Never To Grow Old.

Shadowy figures
rise up from the depths
one month at a time
they run riot
throughout the town.
Assail the pubs.
Guzzle the grog.
Wander the streets
like rabid dogs.

I was only a slip
of a teenage girl
when he dragged me
by the scruff
of the neck
through the scrub
onto the river bank
under the rivers bridge
where he did with me
what he pleased.

Nine months went by
i stood on the rivers edge
under the rivers bridge.
I brought forth my baby
into this wicked world.
My baby then slipped
into the rivers abysm
Never To Grow Old.

I stumble back home
mumbling to myself
along the way
what a demon i've become
i can't undo what i've done.
I return to the rivers edge
under the rivers bridge
where i stand alone
in my despair
i join my baby
in the rivers abysm
Never To Grow Old.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Fair Dinkum Haiku 0104: Brewing.

Thunderstorms Brewing.
Raven clouds on the vista.
Lightning scintillates.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Sleep, Come In and The Calendar.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: If an accountants wife can't Sleep what does she say?.
A: Please tell me about your work!.

Doctor, doctor you have to help me out, asks Peter Patient.
Ok, which way did you Come In?, replies Doctor Derek.

How do ya know when its time to marry someone?, asks Larry Lavender.
You'll wake up one morning look at The Calendar and say to yourself this is the day, replies Burt Blonde.
What do i do then?.
Burn your calender!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Very Crook.

Mandy had a little lamb.
A tiny bit of pork.
A slender slice of ham
with just a dash
of H.P. sauce.
A wee chook egg.
Rashers of bacon.
Organic grilled tomatoes.
Salad onion rings.
A pinch of pickles all
on sparse burnt toast.

And for dessert.

Mandy had wedges of apple.
Mellow banana rings.
Navel orange segments.
An ice-cream sundae
smothered in strawberry
topping and crushed nuts.
Sprinkled with sherbet fizz
you can just imagine
how very crook our
poor Mandy is.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Fair Dinkum Haiku 0103: Lava.

Volcano erupts.
Hurling molten hot Lava.
High into the sky.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: A Bridge, Loathe and Growing Old.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Doctor, doctor i think i'm A Bridge, says Paula Patient.
What's come over you?, asks Doctor Derek.
Oh!, two cars, a semi-trailer and a bus!.

I've been invited to an avoidance, says Burt Blonde.
Avoidance?, what's that. asks Rusty Redhead.
Its a dance for people who Loathe each other!.

Q: What are the signs of Growing Old?.
A: In the beginning its tri weekly.
    20 years later its try weekly.
    After 65 its try weakly!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke. 

Black.

Black as the raven
who took flight
into the Black night.
Black as the Blackest
Black hole in outer space.
Black as the rook
Black is old hitler
worlds shiftiest crook.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Fair Dinkum Haiku 0102: Bathes.

Veiled by morning mist.
Cheeping bird Bathes in tarn.
Delicate wings beat.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Baked Beans, A Gun and Extracted.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Does this tram go to Melbourne?, asks Penny Passenger.
No!, replies Chris Conductor.
But it indicates Melbourne on the front.
There is an advertisment for Baked Beans on the side, but we don't sell 'em.

Is that A Gun in your hand or are you absolutely stoked to see me?, asks Sara Scrubber.
Its A Gun, replies Colin Customer.

Ouch!, that's not the tooth i wanted extracted, says Paul Patient.
Relax cobber, i'll eventually extract the right one, replies Declan Dentist.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Old Homeless Woman: The Conclusion.

After liberating the kangaroo flagon Lucas and Josh are making their way down the main road in their 4wd ute toward the rendezvous point with Anya Angel on the old bridge spanning the Contention River when Josh whose resting the kangaroo flagon on his lap pipes up and says, this kangaroo flagon must be pretty special.
I wouldn't have a clue why, we'll just have to wait and see, replies Lucas.
Yeah i suppose so.

A few minutes later they approach the bridge, spot Anya leaning up against the bridge railing under the second dim street light halfway across. Lucas pulls up beside Anya and they both decamp, amble over to her.

Glad to see you fellas made it in one piece, says Anya.
So what's the big deal with this kangaroo flagon?, asks Josh handing it over to Anya who tucks it safely under her arm.
All will be revealed in due course.
Reaching inside her dirty white fur coat Anya removes another large brown envelope and hands it over to Josh.
As promised your final payment of $25.000 and a note which explains the big deal as you put it, but now take a couple of steps back and sheild your eyes.

Anya opens her mouth and emits a bright, blinding beam of white light that engulfs her entire body shedding her tattered clothing transforming Anya into a slender, luminous, shimmering white angel with broad wings and with a beat of those broad wings Anya streaks off into the gloomy sky toward heaven.
Stone the crows did ya see that?, says an astonished Josh.
Are we dreaming or what?, replies Lucas.
I'll open the envelope check the money then read the note. Josh opens the envelope thumbs through the money, satisfied its all accounted for, he pulls out the note, walks over to the dim street light and starts reading.
What does it say? asks Lucas.

