Friday, December 31, 2010

Random Hurmour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring, Dinner, A Knock, Knock And Scuba Divers.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Baby Monster asks, Mum, mum what's for dinner?.
Mum Monster replies, Be quiet and get back in the oven!.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?.
Abyssinia who?.
Abyssinia when i return!.

Burt Blonde and his best mate Rusty Redhead are sitting on a timber deck outside the local cafe that overlooks the sea dotted with small fishing boats enjoying a latte.
Burt Blonde asks, Why do Scuba Divers topple backwards off their boat?.
Rusty Redhead replies, If they toppled forward they'd still be in their boat!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
Happy New Year To All.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Fair Dinkum Haiku 08: Treasure.

In large wooden chest.
Buried below stout palm trees.
Treasure in soft sand.

(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, December 27, 2010

A Bonza Jest: Odd Strange Man.

The front door bell chimes and Mrs. White gets up from the kitchen table, wanders down the hallway, answers it only to be confronted by a Odd Strange Man she's never seen before in her life who asks, are your private parts below your belly button in working order?. Red faced and furious Mrs. White slams the front door in his face.

The Odd Strange Man repeats the same question five days in a row, fed up with the harassment Mrs. White decides to speak to her husband about the Odd Strange Man Mr. White says, i'll chuck a sickie tomorrow so when the Odd Strange Man asks you the same question say yes then we'll see what reaction you get.

As predicted the Odd Strange Man turns up the next day, Mrs. White opens the front door and he asks, are you private parts below your belly button in working order?, Mrs. White says, yes.

Awesome he says, then asks, could you tell your husband to cease using my wife's private parts below her belly button for his private pleasure. Gently Mrs. White closes the front door, charges down the hallway into the kitchen where Mr. White is sitting at the table and says, how dare you, then slaps him across the face so viciously that it sends him flying off the chair onto the tiled floor feeling a bit dazed and confused.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring, Knackers, A Turkey And A Light Globe.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: Why do dogs like to lick their Knackers?.
A: Because they can!.

Q: Why dosen't a Turkey go hungry at Christmas Time?.
A: Because he's always stuffed!.

Q: How many mystery writers would it take to screw in a new light globe?.
A: Two, One to screw it part of the way, the second writer to give it a surprise twist at the end!.

"Merry Christmas to all."
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Fair Dinkum Haiku 07: Grass.

Through blustering winds.
Long green Grass whirl bend and twist.
Autumn leaves speak loud.

(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, December 20, 2010

R.S.P.C.A.'S Favourite Bizarre Calls For 2010.

The following is a bizarre list of calls made to the R.S.P.C.A.'S 24 hr advice and cruelty reporting line in 2010.

A caller reported a cat stuck on a roof, it actually turned out to be a satellite dish.

A woman caller who asked R.S.P.C.A. staff to speak with her husband who refused to get out of bed to walk the dog!!.

A unhappy woman called to report that a cat had been abandoned in her garden, she rang back later as it turned out to be a present from her husband!!.

A displeased shopper who wanted to find out how she could make sure she bought milk only from happy cows!!. Mooooo!!.

A woman called to report a creature in her bathroom but didn't know whether it was a spider or a hamster???. Just imagine a hamster with eight hairy long legs crawling around in your bathroom, very bizarre and scary. This one wins.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Friday, December 17, 2010

A Bonza Jest: Elegant Swan Dive.

During the afternoon Betty Blonde decided to have a few glasses of white wine and a meal at the local chinese restaurant after work where she'd meet up with Ruby Redhead whom she called on her mobile phone. Ruby Redhead arrived just as the 7 o' clock news on abc 1 was starting on the portable t.v. sitting on a card table tucked away in one corner of the restaurant. Betty Blonde had booked a table for two, so they both settled down to watch the live breaking news story as it happened each holding a glass of white wine.

First news story is about a bloke threatening to commit suicide by leaping of the notoroious west gate bridge spanning the cold murky waters of the yarra river in the Melbourne suburb of Spotswood. He'd managed to climb onto the steel safety rail and discovered it very difficult to keep his balance because of the strong winds.

Betty Blonde says, i'll bet you $100.00 he doesn't leap off.
Ruby Redhead replies, you're on and they sealed the bet with a firm handshake.
A few minutes later the bloke leaps off the bridge executing an Elegant Swan Dive into the cold murky waters of the yarra river.

Dumbfounded Betty Blonde hands a $100.00 to Ruby Redhead, she refuses to accept the payment and says, i saw the same news story on the 5 o' clock news on channel 10 and knew how it was going to pan out.
Betty Blonde replies, i did to, but i didn't think in my wildest dream he'd dive off the bridge again!.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Fair Dinkum Haiku 06: Hurricane.

Rolling waves crashing.
Ferocious Hurricane blows.
Silence gripped by eye.

(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring, Feet, Public Transport, A Ocean Cruise.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: Who was England's first chiropodist?.
A: William the Corncurer!.

Q: What type of Public Transport runs twice as fast when you're after it, than when you're in it?.
A: A Bus!.

Peter Patient is about to undertake an Ocean Cruise around the world and is very concerned he'll become severely seasick and won't have a ball during the cruise, so he consults with Doctor Derek.

Doctor Derek says, Consume 1 kilo of braised tomatoes prior to departure.
Peter Patient replies, Since when does consuming 1 kilo of braised tomatoes prevent severe seasickness?.
Doctor Derek replies, They won't, but they'll look really attractive floating in the water!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Fair Dinkum Haiku 05: Snow.

