn't know you were into Cross Dressing.
I'm not into Cross Dressing, replies Burt.
Fair enough, but why have you started wearing 'em all of a sudden?.
Because i got sprung by Betty when she found 'em on the back seat of my company car!.
Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup, screams Dean Diner.
I'm not surprised, its the Rotting meat that attracts 'em, replies Wilbur Waiter.
Crikey!, its raining Cats And Dogs outside, says Lucas Lavender.
Ya not wrong, replies Josh Juniper, i just stepped in a poodle.
Q: What do ya get when ya cross the birth control pill with LSD?.
A: A Trip without the ankle-biters!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, February 05, 2013
Four True Blue Haiku.
1: Guiding.
Find the Guiding light
That leads to your beloved
Deep down inside you.
2: Burst.
Inky rain clouds Burst
I can feel the driving rain
Wash away my tears.
3: Dodge.
Voices in my head
Scream at me to skedaddle
To Dodge suicide.
4: Hope.
There is always Hope
In the face of a breakdown
Where there is true love.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Find the Guiding light
That leads to your beloved
Deep down inside you.
2: Burst.
Inky rain clouds Burst
I can feel the driving rain
Wash away my tears.
3: Dodge.
Voices in my head
Scream at me to skedaddle
To Dodge suicide.
4: Hope.
There is always Hope
In the face of a breakdown
Where there is true love.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Lost In Translation.
All of these signs and bloopers are located in countries where English is a second language and in some instances in English speaking countries they are not much better.
How to order room service sign reads: If you wish for breakfast, lift the telephone and ask for room service this will be enough for you to bring your food up!.
Hotel sign warns: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels. Please if you are not person to do such, please do not read this sign!.
Dress shop sign reads: Dresses for street walking!.
Hotel sign reads: In case of fire do your utmost to alarm the hall porter!.
Elevator sign reads: Please leave your values at the front desk!.
Hotel sign reads: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between 9am and 11am daily!.
Dinner menu reads: Salad a firms own make: Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger. Roast duck let loose. Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion!.
Sign on dentist doorway reads: American dentist, 2th floor, teeth extracted by latest methodists!.
Hotel sign reads: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous russian and soviet composers, artist and writers are buried daily except Thursday!.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
How to order room service sign reads: If you wish for breakfast, lift the telephone and ask for room service this will be enough for you to bring your food up!.
Hotel sign warns: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels. Please if you are not person to do such, please do not read this sign!.
Dress shop sign reads: Dresses for street walking!.
Hotel sign reads: In case of fire do your utmost to alarm the hall porter!.
Elevator sign reads: Please leave your values at the front desk!.
Hotel sign reads: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between 9am and 11am daily!.
Dinner menu reads: Salad a firms own make: Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger. Roast duck let loose. Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion!.
Sign on dentist doorway reads: American dentist, 2th floor, teeth extracted by latest methodists!.
Hotel sign reads: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous russian and soviet composers, artist and writers are buried daily except Thursday!.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Monday, February 04, 2013
Little Fur Coats.
Q: What is a Dog?.
1: Dogs lay around all day slouched on the most comfortable piece of furniture.
2: They can hear a container of food being opened half a click away, but don't hear ya when you're in the same room.
3: They can look dim-witted and loveable all at the same time without even trying.
4: When you want to frolic, they want to frolic.
5: When you want to be by yourself, they want to frolic.
6: They are world-class grovellers.
7: They do yucko things with their mouths, then try to snog ya.
Verdict: Dogs are tiny Blokes in Little Fur Coats.
Q: What is a Cat?.
1: Cats do what they want and seldom pay attention to ya.
2: They're totally uncalculable and crotchery.
3: They whinge big time when they are not on cloud nine.
4: When you want to frolic, they want to be by themselves.
5: When you want to be by yourself, they want to frolic.
6: They expect you to pander to their every whim.
7: They drive ya around the twist and cost ya an arm and an leg to keep.
Verdict: Cats are tiny Sheilas in Little Fur Coats.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
1: Dogs lay around all day slouched on the most comfortable piece of furniture.