It says: Many centuries ago a nasty 'n' mean old wizard who lived in the Mt Contention caves vanished without a trace, imprisioned the souls of a billion red kangaroos, sealing up the spout with wax preventing them from reaching heaven and casting a magical spell so no mortal being could smash it open to release the billion red kangaroo souls.
Crikey!, that's why i couldn't smash it open.
Wait there is more.

As i am an angel i couldn't liberate the kangaroo flagon myself because the wizard also conjured up evil spirits to protect the cave and they would have detected my presence, stopping me one way or another. So to avoid the evil spirits i had to employ mortal beings to liberate the kangaroo flagon, then i could deliver it to heaven which will break the magical spell.

Meanwhile Anya has reached the Pearly Gates of Heaven, zooms through, past the gatekeeper knocking him fair and square on his bottom and he bellows, you're a ratbag Anya, but one of the good ones.

Anya parks herself on the nearest cloud, gently places the kangaroo flagon on the cloud in front of her where it begins to vibrate and crumbles into tiny shards, releasing the billion of red kangaroo souls which light up the gloomy sky like bursting fireworks on Guy Fawkes night.

Lucas looks up and says well i'll be, it worked, now all the red kangaroo souls can roam free in heaven for all eternity.
Amen to that cobber, ya know we've witnessed something very special tonight that we'll never forget until our dying day, says Josh with salty tears of joy cascading down his cheeks.     The End.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.       

Fair Dinkum Haiku 0101: Alone.

Out my drab window.
I spied you wandering Alone.
Coming down the track.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: Squirrels, Bloomers and Escape.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: How do ya stop Squirrels from playing soccer in the backyard?.
A: Hide the ball it'll drive 'em nuts!.

Q: What is an outdoor girl?.
A: One with the bloom of youth in her cheeks and the cheek of youth in her Bloomers!.

On Burt Blondes wedding day there were doubts about the wedding going ahead. In the church George Green the father of the bride asks Percy Priest.

Why have all the aisles been roped off?.
So the groom can't escape!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.  

Old Homeless Woman Pt 2.

Its close to the witching hour two days later and Lucas followed by Josh are treking through the Contention National Park Forest on their way to Mt Contention to liberate the kangaroo flagon concealed in a hidden cave.
Both are wearing miners helmets with in-built torches, carrying club hammers and a large machete to hack their way through the dense forest. Reaching the cave entrance which is a small hole in the ground only big enough for one person to squeeze through at a time. Its actually a small tunnel leading to the huge cave system.

I'll go first, you pass me the club hammers, says Lucas.
Okay, don't get stuck will ya, replies Josh with a big smile on his dial.
I'll try not to smarty pants.

Lucas crawls feet first through the entrance until his head and arms poke out and says, pass me the club hammers.
I don't think we'll need the machete anymore so i'll prop it up against this rock.

Lucas nods and starts inching his way through the dark dusty tunnel until he reaches a ledge, drops a short distance to the huge cavern floor. A few seconds later Josh drops head first off the ledge kissing the huge cavern floor with his face knocking off his miners helmet.

Josh picks himself up, dusts himself off grabs his miners helmet and parks it back on his head. Gazing around they spot the third tunnel, swagger over, scramble up onto another ledge, stroll to where the wall is blocking the hidden cave.
What time is it?, asks Josh.
One minute before the witching hour and counting, replies Lucas.
With club hammers at the ready Lucas starts the count down 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, now. Both of 'em viciously swing their club hammers striking the wall which crumbles into grains of sand engulfing them up to their knees.

When the dust finally settles they enter the cave brushing aside spider webs sending hairy legged spiders scurrying for cover. Spotting the wall niche at the other end of the cave Lucas wanders over and starts seeking out the kangaroo flagon which sits in between two other flagons.
Here it is, says Lucas grasping the flagon by its handle removing it from the wall niche.
Taking a gander, Josh says we still don't know what it contains, how about we smash it open and take a peek, we can always say we dropped it accidently and it broke.
Ok, give it a whirl, placing the kangaroo flagon on the floor where Josh kneels down, raises his club hammer above his head then brings it down in a long arc striking the kangaroo flagon, which repels the blow flinging the club hammer out of Joshs hand and sailing across the cave.
Crikey!, this flagon must be cursed.
Ok, lets scarper out of here and not a word to Anya Angel alright.
You don't have to convince me picking up his club hammer from the other side of the cave.

A few minutes later Lucas and Josh emerge from the small hole in the ground into moon light where Josh snaffles up the machete then they proceed through the dense forest to where their 4wd ute is parked between the edge of the dense forest and the fast flowing Contention River, jump in, take off down the road toward the rendezvous point with Anya Angel. To be continued...............

Join me next Saturday Afternoon for the conclusion of Old Homeless Woman, until then keep smiling.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke. 

Fair Dinkum Haiku 0100: Crucifixion.

On skeletal cross.
Akin to Crucifixion.
Ugly scarecrows twitch.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.