Gliding from the sky.
Skiing down the mountainside.
In tandem with cold soft snow.

(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Undead Creature.

Driving home just before sunset along a poorly lit dirt road after a busy day at the office Rusty Redhead was startled when he saw what looked like a Undead Creature standing in the middle of the road. Face of a vampire bat, large fangs, purple glaring eyes, body covered head to toe with thick wirey grey hair. Rusty Redhead stomped on the brakes sliding to a halt about half a metre from the Undead Creature, chucked his car into reverse, popped the clutch with wheels spinning and kicking up clouds of dust, he lost control in a panic and slid sideways into a boggy ditch, sinking to the axles.

After a moment or two Rusty Redhead grabbed his mobile phone, called for a tow truck to winch his car out of the boggy ditch, then police so he could make a statement of the incident with the Undead Creature. While making out the statement his car was winched out of the boggy ditch when the Policeman says, I really don't believe you seen a Undead Creature, you aren't drunk or stoned by the looks of you, all you need is a good night sleep and the hallucinations will stop the Tow Truck driver glanced at the Policeman and nodded in agreement. Seeing this as good advice Rusty Redhead jumped in his car took off in a cloud of dust, arriving home he fell straight into bed and slept like a baby until the following morning.

Drop by for a Visit on Friday for more Bizarre Scribble.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, December 06, 2010

A Bonza Jest: Designated Decoy.

At closing time Ron Rozzer is staking out the small towns only pub waiting to catch drunk drivers. Don Driver rolls out of the pub wobbles and stumbles along the footpath trips over the raised concrete garden bed edge in the pub carpark, fumbles around for his car keys for 10 minutes, finally he fires up the engine roars off out of the pub carpark down the road, where Ron Rozzer with blue lights flashing and sirens wailing on his unmarked police car pulls him over.

Coming to a stop on the side of the road Ron Rozzer gets out of his unmarked police car strides over to Don Driver and asks him to take a breathalyzer test, after a few seconds the test result shows a blood alcohol reading of 0.0.

Gobsmacked Ron Rozzer asks, How can this be?, I saw you wobble and stumble along the footpath and into the pub carpark.
Don Driver replies, That's easy to answer because tonight i'm the Designated Decoy so everyone else can drive home drunk!.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Friday, December 03, 2010

Fair Dinkum Haiku 04: Skies.

In light opaque Skies.
High above a shapely cresent moon.
Bright yellow sun shines.

(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring, Lots Of Funiture, A Painful Knock, Knock And A Crowded Bus.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: Why did the parents of a blind boy rearrange the Furniture?.
A: To punish him for being naughty!.

Knock, Knock?.
Who's there?.
Abbey who?.
Abbey stung me on my bare bottom!.

Paul Passenger is sitting in an over crowded bus when Petra Passenger who's extremely obese and sitting across from him says, If you were a gentleman young man you'd stand up and let an older person sit down.

Paul Passenger replies, If you were a lady and not extremely obese you'd stand and let six older people sit down!!!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Dead Possum Tossing Contest.

On New Zealand's North Island school teachers are encouraging primary school children to enter a dead possum tossing contest. The contest is staged in the grounds of Colyton school where students toss, swing or hurl dead possums around the school grounds. I fail to see the educational value in this contest and it is nothing more than cruelty to animals.

This contest is sending the message that's ok to abuse animals whether dead or alive and teachers involved should have disciplinary action taken against them or be terminated on the spot, it's a disgrace.

Not only is this contest morally wrong and archiac but which animal will be next to suffer the same fate, cats, dogs, birds, or any other animal close by at the time. The mind boggles as to why the teachers allowed this contest to go ahead in the first place as they themselves are role models for primary school students and should be condemed and forced to stand in the naughty corner and have a really good think about their appalling behaviour.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Fair Dinkum Haiku 03: Scarecrow.

Clothes stuffed with old straw.
Scarecrow hangs on wooden cross.
Hungry crows afraid.

(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring, A Singing Syndrome, Heaps Of Rubble, and Delicious Fruit.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Peter Patient says, Doctor, doctor i can't stop humming the green green grass of home.
Doctor Derek replies, Sounds like you've got Tom Jones syndrome.
Peter Patient asks, Is it a common syndrome?.
Doctor Derek replies, It's not unusual!.

Q: What do Fred Flintstone and Saddam Hussein have in common?.
A: When they both look out their windows the see Rubble!.

Tim Teacher asks, If i had five pears and subtracted three, How many would i have left?.
Prunella Pupil replies, I don't know.
Tim Teacher asks, Why not?.
Prunella Pupil replies, Because we do our math only with apples and oranges!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Tiny Tale: Lorry.

After loading pallets stacked with boxes of fresh fruit and vegetables onto to his second hand poorly maintained 6 tonne white Lorry, Liam tied down the pallets to the flat tray bed with woven nylon rope, when all was secure he jumped into the drivers seat, fired up the turbo charged diesel engine, rammed the gearbox into first gear, popped the clutch, drove slowly through the busy fruit and vegetable market shed out the wide doors and main gates, turned left onto the wet and slippery, fog bound highway heading north west of Melbourne to the family owned and run green grocery shop.

