In a panic, Paula Patient jumps into her car, barrels down the highway to the Contention Clinic in the hope of consulting Doctor Derek without an appointment. Paula parks her car, storms through the front sliding doors, up to the reception desk where Nurse Nadia is perched on her chair sorting through a stack of paper work and asks, how can i help you?.
I would like to speak with Doctor Derek right away, replies Paula.
Nurse Nadia decamps from her chair, ambles down a short hallway, lightly taps on the consulting room door which is flung open by Doctor Derek who asks, what seems to be the problem nurse?.
Paula Patient has just turned up in a panic wishing to speak with you right away, you have no other patients for at least another hour or so.
If that is the case show her in.
Nurse Nadia ambles back to the reception desk and escorts Paula to the consulting room where she plonks herself on a cold hard plastic chair in front of Doctor Derek who asks, what are you panicking about?.
My husband Peter Patient sleeps with his Mouth Wide Open and he swallowed a tiny white mouse, what can i do?.
That's easy, do you fish?.
Yes, but what has fishing got to do with it?.
All ya gotta do is tie a tiny piece of tasty cheese to a length of fishing line, lower it into Peter Patients mouth, as soon as the tiny white mouse chomps down on it reel the fella out.
I'll do that after i've bought a can of sardines from the Contention Supermarket.
What on earth do you want a can of sardines for?.
Didn't i tell ya, i've gotta get fluffy the cat out first!.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Perched On The Dunny Pondering.
Every now and then in our life we've all been Perched On The Dunny Pondering. For that reason here are a handfull of odds and ends to ponder over.
Can a dumb person be a smarty pants?.
Are you going the wrong way, if everything is coming your way?.
How can ya draw a blank?.
If i have an open mind, will my brain tumble out?.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?.
When you decamp from the dunny with your replies please don't forget to flush and was ya hands :-).
Until next time jolly pondering.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Can a dumb person be a smarty pants?.
Are you going the wrong way, if everything is coming your way?.
How can ya draw a blank?.
If i have an open mind, will my brain tumble out?.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?.
When you decamp from the dunny with your replies please don't forget to flush and was ya hands :-).
Until next time jolly pondering.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Birth Control, Stealing and a Burial Plot.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What do solicitors use for Birth Control?.
A: Their obnoxious personalities!.
Q: Why does the government jail people for Stealing?.
A: To eliminate the competition!.
For a number of years George and Grace Greens marriage has been on the rocks, when George realises its Graces birthday tomorrow so he wanders down to the Contention Cemetary to buy her a Burial Plot.
Next day George hands Grace all the paperwork for the Burial Plot and wishes her a happy birthday. After reading the paperwork through, Grace throws it back in Georges face and storms off in a huff.
Twelve months down the track Graces birthday rolls around again with no present in sight from George.
How come ya didn't buy me a birthday present this year?, asks Grace.
Because you didn't use last years present i got ya!, replies George.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What do solicitors use for Birth Control?.
A: Their obnoxious personalities!.
Q: Why does the government jail people for Stealing?.
A: To eliminate the competition!.
For a number of years George and Grace Greens marriage has been on the rocks, when George realises its Graces birthday tomorrow so he wanders down to the Contention Cemetary to buy her a Burial Plot.
Next day George hands Grace all the paperwork for the Burial Plot and wishes her a happy birthday. After reading the paperwork through, Grace throws it back in Georges face and storms off in a huff.
Twelve months down the track Graces birthday rolls around again with no present in sight from George.
How come ya didn't buy me a birthday present this year?, asks Grace.
Because you didn't use last years present i got ya!, replies George.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Fun Ditties.
Mary had a little lamb.
It ran into a pylon
10,000 volts
shot up its back
turning its wool
to nylon!.
Spring has sprung
the grass has rizz
i wonder where
all the peoples is!.
Mary had a little lamb.
Her brother killed it dead.
Now that lamb goes
to school with Mary
between two bits of bread!.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
It ran into a pylon
10,000 volts
shot up its back
turning its wool
to nylon!.
Spring has sprung
the grass has rizz
i wonder where
all the peoples is!.
Mary had a little lamb.
Her brother killed it dead.
Now that lamb goes
to school with Mary
between two bits of bread!.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Perched On The Dunny Pondering.
Every now and then in our life we've all been Perched On The Dunny Pondering. For that reason here are a handfull of odds and ends to ponder over.
If Aussies chuck rice at weddings, do Asians chuck meat pies?.
Why is it when a door is open, its ajar, but when a jar is open its not a door?.
Why do men drink till she's cute, but stop before the wedding?.
When you strangle a Smurf, what colour does it turn?.
Do umpires really care which team wins the game?.
When you decamp from the dunny with your replies please don't forget to flush and wash ya hands :-).
Until next time jolly pondering.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
If Aussies chuck rice at weddings, do Asians chuck meat pies?.