2: They can hear a container of food being opened half a click away, but don't hear ya when you're in the same room.
3: They can look dim-witted and loveable all at the same time without even trying.
4: When you want to frolic, they want to frolic.
5: When you want to be by yourself, they want to frolic.
6: They are world-class grovellers.
7: They do yucko things with their mouths, then try to snog ya.
Verdict: Dogs are tiny Blokes in Little Fur Coats.
Q: What is a Cat?.
1: Cats do what they want and seldom pay attention to ya.
2: They're totally uncalculable and crotchery.
3: They whinge big time when they are not on cloud nine.
4: When you want to frolic, they want to be by themselves.
5: When you want to be by yourself, they want to frolic.
6: They expect you to pander to their every whim.
7: They drive ya around the twist and cost ya an arm and an leg to keep.
Verdict: Cats are tiny Sheilas in Little Fur Coats.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
A Bonza Jest: Earthling!.
Its midnight and closing time at the Contention Roadhouse where Larry Lavender works part time. Larry snaffles the petrol bowzer keys and padlocks of their hooks, walks outside, padlocks the nozzles to the petrol bowzers, wanders over to the shabby, smelly amemities block has a quick Captain Cook inside to see if anyone is hiding in there, turns off the lights, locks the door, swaggers back to the Roadhouse locks the back door, turns off the lights inside and out, locks the front door, swaggers over to his brand new white V8 ute climbs in, fires up the engine, crashes it into first gear, plants the foot and takes off like the clappers in a cloud of red dust.
In the still of the night a bright light appears in the night sky which moves toward the Roadhouse at blinding speed. In the moonlight the bright light is a sleek alien spacecraft from the matricarchal ruled planet of Zangora which is ten trillion light away. Its triangular in shape with a see through domed bridge smack bang in the middle. Three landing struts with slim round feet are lowered and with the aid of small thrusters it gently touches down in the neighbouring wheat field.
Soon after landing Captain Aurora Alien whose a typical alien from the planet Zangora with a oblong head, bald pate, dark square eyes, L shaped nose, pin sized nostrels, squiggly mouth, cauliflower ears, stogy torso, broom handle limbs, bony fingers, webbed feet and a grey wrinkly hide says to Ensign Alice Alien whose the spitting image of her, i'll lower the ramp so you can seek out an Earthling to make contact with.
Roger, replies Ensign Alice.
When Ensign Alice reaches the bottom of the ramp she gazes around, spots the Roadhouse, waddles through the wheat field, across the concrete driveway, halts in front of the nearest petrol bowzer and demands, Earthling!, we come in peace, take me to your leader.
Not a peep is heard from the petrol bowzer.
Dumbfounded she asks again, Earthling!, we come in peace, take me to you leader.
Still not a peep.
She spits the dummy, storms off back to the spacecraft where she is confronted by Captain Aurora who asks, what happened?.
I found an Earthling but couldn't get a peep out of him.
Tongue tied is he, we'll see about that, stand aside and watch how a professional does it.
Yes Captain, i'd be very careful because i have a funny feeling in my water that this Earthling is bad news.
Your concern has been noted.
Furious Captain Aurora storms down the ramp through the wheat field across the concrete driveway and halts in front of the same petrol bowzer and demands, Earthling!, this your last chance, we come in peace, take me to your leader.
Still not a peep.
Ok, you asked for it. She draws her laser pistol, aims and fires at the petrol bowzer which inturn explodes in a large fireball knocking her off her webbed feet, across the highway where she lands on her scrawny backside.
Dazed and confused she high tails it back to the spacecraft and shouts, lets make tracks outta here on the double.
Roger Captain, may i ask what happened?.
I drew my laser pistol and fired on the Earthling and was blown across the highway by a massive explosion. I reckon these Earthlings are not very friendly at all.
I was afraid something nasty was gunna happen.
How did ya workout something nasty was gunna happen?