Parking the 6 tonne white Lorry outside the family owned and run green grocery shop on a crest of a steep hill , Liam cut the diesel engine, placed the gearbox in neutral, engaged the the cable handbrake which is rusted part the way through and dangling by one rusty thread of wire, removed the ignition key, locked the steering wheel so the front wheels are pointing straight ahead down the steep hill, jumped out and started undoing the woven nylon rope securing the pallets in readiness to unload them by forklift.

Grabbing the forklift key off a hook, he trundled out of the shop with the forklift and started unloading the pallets one by one. When it came down to the final pallet, Liam misjudged the distance between the forklift and Lorry slamming into it's side causing it to rock violently from side to side, vibrating the rusty handbrake cable causing the dangling single thread of wire to snap.

When Liam reversed away from the Lorry, it took off down the steep hill, out of control, gaining speed along the way, racing towards a wooden bridge spanning a canal, it mounted the bridge crashed through the rotten timber railing, flipped upside down landing on the front of a wooden scow just as it emerged from under the wooden bridge sending both straight to the muddy bottom of the canal's cold murky waters. Liam turned up out of breath a few seconds later, but all he could do was stand on the canal bank scratching his head wondering what to do next.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Fair Dinkum Haiku 02: Flame.

Vibrant candle Flame.
Scatters darken shadows on the walls.
Melting wax coursing.

(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

A Bonza Jest: Angels Flying Around The Room.

Betty, Beatrice and Bertha Blonde are attempting to change a blown light globe in the large lounge room, when Beatrice Blonde decides to ring the emergency services for help.
Beatrice Blonde says, we are three blondes attempting to change a blown light globe.
I see replies the Consultant, you've screwed the new light globe into the socket?.
Yes replies, Beatrice Blonde.
The electricity is switched on?, asks the Consultant.
Of course yes, Beatrice Blonde replies.
The light switch is turned on?, the Consultant asks.
Yeah, yeah, Beatrice Blonde replies.
The Consultant says, and the light globe dosen't light up?.
No, it's working really well, replies Beatrice Blonde.
Frustrated the Consultant asks, so how can i help you?.

The three of us got dizzy spinning around on the ladder screwing in the light globe, we fell off and banged our heads on the floor and now we're seeing angels flying around the room!.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, November 08, 2010

Left With A Complete Stranger.

A mother left her six year old son with a complete stranger on board a bus which was stopped by police so they could arrest her for shoplifting items from the local pharmacy. The mother was seen boarding the bus with two children but only had one child with her when she was arrested.

The police and the mother both failed in their duty to protect both children by allowing her six year son to be handed over to a complete stranger on board the bus therefore endangering the child's safety and welfare, who knows what the complete stranger would have done with him. Both mother and the police should be condemned for their actions or lack of them.

It was a happy ending though because the mother gave the complete stranger her son's mates address and asked that he be dropped off there. He was dropped off at his mates place to relief of his mother and police when they went to pick him up, he was unharmed, very lucky indeed.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

A Bonza Jest: Outback Pub.

Jim Jackaroo and Eddie Emu walk into a Outback Pub and they both sit down at the crowded bar and proceed to get plastered. After numerous pots of beer Eddie Emu passes out on the sticky wooden floor. Stunned Jim Jackaroo leaps up off his bar stool and heads straight for the door.

This action prompts the obese blonde barmaid to scream, Hey! cobber you can't leave that lyin' there.
Jim Jackaroo replies, that's not a lion, it's a Emu! then disappears through the squeaky front door, mounts his horse and rides off into the distance in a cloud of red dust.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, November 01, 2010

Fair Dinkum Haiku 01: Bass.

Night was filled with sound.
Like a mighty thumping Bass.
That climbs and tumbles.

(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring, Raisin Bread, Lipstick, And A Outside Dunny (Toilet).

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Dean Diner says, Waiter, Waiter there's a fly in my vegetable soup.
Wilbur Waiter replies, I find that hard to believe sir, because they were all used in the Raisin Bread this morning!.

Q: Why doesn't Betty Blonde wear red Lipstick?.
A: Because red means stop!.

On a dark and stormy night.
The outside Dunny light was dim.
I heard a loud crash.
I heard a big splash.
My God, Grandma's fallen in!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Gambling Play Area For Kids.

Approval has been given by gambling regulators for parents, grandparents to bring their children, grandchildren to a pokies venue in the Melbourne suburb of Beaconsfield and dump them in a fully enclosed play area with soundproof glass with a direct view into the gaming area. Using this play area is nothing more than a cheap babysitter and encourages chronic gambling.

Problem gambling is bad enough, it ruins lives, causes family breakdowns, by allowing this to go ahead it sends a message that it's ok to gamble and basically normalises chronic gambling. Parents, grandparents should be at home looking after their childrens basic needs and not feeding money into the one arm bandits, then whinge because they have no money left and expect everyone else to pick up the tab for their chronic addiction it's a disgrace.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

A Bonza Jest: Natural Buoyancy.

There's this bar on top of a tall skyscraper on the outskirts of Melbourne where this Bloke is drinking heavily and asks, the skinny blonde barmaid for another shot of Bundy Rum, he skulls it, walks slowly towards the balcony and leaps off. Returning a few minutes later in the lift, he repeats the same act a few more times.

