Saturday, November 10, 2012

A Bonza Jest: Heaven Is Close To Full Today.

Standing in line at the pearly gates of heaven waiting to enter are Tom, Dick and Harry when word filters down the line that its been a hectic day and Heaven Is Close To Full Today. After St Peter had a yarn with St Christopher about this problem it was decided that people who snuffed it horribly would enter first.

St Peter ambles through the pearly gates, coming to a halt in front of Tom and says, because Heaven Is Close To Full Today we are only accepting people who have snuffed it horribly to enter first so please tell me your story.

For sometime i've suspected that my wife has been unfaithfull so today i snuck home early to try and catch her in the act. After entering our 20th floor apartment i had a strange feeling something was not right. I started searching our apartment from floor to ceiling but i couldn't find where this bloke was hiding. The only place i hadn't searched was the balcony, sure enough, there was this bloke hanging off the balcony railing 20 floors above ground level.

I cracked a wobbly and started laying into this bloke but he wouldn't let go, then i thought of the large wooden fork hanging on the kitchen wall, i grabbed it, raced back out onto the balcony and started stabbing his fingers with it, which did the trick, he let go and plummeted 20 floors, landing on a garden bed chock-a-block with dense native bushes and survived.

Seeing that he survived i cracked an even bigger wobbly. I ran back into the kitchen grabbed the fridge, chucked it over the balcony railing cleaning him up big time and he snuffed it on the spot. Sadly for me the high amount of stress, anger and anguish got the better of me and i snuffed it on the balcony from a heart attack.
Crikey!, that is horrible, you may enter heaven, says St Peter.

After a short break St Peter signals the next in line to step forward. Dick ambles forward and halts in front of St Peter who repeats what he said to Tom and asks Dick to tell him his story.

I live on the 21st floor of my apartment block and every morning i excerise out on the balcony. All of a sudden i find myself hanging off the 20th floor balcony railing how i ended up there is a mystery to me. Anyway i was struggling to hang on when this bloke burst onto the balcony, straight away i thought i was saved, no such luck, because this bloke starts laying into me, until he ran back inside and returned with a large wooden fork and starts stabbing my fingers with it. Naturally i couldn't hold on any longer and let go ending up in a garden bed chock-a-block with dense, sturdy native bushes and survived although a bit wobbly. Suddenly out of the blue comes this fridge cleaning me up big time so i snuffed it on the spot.
Stone the crows!, that is horrible and it does sound familiar, all the same you may enter heaven, says St Peter.

After another short break St Peter signals the next in line to step forward. Harry ambles forward and halts in front of St Peter who repeats what he said to Tom and Dick and then asks Harry to tell him his story.

Just visualize i'm hiding in a fridge............
Shaking his head and raising his hand to stop Harry from proceeding any further St Peter says, Hang on i know what ya gunna say. You were hiding in a fridge when you were chucked off a balcony 20 floors up, am i correct?.
You're spot on , how did ya know?, asks Harry.
Lets just say i have the nose that knows, you may enter heaven, replies St Peter.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.


River said...

I foresee much brawling on whichever cloud Tom, Dick and Harry were sent to.

Annmarie Pipa said...

guess one really never knows.
happy weekend.

The Elephant's Child said...

None of them were good deaths. Nice one Windsmoke.

Friko said...

But what about the wife? How’s she gonna cope with both her blokes gone?

Elliot MacLeod-Michael said...

Sure is easy to get into heaven these days...

Beach Bum said...


Good stuff!
I don't envy Saint Peter trying to figure all this stuff out.

Windsmoke. said...

G' Day RIVER: There's certainly bad blood between 'em.

G' Day ANNMARIE: Yep, ya never know when your time is up.


G' Day FRIKO: Sadly she's the innocent victim.

G' Day ELLIOT: Fair enough.

G' Day BEACH BUM: Yep, it would be a real nightmare that's for sure.

Ygraine said...

Poor St Peter!
Must have a major headache by now.
Trying to weave all those loose ends into a tidy whole was no mean feat!
I so feel for the poor wife :(

PerthDailyPhoto said...

St. Peter could write a best seller, he hears some corners haha!!

Windsmoke. said...

G' Day YGRAINE: St Peter would probably have a thumping migraine and be pulling out what's left of his hair.

G' Day GRACE: And the title would be Bizarre tales from heaven believe 'em or not.

Red Nomad OZ said...

Hahaha! Heaven is going to be more interesting than I thought ...

Windsmoke. said...

G' Day RED: And bursting at the seams.