Why is it when a door is open, its ajar, but when a jar is open its not a door?.
Why do men drink till she's cute, but stop before the wedding?.
When you strangle a Smurf, what colour does it turn?.
Do umpires really care which team wins the game?.
When you decamp from the dunny with your replies please don't forget to flush and wash ya hands :-).
Until next time jolly pondering.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Last Year, Sunburnt and First Car.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why did the auditor cross the road at the same place?.
A: Because he did it Last Year!.
Q: What is black, white and red all over?.
A: Sunburnt nuns!.
Wandering around the Contention City Caryard which sells both new and used cars is Ruby Redhead whose buying her very First Car and really doesn't have a clue what type of car she wants.
Do you want a four or six cylinder car?, asks Stewart Salesman.
Actually i'm not rolling in cash at the moment so i'll take four now and come back later for the other two!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why did the auditor cross the road at the same place?.
A: Because he did it Last Year!.
Q: What is black, white and red all over?.
A: Sunburnt nuns!.
Wandering around the Contention City Caryard which sells both new and used cars is Ruby Redhead whose buying her very First Car and really doesn't have a clue what type of car she wants.
Do you want a four or six cylinder car?, asks Stewart Salesman.
Actually i'm not rolling in cash at the moment so i'll take four now and come back later for the other two!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Witty Answering Machine Messages.
Twinkle, twinkle little star.
Betcha can't guess where we are?.
G' Day! Ruby's toaster speaking, her brand spanking new answering machine has cracked a wobbly and is in the repair shop. Please leave a message when the toast is done!.
No!, no!, not that, anything but that
not the beep, no!, please i beg you
not the beep, anything but the beep
AAA, IIII, EEEEEEEEEEEE!.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Betcha can't guess where we are?.
G' Day! Ruby's toaster speaking, her brand spanking new answering machine has cracked a wobbly and is in the repair shop. Please leave a message when the toast is done!.
No!, no!, not that, anything but that
not the beep, no!, please i beg you
not the beep, anything but the beep
AAA, IIII, EEEEEEEEEEEE!.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Perched On The Dunny Pondering.
Every now and then in our life we've all been Perched On The Dunnny Pondering. For that reason here are a handfull of odds and ends to ponder over.
When dog food is new and improved, who does the taste test?.
If excuses are like bottoms and everyones got 'em, do they all pong?.
Why do banks call it instant credit, when it really means instant debit?.
I poured spot remover on my dog Spot, now he's disappeared!.
Why are fast reflexes a substitute for good manners?.
When you decamp from the dunny with your replies please don't forget to flush and wash your hands :-).
Until next time jolly pondering.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
When dog food is new and improved, who does the taste test?.
If excuses are like bottoms and everyones got 'em, do they all pong?.
Why do banks call it instant credit, when it really means instant debit?.
I poured spot remover on my dog Spot, now he's disappeared!.
Why are fast reflexes a substitute for good manners?.
When you decamp from the dunny with your replies please don't forget to flush and wash your hands :-).
Until next time jolly pondering.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: The Deck, Directions and Riddle Me This.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why couldn't Ruby Redhead play cards on her world ocean cruise?.
A: Because the captain stood on The Deck!.
Q: If Burt Blonde and Rusty Redhead happen to fall off a tall building at the same time, who would slam into the footpath first?.
A: Burt Blonde, because Rusty Redhead would stop and ask for Directions!.
Riddle Me This.
For some i go to fast, for others i'm slow.
To most people i'm an obsession.
Relying on me is a well practiced lesson.
What am i?.
Scroll down for a clue.
Nearly there.
There's not enough of me in the day sometimes.
Leave your answer in comments.
I'll post the answer in comments Thursday Morning.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: Why couldn't Ruby Redhead play cards on her world ocean cruise?.
A: Because the captain stood on The Deck!.
Q: If Burt Blonde and Rusty Redhead happen to fall off a tall building at the same time, who would slam into the footpath first?.
A: Burt Blonde, because Rusty Redhead would stop and ask for Directions!.
Riddle Me This.
For some i go to fast, for others i'm slow.
To most people i'm an obsession.
Relying on me is a well practiced lesson.
What am i?.
Scroll down for a clue.
Nearly there.
There's not enough of me in the day sometimes.
Leave your answer in comments.
I'll post the answer in comments Thursday Morning.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, June 09, 2012
Fun Ditties.
The boy stood on
the burning deck
playing a game
of cricket.
The ball flew down
his trouser leg and
hit his middle wicket!.
Mary had a little lamb
its fleece was
black as soot.
And into Mary's
bread and jam
he put his
sooty foot!.
You are only
as old as
you feel.
Think old and
you'll die young.
Think young and
you'll live longer!.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
the burning deck
playing a game
of cricket.
The ball flew down
his trouser leg and
hit his middle wicket!.