Being slightly tipsy Rusty Redhead walks up to the Bloke and says, how can you leap off the balcony then return without a scratch or mark on you?. The Bloke says, it's like this, the shot of Bundy Rum provides a Natural Buoyancy so when i'm falling and just as i'm about to strike the ground i land gently, you should give a go.

Rusty Redhead thinks about it for a minute or two, decides to give it a go. He walks up to the bar and asks the skinny blonde barmaid for a shot of Bundy Rum, he skulls it, runs full pelt for the balcony and leaps off, crashes head long into the ground splattering himself all over the landscape. Skinny blonde barmaid says to the Bloke, You're a real mongrel when you're drunk Superman!.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: A Yummy Sandwich, A Fridge And An Old Wooden Canoe.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What does a Mouse Sandwich look like?.
A: White on the outside, grey and furry on the inside!.

Q: What's the difference between a single man arriving home and a married man arriving home?.
A: When the single man arrives home he looks in the fridge finds nothing, then goes to bed!.
When the married man arrives home he looks at what's lying in the bed, goes to the fridge and grabs a six pack of beer!.

Two Indigenous people are sitting in a old wooden canoe in the middle of a lake fishing, when suddenly the wind picks up and they start to feel a bit chilly.
So they decide to light a fire in the old wooden canoe, not surprisingly it sinks straight to the bottom of the lake, proving once again, you can't have your old wooden canoe and "heat it to!".

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Road Closure Signs.

Driving across the Aussie Outback can be dangerous at anytime it's even worse when you come across a clown in his Toorak Taxi using an untrustworthy G.P.S. unit to guide the way and at the same time ignoring road closure signs warning you that the road is closed because of heavy rainfall. This clown kept on going in the direction the G.P.S. unit directed him to go and because of the wet and slippery conditions he drove his Toorak Taxi off the road and became bogged up to it's axles. It was 4 days before rescue could arrive.

Your not driving in the suburbs anymore and you can't call roadside assist to come to your rescue straight away and winch your Toorak Taxi out of the bog because you chose to ignore the road closure signs, you clown.

G.P.S. units can't be trusted in situations like this when traveling somewhere you haven't been to before on unfamiliar roads or no roads at all just like in the Aussie Outback. You can be easily led astray with a disasterous outcome, as what happened in this case.

Before you set off it's a good idea to carry a decent road map and learn how to read it. Check out the local weather and road conditions by asking people with local knowledge of the area is even better than a G.P.S unit. Take note of road closure signs as they are there for your benefit they are telling you of a hazard up ahead so you don't get into trouble like this clown did. G.P.S. units can't be trusted all of the time.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, October 11, 2010

A Bonza Jest: Dinner Dance.

A well off middle class couple are preparing to attend a Dinner Dance so they give their Butler Hugh the evening off because they won't be home until early next morning and hope Hugh will enjoy his evening off.

After downing an enormous amount of alcohol and suddenly not feeling to crash hot the Wife decides to wander off home early leaving her Husband behind to party on with his friends. As she stumbles into the house she sees Hugh the Butler sitting on the couch in the lounge room watching t.v. and asks him to come into the master bedroom.

When Hugh the Butler enters the master bedroom the Wife says, i want you to take off my dress, high heels, stockings, garter belt, bra and panties and lay them neatly folded on the bed. With both of them breathing heavily and the sexual tension rising the Wife says, "Next time i catch you wearing my clothes you're fired!."
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Randon Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: A Supermarket, Whiskey And The Pearly Gates Of Heaven.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Betty Blonde walks into a supermarket and buys 1 kg of washing powder, packet of 6 bath soaps, 8 pack of yoghurt and 2 kgs of oranges.
She then rolls up to the express lane register.

Colin the Checkout Bloke says, Your single aren't you?.
Betty Blonde Replies, Is it that obvious by what i've bought?.
Colin the Checkout Bloke replies, No, it's because you're so damned ugly!.

On a dark and stormy night.
The rain fell in my whiskey glass.
It really dampened my spirits.

Billy Bloke dies and straight away heads for the Pearly Gates of Heaven where St Peter says, I've been checking my records and i can't find a single good deed that you've done for you to enter Heaven.
What do you mean? asks Billy Bloke, What about the time i saved the little old lady from being bashed by a group of drunken louts then told 'em to pick on somebody their own size and they did.

St Peter asks, When did this happen?.
Billy Bloke Replies, Oh, about ten minutes ago!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, October 04, 2010

Medieval Punishment.

John and Jane Doe were caught on camera hugging and kissing in a public mall and were arrested and charged by the religious police with immoral movements and mingling with unrelated persons in a public place and thrown into prison.

I reckon this law was made up by somebody or a mob of people so bitter, twisted, jealous and frustrated that they are not capable of showing affection of any kind towards other people. Really they have spoiled it for everyone else no matter what the result and need to grow up and get a life.

John Doe was convicted and sentenced to 6 months in prison, banned from visiting public malls for 2 years and "90" yes "90" lashes, dished out in a bunch of 30 lashes each time for taking part in this outdated and trivial crime.

Jane Doe will be tried in a another court i suspect she'll be convicted and punished and not be heard from again or be let off scott free with only a slap on the wrists for taking part in this outdated and trivial crime. A seperate court for woman no equality here.

The person or mob responsible should be widely condemed for allowing this medieval, barbaric and brutal punishment to continue for such an outdated and trivial crime. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

A Bonza Jest: The Speed Of Light.

Trevor takes his blind date Joanna to the circus on a balmy saturday night and asks her, what would you like to do first?.