I reckon anyone who can wrap his willy around his feet then stick it in his right ear would be one nasty mongrel to deal with.
You sized up the situation correctly, well done. Now like i ordered before lets make tracks outta here on the double and locate a planet with more friendly beings.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
In the still of the night a bright light appears in the night sky which moves toward the Roadhouse at blinding speed. In the moonlight the bright light is a sleek alien spacecraft from the matricarchal ruled planet of Zangora which is ten trillion light away. Its triangular in shape with a see through domed bridge smack bang in the middle. Three landing struts with slim round feet are lowered and with the aid of small thrusters it gently touches down in the neighbouring wheat field.
Soon after landing Captain Aurora Alien whose a typical alien from the planet Zangora with a oblong head, bald pate, dark square eyes, L shaped nose, pin sized nostrels, squiggly mouth, cauliflower ears, stogy torso, broom handle limbs, bony fingers, webbed feet and a grey wrinkly hide says to Ensign Alice Alien whose the spitting image of her, i'll lower the ramp so you can seek out an Earthling to make contact with.
Roger, replies Ensign Alice.
When Ensign Alice reaches the bottom of the ramp she gazes around, spots the Roadhouse, waddles through the wheat field, across the concrete driveway, halts in front of the nearest petrol bowzer and demands, Earthling!, we come in peace, take me to your leader.
Not a peep is heard from the petrol bowzer.
Dumbfounded she asks again, Earthling!, we come in peace, take me to you leader.
Still not a peep.
She spits the dummy, storms off back to the spacecraft where she is confronted by Captain Aurora who asks, what happened?.
I found an Earthling but couldn't get a peep out of him.
Tongue tied is he, we'll see about that, stand aside and watch how a professional does it.
Yes Captain, i'd be very careful because i have a funny feeling in my water that this Earthling is bad news.
Your concern has been noted.
Furious Captain Aurora storms down the ramp through the wheat field across the concrete driveway and halts in front of the same petrol bowzer and demands, Earthling!, this your last chance, we come in peace, take me to your leader.
Still not a peep.
Ok, you asked for it. She draws her laser pistol, aims and fires at the petrol bowzer which inturn explodes in a large fireball knocking her off her webbed feet, across the highway where she lands on her scrawny backside.
Dazed and confused she high tails it back to the spacecraft and shouts, lets make tracks outta here on the double.
Roger Captain, may i ask what happened?.
I drew my laser pistol and fired on the Earthling and was blown across the highway by a massive explosion. I reckon these Earthlings are not very friendly at all.
I was afraid something nasty was gunna happen.
How did ya workout something nasty was gunna happen?
I reckon anyone who can wrap his willy around his feet then stick it in his right ear would be one nasty mongrel to deal with.
You sized up the situation correctly, well done. Now like i ordered before lets make tracks outta here on the double and locate a planet with more friendly beings.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Sunday, February 03, 2013
Four True Blue Haiku.
1: Spine.
Bleached mountain summit
Obtrudes out of dark shadows
Spine of rocks moonlit.
2: Rocky.
Down in the valley
Morning mist entwines itself
Around Rocky peaks.
3: Carpet.
Carried by the wind
Take a magic Carpet ride
Up into the sky.
4: Nirvana.
In Nirvana where
The sun sails and the moon walks
New life generates.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Bleached mountain summit
Obtrudes out of dark shadows
Spine of rocks moonlit.
2: Rocky.
Down in the valley
Morning mist entwines itself
Around Rocky peaks.
3: Carpet.
Carried by the wind
Take a magic Carpet ride
Up into the sky.
4: Nirvana.
In Nirvana where
The sun sails and the moon walks
New life generates.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Perched On The Dunny Pondering.
Every now and then in our life we've all been Perched On The Dunny Pondering. For that reason here are a handfull of odds and ends to ponder over.
When you erase a word with a rubber, where does it end up?.
Corduroy pillows: they're making headlines!.
When i'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets quite jam-packed!.
Why doesn't the glue stick to the inside of the tube?.
When a taxi driver drives backwards, does the taxi driver owe you money?.