Mary had a little lamb
its fleece was
black as soot.
And into Mary's
bread and jam
he put his
sooty foot!.
You are only
as old as
you feel.
Think old and
you'll die young.
Think young and
you'll live longer!.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Thursday, June 07, 2012
Perched On The Dunny Pondering.
Every now and then in our life we've all been Perched On The Dunny Pondering. For that reason here are a handfull of odds and ends to ponder over.
The Energizer Bunny was arrested last night and charged with battery!.
Is Santa Claus always a jolly old fella because he knows where all the naughty girls live!.
Black holes are where God divided by zero!.
Its a know fact that some people have a photographic memory so where do they insert the film?.
If all is not lost, where did it go?.
When you decamp from the dunny with your replies please don't forget to flush and wash your hands :-).
Until next time jolly pondering.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
The Energizer Bunny was arrested last night and charged with battery!.
Is Santa Claus always a jolly old fella because he knows where all the naughty girls live!.
Black holes are where God divided by zero!.
Its a know fact that some people have a photographic memory so where do they insert the film?.
If all is not lost, where did it go?.
When you decamp from the dunny with your replies please don't forget to flush and wash your hands :-).
Until next time jolly pondering.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Tuesday, June 05, 2012
Random Humour For Grown Ups.
Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: A Swarm, A Nun and Religious.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What is the most terrifying thing A Swarm of accountants can do?.
A: Gang audit someone!.
Q: What is black and white, black and white, black and white?.
A: A Nun rolling down a hill!.
Q: How do ya get a Religious movement?.
A: By drinking holy water and castor oil!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.
Q: What is the most terrifying thing A Swarm of accountants can do?.
A: Gang audit someone!.
Q: What is black and white, black and white, black and white?.
A: A Nun rolling down a hill!.
Q: How do ya get a Religious movement?.
A: By drinking holy water and castor oil!.
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Saturday, June 02, 2012
A Bonza Jest: White Piece Of Cord.
Its tea time at the Contention Italian Restaurant which is packed to the rafters with diners that are piling in by the truck loads. Perched on a chair with his bowl of minestrone soup in front of him is Dean Diner whose about to take a slurp of soup from his soup spoon when a drunken diner, stumbles knocking the soup spoon from his hand and sending it soaring across the table and onto the dirty floor.
Hovering close by is Wilbur Waiter who notices the kerfuffle, he ambles over and produces a clean soup spoon from his trouser pocket and places it on the table beside the bowl minestrone soup.
Dean thanks Wilbur for his prompt service then asks, tell me why do you waiters carry soup spoons in your trouser pockets?.
Its a well known fact that one in four diners drop their soup spoons on the dirty floor just like you. We carry them in our trouser pockets so we don't waste time running back and forth to the kitchen to collect a clean soup spoon everytime, will that be all sir?.
Actually no, i've noticed that you and all the other waiters have a White Piece Of Cord dangling from your trouser flies, what's the idea behind that?.
A survey recently conducted in our restaurant revealed that waiters can save more time and serve more diners if we don't wash our hands after going to the dunny, instead we all decided to tie a White Piece Of Cord to our willies and pull it out of our trousers so we don't contaminate our hands.
During this time Deans slurps another spoonful of minestrone soup and says, i see your point, what baffles me is how do you place your willy back in your trousers?.
I can't speak for the other waiters, i just use a soup spoon to scoop my willy back inside my trousers.
Stunned Dean drops his soup spoon on the dirty floor and says, that's scandalous, you can now get me another clean soup spoon directly from the kitchen this time thank you.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
Hovering close by is Wilbur Waiter who notices the kerfuffle, he ambles over and produces a clean soup spoon from his trouser pocket and places it on the table beside the bowl minestrone soup.
Dean thanks Wilbur for his prompt service then asks, tell me why do you waiters carry soup spoons in your trouser pockets?.
Its a well known fact that one in four diners drop their soup spoons on the dirty floor just like you. We carry them in our trouser pockets so we don't waste time running back and forth to the kitchen to collect a clean soup spoon everytime, will that be all sir?.
Actually no, i've noticed that you and all the other waiters have a White Piece Of Cord dangling from your trouser flies, what's the idea behind that?.
A survey recently conducted in our restaurant revealed that waiters can save more time and serve more diners if we don't wash our hands after going to the dunny, instead we all decided to tie a White Piece Of Cord to our willies and pull it out of our trousers so we don't contaminate our hands.
During this time Deans slurps another spoonful of minestrone soup and says, i see your point, what baffles me is how do you place your willy back in your trousers?.
I can't speak for the other waiters, i just use a soup spoon to scoop my willy back inside my trousers.
Stunned Dean drops his soup spoon on the dirty floor and says, that's scandalous, you can now get me another clean soup spoon directly from the kitchen this time thank you.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.
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