I want to get weighed she replies smiling.

They wander over to a large set of scales outside the clowns tent and she hops on and it reads 53 kgs. Next stop a ride on the ferris wheel, when the ride finishes, Trevor asks Joanna again what would you like to do now?.

I want to get weighed she replies smiling again.

Insead they wander around the circus grounds buy 2 buckets of chips, fairy floss on a stick, an ice cream cone stroll past the animal enclosures, down side show alley, where once again Trevor asks Joanna what would she like to next?.

Joanna says, firmly and with fire in her eyes i want to get weighed!.

Thinking Joanna is totally off her rocker Trevor drives her home, dumps her at the front of her house and takes off at the speed of light never to be seen again to the disappointment of Joanna.

Laura Joanna's housemate asks, how did your blind date go?.
Joanna replies, Oh, Waura it was Wousy!.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke Inc.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Lawnmower Man.

During a bucks night in the Melbourne suburb of Mornington the groom was dared by his drunken guests to strip stark naked, run around the backyard in circles, through the garage down the driveway and back. After thinking about it for a minute or two the groom decided to do it but instead of running back through the garage into the backyard he'd jump on the ride on lawnmower in the garage and go for a ride.

After running around like a maniac the groom jumped on the ride on lawnmower in the garage took off down the driveway onto the Moorooduc Highway with throttle fully open down the wrong side of the highway stark naked. A few kilometres down the highway the groom was pulled over by police and recorded a blood alcohol reading of 0.167, three times over the legal limit. I'd hate to be in his shoes when the bride finds out, sparks will fly i'd say.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring, A Stick, A Calculator and a collection of Goldfish.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What do you call a Boomerang that won't come back?.
A: A Stick!.

Q: What do Calculators and Rabbits have in common?.
A: They both multiply really well!.

Bob says, I won 20 Goldfish in the pub raffle last night.
Bruce asks, Where will you store them?.
Bob replies, In the bath tub.
Bruce asks, When you take a bath what will you do with them?.
Bob replies, Blindfold 'em!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, September 20, 2010

A Bonza Jest: Chucking A Tantrum.

Luke's father asks him, whether or not he knows about the birds and the bees?.
I don't want to know, i'm only 10 years old Luke says, chucking a tantrum.
Gobsmacked his father asks, Why?.

It's because when i was seven you told me there's no Santa Claus, then at eight you told me there's no Easter Bunny, then at nine you told me there's no Tooth Fairy.

I suppose now you're going to tell me that grown ups don't really have nookie, so i've got nothing else left to live for!. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Tiny Tale: Scow.

Newly married aussie backpacking couple on their honeymoon, hitched a ride to the next small town on an old wooden dilapidated scow that had seen better days. Loaded with domestic garbage in large black plastic bags stacked 10 high they stank to high heaven because their rotting contents were slowly being baked by the red hot sun. They were prepared to put up with this foul smell so they could sail down the canal on this bright sunny, cloudless day. Along the way dodging an assortment of leisure craft sailing down the canal, some at break neck speed causing mayhem.

Stretched out on the deck the couple observed eveyday life going on and around them along the grassy, tree lined banks of the canal as they sailed by. People were going about their business without a care in the world, some fishing off the banks, young kids running around like maniacs, riding push bikes full pelt along the footpaths dodging people jogging, strolling along happily pushing prams with their families, some sitting on colourful blankets spread out on the ground enjoying a picnic while the day lasted.

On the horizon dark storm clouds were gathering threatening to rain so most people packed up and headed off home for the night. Further down the canal a weather beaten rickety old wooden bridge spanning the canal which had seen better days to is about to get a big fright, because hurtling down the steep hill is an out of control white 6 tonne lorry used for delivering fruit and vegetables.

Reaching the old rickety wooden bridge the lorry crashed through the wooden railing splintering it to pieces and flipping upside down landing on the front of the scow just as it emerged from underneath the bridge sinking both to the bottom of the canals dark murky waters. Everbody on board the scow survived with only a dunking in the cold waters of the canal and scrambled up it's banks to safety. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Psychotic Little Voices.

I've been hearing and reading people quoting "I'm a People Person", "She's a People Person", "He's a People Person" give me a break. What a load of bollocks, these people should stop listening to those psychotic little voices in their heads because it doesn't fool me one bit.

This politically correct title of "A People Person" is dreamt up by people with psychotic little voices in their heads to justify a person who thinks he or she knows all the answers about life but in reality knows nothing about nothing.

It also sounds like "A People Person" is just somebody who sticks his or her big nose in where it's not wanted, same can be said about a busy body who thinks he or she can help other people to solve their everyday problems and really don't have a clue about life in general themselves.

"A People Person" is a complete urban myth no matter what those psychotic little voices in your head tell you, so get over yourselves you don't exist. Don't ya just get sick and tired of people like that and just wish they'd just go away ha, ha, ha. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Very First Day At School.

How bizzare is the German Communist Party giving Primary School Children in Essen, Germany on their very first day at school a cone filled with "Pornographic Pens" which project erotic images instead of the usual cone filled with lollies. Truly a bizarre introduction to your school life.

It gets even worse because apprantly all you have to do is press the button on the end of the pen and a "Naked Woman" starts an "Erotic Dance". I'd say there would a lot of lot of "Red Faced" (Pun Intended) officials in the German Communist Party in deep doo, doo for this boo, boo. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, September 06, 2010

A Bonza Jest: Boarding School.