A planetarium always puts on an all star display!.
Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?.
Why is a tv set called a tv set, when you only end up with one?.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend once, but she left me before we met!.
When airline pilots are training in flight school, does it include crash courses?.
When you decamp from the dunny with your replies please don't forget to flush and wash ya hands.
Until next time jolly pondering.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
When you erase a word with a rubber, where does it end up?.
Corduroy pillows: they're making headlines!.
When i'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets quite jam-packed!.
Why doesn't the glue stick to the inside of the tube?.
When a taxi driver drives backwards, does the taxi driver owe you money?.
A planetarium always puts on an all star display!.
Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?.
Why is a tv set called a tv set, when you only end up with one?.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend once, but she left me before we met!.
When airline pilots are training in flight school, does it include crash courses?.
When you decamp from the dunny with your replies please don't forget to flush and wash ya hands.
Until next time jolly pondering.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Saturday, February 02, 2013
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Thunderous, Money, Peanuts, A Plum, Hotshot and Seasick.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Doctor, doctor, my snoring is Thunderous and keeps me awake at night, what can i do?, asks Peter Patient.
You could sleep in another bedroom!, replies Doctor Derek.
Q: What is a sure fire way to double your Money?.
A: Fold it in half!.
Stretched out on their banana lounges under a tall gum tree are Rusty Redhead and Lucas Lavender who asks, did ya hear what happened to the two Peanuts who were strolling through the Aussie bush?.
Crikey!, what happened?, replies Rusty Redhead.
One of 'em was a-salted!.
Q: What is a purple people eater?.
A: Its a cross between A Plum and a man eating monster!.
Q: What do ya call an aarvark whose a Hot shot with a light saber?.
A: Darthvark!.
During her once in a lifetime ocean cruise Deanna Diner is experiencing very rough weather out on the open sea, such as driving rain, choppy waves and gale force winds that are buffeting the ocean liner so violently that most of her fellow passengers are becoming Seasick spewing their smelly stomach contents all over the place.
Wobbling over to Deanna is Wilbur Waiter who looks as white as a sheet and asks, would madame be interested in a little light snack before retiring for the night?.
Not really, just chuck it overboard to save me the trouble later on!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Doctor, doctor, my snoring is Thunderous and keeps me awake at night, what can i do?, asks Peter Patient.
You could sleep in another bedroom!, replies Doctor Derek.
Q: What is a sure fire way to double your Money?.
A: Fold it in half!.
Stretched out on their banana lounges under a tall gum tree are Rusty Redhead and Lucas Lavender who asks, did ya hear what happened to the two Peanuts who were strolling through the Aussie bush?.
Crikey!, what happened?, replies Rusty Redhead.
One of 'em was a-salted!.
Q: What is a purple people eater?.
A: Its a cross between A Plum and a man eating monster!.
Q: What do ya call an aarvark whose a Hot shot with a light saber?.
A: Darthvark!.
During her once in a lifetime ocean cruise Deanna Diner is experiencing very rough weather out on the open sea, such as driving rain, choppy waves and gale force winds that are buffeting the ocean liner so violently that most of her fellow passengers are becoming Seasick spewing their smelly stomach contents all over the place.
Wobbling over to Deanna is Wilbur Waiter who looks as white as a sheet and asks, would madame be interested in a little light snack before retiring for the night?.
Not really, just chuck it overboard to save me the trouble later on!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Lost In Translation.
All of these signs and bloopers are located in countries where English is a second language and in some instances in English speaking countries they are not much better.
Tailor sign reads: Order now your summer suit, because is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Car Rental sign reads: When passenger of foot have in sight tootle the horn, trumpet him melodiously at first but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigour.
Hotel Elevator sign reads: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor, if the cabin should enter more persons each one should press a number of wishing floor, driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
Newspaper ad reads: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of art by 16,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors these were executed over the past two years.
Sign in milk bar window reads: English well talking. Here speeching American.