At morning assembly the strict Headmaster of the boarding school gave a speech to all the new students on their first day on some of the school rules.

One of those rules are says the strict Headmaster is that the female dormitory will be off limits to all males students and the male dormitory will be off limits to all female students. Any student caught breaching this rule will be fined $50.00 for the first offence, $100.00 for the second offence and $150.00 for the third offence.

On finishing his speech the strict Headmaster asks, Are there any questions?.
A student at the rear of the assembly asks, How much for a Season Pass!.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Ramdom Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring: Farmer John, A Cute Orangutan, Some DNA And A Well Known Design.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: Why did Farmer John buy 2 hectares of land at the South Pole?.
A: Because he though it would be a perfect place to grow frozen vegetables!.

: Chris Customer walks into a dingy bar and orders a pot of beer, takes one swig and sets it down on the bar suddenly from out of nowhere a Cute Orangutan turns up and steals his pot of beer.
He turns to Bart the Barman and asks, Who owns the Cute Orangutan?, Bart the Barman replies, Peter the Piano Player in the corner.
Chris Customer strolls over to Peter the Piano player and asks, do you know " your Cute Orangutan stole my pot of beer"?.
Peter the Piano replies, No, but if you hum a few bars i'll play it for you!.

Q: How does the male morning after pill work?.
A: It changes their DNA!.

Q: What did the Ark-Itect design?.
A: Noah's Ark!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Alive And Well.

On the lonely dirt back road in the middle of the night a car lost control slamming head on into a stout gum tree bursting into flames lighting up the country skyline. The driver was identified as Adam the deceased driver and owner of the burnt out car because his wallet was thrown clear on impact.
Hooning around in the middle of the night drunk as a skunk doesn't help either you wombat.

At his funeral family and friends were stunned when Adam turned up alive and well at his own funeral. As it turns out Adam went on a drinking binge and ended up in hospital after being knocked out cold in a drunken brawl in the pub car park.

Adam suffered slight memory loss because he couldn't remember who he was because his wallet and car key's were stolen during the drunken brawl. He's just another violent drunken lout that can't handle the grog like so many young dropkicks that think they are bullet proof. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring: Rejection, Silly Neighbours, A Bat and a Number of Trunks.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?.
A: When your hand falls asleep during a wank!.

: Living in semi-rural bushland we recently had our new neighbours call the local shire council requesting that they relocate the Kangaroo crossing sign near our place.
: Reason for the request was that to many Kangaroos were being cleaned up by cars and the new neighbours didn't want them crossing there anymore!.????.

Q: Why does the Vampire have a bat flap?.
A: So he can enter his house!.

Q: Why were the Elephants last to leave Noahs Ark?.
A: Because they had to pack their Trunks!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Natural Justice For His Victims.

On a quiet Sunday Night 23 years ago in Hoddle St, Melbourne, Australia Julian Knight went on a murder spree killing 7 innocent people and injuring 19 others as they went about their private business. So much time has past now that time itself cannot heal the pain and suffering that was caused to the families and friends of the victims.

Given 7 life sentences with a minmum of 27 years because he showed no remorse what so ever for his dreadful crimes he must remain behind bars for the term of his natural life to contemplate his dreadful crimes without any chance of parole to rejoin Australian society ever again as a free man.

He must be locked away behind bars and the key to his cell door thrown away and be totally ignored as this is the only natural justice left for his victims, families and friends even though he can apply for parole in 4 years time. That's why he's going to court to obtain court papers to try and find a loophole that would set him free on parole in 4 years time. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring: A Undertaker, A Blonde, A Footballer and every little girls favourite doll Barbie.

So wrap your laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: Did you hear about the Undertaker who buried a body in the wrong grave?.
A: He was terminated for his grave mistake!.

Q: What was Betty Blonde doing up the tree?.
A: She was raking up the leaves!.

Q: Why was the Footballer nicknamed the judge?.
A: Because he spends most of the game on the bench!.

: There's a new Barbie doll on the market she's called "Rasta Barbie" she comes with a tie-dyed t-shirt, dreadlocks, a CD of reggae music, a bag of green stuff.
Roll your own papers sold seperately!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Tiny Tale: Eliminator.

Scaling the tall bluestone fence that surrounds the Drug Lords mansion Cliff landed feet first on the long wet grass, glanced around to check that the coast was clear, dashed across the front yard towards the mansion undercover of darkness with only the moonlight to guide his way. Mounting the timber veranda he made a bee line for the nearest open window, slipped through the gap landing silently on the thick carpeted floor of what seemed to be the lounge room, crept towards the doorway that led into the hallway at the same time withdrawing his silenced pistol from the waist band of his faded blue jeans.

Standing in the doorway Cliff peered down the hallway and spotted a thin ray of light coming from a crack in the open bedroom door of the Drug Lords bedroom. Creeping down the hallway back to the wall dodging the expensive paintings hanging on the wall and using the thin ray of light as a guide he stopped beside the bedroom door with silenced pistol pointing at the thickly carpeted floor.

Slowly pushing open the bedroom door with his gloved fingertips wide enough to make out a body resting in bed covered by a doona and sheets Cliff entered and rapidly fired off six shots impacting the body in the upper region. Moving forward Cliff seized the doona and sheets tossing them aside to reveal no body only rolled up towels, sheets made up to resemble the shape of a body when Cliff saw them the penny dropped that he'd been set up big time.