Wine list menu reads: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Tailor sign reads: Order now your summer suit, because is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Car Rental sign reads: When passenger of foot have in sight tootle the horn, trumpet him melodiously at first but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigour.
Hotel Elevator sign reads: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor, if the cabin should enter more persons each one should press a number of wishing floor, driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
Newspaper ad reads: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of art by 16,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors these were executed over the past two years.
Sign in milk bar window reads: English well talking. Here speeching American.
Wine list menu reads: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Friday, February 01, 2013
True Blue Haiku: Crabs.
Giant Crabs scamper
Pincers ready to defend
Along wild seabed.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Pincers ready to defend
Along wild seabed.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
A Bonza Jest: Landslide, Flood And Fire.
In the Contention Courthouse where courtroom 13 is jam packed with spectators, media and hangers on who are waiting for the jury to return and deliver its verdict in the case of Tom, Dick and Harry who committed an act of terrorism by using a rocket propelled grenade to blow up a bus full of tourists. As the jury members pile back into the courtroom and seat themselves in the jury box Judge Judith Juniper raps her gavel to bring order to proceedings. When there is total silence she asks, has the jury reached a verdict?.
Yes your honour, replies Felicity Foreperson.
How do you find the defendants guilty or not guilty?.
We the jury find the defendants guilty as charged.
After the cheering, clapping and shouts of delight have subsided Judge Judith Juniper starts to pass sentence and says, since this is the most callous and horrendous crime it demands a very unusual punishment therefore the defendants will be executed tomorrow morning in the back paddock by a four person firing squad. Each of the defendants will be executed at fifteen minute intervals starting at 8 am sharp.
During the night a thick fog has turned up on the back paddock where spectators, media and hangers on have gathered waiting for the executions to begin. The town clock strikes 8 am and first up is Tom who is dragged kicking and screaming from his gaol cell and dumped on his knees in front of the four person firing squad who then take aim with their rifles when suddenly Tom screams "Lansdslide" which sends everyone ducking for cover allowing Tom to escape through the thick fog.
After everyone has stopped running around like headless chooks and gathered together once again. Dick is next up and is being dragged by the scruff of the neck along the dry ground and forced down on his knees in front of the four person firing squad who once again take aim with their rifles when Dick yells "Flood" which sends everyone running for higher ground allowing Dick to escape through the thick fog.
Once again when everyone has gathered together. Harry swaggers out with his head held high, drops to his knees in front of the four person firing squad who once again take aim with their rifles. Remembering how Tom and Dick escaped Harry unfortunately shouts "Fire" which is exactly what the four person firing squad do.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
Yes your honour, replies Felicity Foreperson.
How do you find the defendants guilty or not guilty?.
We the jury find the defendants guilty as charged.
After the cheering, clapping and shouts of delight have subsided Judge Judith Juniper starts to pass sentence and says, since this is the most callous and horrendous crime it demands a very unusual punishment therefore the defendants will be executed tomorrow morning in the back paddock by a four person firing squad. Each of the defendants will be executed at fifteen minute intervals starting at 8 am sharp.
During the night a thick fog has turned up on the back paddock where spectators, media and hangers on have gathered waiting for the executions to begin. The town clock strikes 8 am and first up is Tom who is dragged kicking and screaming from his gaol cell and dumped on his knees in front of the four person firing squad who then take aim with their rifles when suddenly Tom screams "Lansdslide" which sends everyone ducking for cover allowing Tom to escape through the thick fog.
After everyone has stopped running around like headless chooks and gathered together once again. Dick is next up and is being dragged by the scruff of the neck along the dry ground and forced down on his knees in front of the four person firing squad who once again take aim with their rifles when Dick yells "Flood" which sends everyone running for higher ground allowing Dick to escape through the thick fog.
Once again when everyone has gathered together. Harry swaggers out with his head held high, drops to his knees in front of the four person firing squad who once again take aim with their rifles. Remembering how Tom and Dick escaped Harry unfortunately shouts "Fire" which is exactly what the four person firing squad do.
(c) 2013 Windsmoke.
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