Suddenly the lourve doors of the built in wardrobe burst open smashing up against the walls out jumped Bill and Ben the Drug Lords bodyguards brandishing sawn off shot guns. Focusing them on Cliff they opened fire thumping Cliff in the chest and stomach at the same time lifting him off the floor he then landed on his back like a sack of spuds covered in blood. After the gunsmoke had cleared Bill and Ben rolled Cliff up into a large floor rug then dumped him in the hallway ready to dispose of after they'd cleaned up the bloody mess. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring: A Teacher, A Knock, Knock, A Cough, and everybodies favourite a Jolly Snowman.

Sso wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Tim Teacher asks: My desk has 5 flies on it and i squashed one how many would i have left on my desk?.
Prunella Pupil replies: You'd have one left the squashed one!.

Q: What happens in a medicine laboratory when business is slow?.
A: You can hear a cough drop!.

> Knock, knock.
> Who's there?.
> Adair!.
> Adair who?.
> Ad-air once now i'm bald as a babies bottom!.

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?.
A: Nasty frostbite!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Nose That Doesn't Know.

It's testing time once again for the Airport Sniffer Dogs to see whether they are still up to the task at hand. Just before starting his shift the Airport Customs Officer was handed a small plastic bag of cannabis by the tester and told to plant the bag in a unsuspecting passengers piece luggage straight away so the test could begin.

Bad luck for the unsuspecting passenger if he or she got caught before the test began, they'd hang him or her out to dry don't you think as it's doubtful anybody would claim the plastic bag of cannabis as there's.

The first Sniffer Dog off the rank had a good sniff around some pieces of luggage but sadly failed to seek out the plastic bag of cannabis and to top it all off the Customs Officer forgot which piece of luggage the bag was planted in.

The upside to this is the unsuspecting passenger got a free plastic bag of cannabis to enjoy, that's if it was really planted in the first place and not tea leafed by someone else. The downside is the Sniffer Dog was retired and the Customs Officer no longer had a job which i'm not surprised about but you have to ask yourself what really happened to the plastic bag of cannabis?. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring: Two Kookaburras, A Sax Player, A Monster and Lastly a Turtle.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Karl Kookaburra perched in a gum tree asks: What kind of math do owls like?.
Karen Kookaburra perched in a gum tree replies: Owlgebra!.

Q: Who would you trust to take directions from if you were lost in the Aussie bush?.
>An out of tune soprano sax player.
>An in tune soprano sax player.
>Santa Claus.
A: An out of tune soprano sax player because you dreamt up the other two!.

Q: When a monster loses his head who does he call?.
A: A head hunter!.

Cate Customer says to Wilbur Waiter: I found a hair in my turtle soup?.
Wilbur Waiter replies: Well the turtle finally caught up with the hare!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, July 01, 2010

Only Worth Two Beers.

Woman drove her petrol guzzling 4 wd into the local petrol station, parked next to one of the bowsers got out with her three month old baby daughter and offered to sell her to the male customer filling up his tank for the cost of two beers.
This woman must be a kangaroo short in the top paddock or have an addiction to the grog and should be condemed for wanting to sell her three month old baby daughter to complete stranger for the lowly sum of two beers, she's not fit to be a mother, what a disgrace.

In response the male customer rang the police on his mobile phone and gave them her registration number, make and model of her petrol guzzling 4 wd. When the police did turn up she had fled. Armed with her address the police and welfare officials turned up at her place, arrested this errant woman and took her three month old baby daughter away.
How selfish this woman is considering couples around the world who are unable conceive because of infertility or other medical conditions. Would adoption be a better alternative in this case as a last resort?. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Tiny Tale: Strangers.

Riding down the main st of the almost deserted town in the middle of god knows where, two strangers Gavin and Colin pulled up out front of the Barbers shop, dismounted and tied there thirsty and tired horses to the hitching rail at the same time taking a gander up and down the dusty main st to get an idea of the quickest escape route out of town. Gavin entered the Barbers shop but when he pushed open the front door it set off a bell fixed alongside that alerts the Barber a customer has arrived. With Colin bringing up the rear Gavin drew his revolver and jammed it into the obese belly of the Barber while Colin tied his hands behind his back and covered his mouth with a dirty old piece of rag then dumped him out the back in a locked store room.

While locking him up the door bell chimed alerting Gavin and Colin that a customer had turned up for a dad and dave. Sprinting to the front of the shop Gavin grabbed the cut throat razor out of it's glass container and pressed it against the customers throat demanding cash and valuables but he refused so Gavin slid the cut throat razor across the frightened customers throat from ear to ear. Falling to the floor blood oozing from the fatal wound Gavin and Colin searched through his pockets only finding a small amount of change then dumped him out the back with the Barber.

As before the door bell chimed again so Gavin and Colin ran back to the front of the shop and were surpried to see a customer already sitting in the chair ready for a dad and dave. Colin went outside and sat down on the wooden seat with his back to the large dust covered window.

Unbeknown to Gavin and Colin the customer sitting in the chair is the towns Sheriff with his revolver drawn underneath the protective sheet covering him. Gavin again grabbed the cut throat razor and pressed against the Sheriffs throat demanding he hand over cash and valuables but instead was plugged in the shoulder then the Sheriff swivelled around in the chair and plugged Colin in the shoulder through the dust covered window.

After the gunsmoke had cleared and being built like a brick outhouse the Sheriff easliy lifted Gavin and Colin onto his shoulders, strolled across to the jailhouse and locked 'em behind bars ending there reign of terror once and for all. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Dope Attack.

A drug dealer answered a knock at the front door of his unit and was attacked by two masked men. After a few minutes he recovered and rang the police to report a violent home invasion. When police arrived to investigate they found $10,000 worth of illegal drugs stashed in the unit. You'd have to be sampling your own product to do something so stupid to ring the police and not get rid of the evidence.

Making matters worse the police found $9,000 in cash, 10 kgs of cannabis, 100 esctasy tablets and a money counting machine. This violent home invasion was set up by someone who's been ripped off like a customer or supplier. He should have though it through before calling the police. It's his own stupid fault he got caught and ended up in jail, what a dopey scumbag. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Tiny Tale: Rubies.

Sitting on the park bench across the road from the jewellerys shop that Miles was staking out on this cloudless bright sunny day. With a pair of binoculars raised to his eyes spying directly through the display window which didn't have security glass or any other security devices, only plain ordinary glass. Behind the glass are five blood red rubies, four the size of small marbles and the largest one the size of a chickens egg collectively they'd be worth $100.000 give or take a few hundred dollars.

Shoppers were few and far between on the ground today, so Miles placed the pair of binoculars in his backpack, took out a club hammer strolled across the road dodging traffic, mounted the footpath stopped in front of the window, smashed it to pieces, scooped up the five blood red rubies dropped them into a small side pocket of his backpack. At break neck speed Miles took off down the footpath heading for his apartment.

Finding his front door keys Miles opened the door then headed straight for the kitchen where on top of the bench lay a large bag containing tennis rackets sitting by it's lonesome was a fake tennis racket made of plastic much bigger than the other ones because the fake tennis racket has a hollow handle so the five blood red rubies would fit snuggly inside. Stuffing the five blood red rubies inside the handle sealing up the opening with a bung then threw it inside the bag mixing it up with the other tennis rackets, zipped it up then stashed the bag inside the main bedrooms built-in-wardrobe throwing other bags on top until a suitable buyer could be found. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

To Shave Or Not To Shave That Is The Question?.

Dozens of clean shaven men in their twenties mostly students were arrested and jailed for shaving off their beards in violation of a decree made by the local terrorist group leader ordering and demanding all men grow beards.
Sounds to me the decree was drawn up by a group immature school yard bully boys who made it up on the run to suit their hidden agenda at the expense of other people regardless of whether they like it or not or have any adverse medical reaction.

As punishment for shaving off their beards the students were jailed for three days for violating this unfair and stupid decree made by the local terrorist group leader, who's also pledged allegiance to the world's most wanted and well known terrorist leader by imposing this strict unfair and stupid decree.
Pledging allegiance to the world's most wanted and well known terrorist leader is crazy. For hundreds of years the beard whether real or fake has been used as a disguise by unstable people wanting to carry out not so nice activities around the world, it's not only untidy if not looked after, but one thing it's good for is straining soup. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Tiny Tale: Hall.

Standing all by it's lonesome looking weather beaten, sad and lonely at the bottom of a steep hill, parallel to the hairpin bend in the road that continued on towards a small village. In it's heyday the hall was a hive of activity serving as a scout and community hall sadly over the years it was left to rot. All utilities were disconnected, the corrigated iron roof, guttering and downpipes were rusting away badly leaking and blocked by leaves and small branches. The weatherboards were twisted, split, warped and rotten some falling to the ground. The paintwork is blistered, peeling and fading so badly that you couldn't see what colour the paint was. Every door was damaged and every window was smashed and glass scattered all around crunching under foot. The interior looked like a bomb had been set off because every single fixture, furnishing and floor covering in the kitchen, dining room, canteen, bathroom and toilet were vandalized or stolen and obscence graffiti covered every surface. It's a real mess.

Two young people from the small village came jogging up the road, stopped outside the hall, walked down the narrow uneven path to the front door had a captain cook inside the said to each other, "what a mess and both vowed on the spot to renovate the hall to it's original glory and be used again as a community centre".

Twelve months later after a lot of hard work replacing the rusted corrigated iron roof, guttering, downpipes, rotten weatherboards, smashed windows, damaged doors and given a fresh coat of paint on the outside it looked brand new again. Shiny new fixtures, furnishings and floor coverings were installed in the kitchen, toilet, bathroom, dinning room, canteen and given a fresh coat of paint to cover the obscence graffiti the inside looked brand new to. All was now ready for the grand opening in a few days time.

The night before the grand opening a fully loaded fuel tanker lost control on this windy rainy night on the way down the slippery steep hill, jackknifed slid along on it's side through the hairpin bend showering sparks and debris in every direction. With a groan the prime mover broke free from the fully loaded fuel tanker that was spraying fuel like a fountain on the road and surrounding paddocks from a hole punctered in it by a large tree branch. Ignited by the sparks the fuel tanker caught fire and exploded in a ball of flame and thick smoke just before smashing headlong into the newly renovated hall burning it to the ground. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Under The Weather.

This woman got so drunk she slipped on the wet tiled floor while trying to exit the toilet cubicle and got her leg and shoe with a 6 inch stiletto heel stuck in the floor level toilet's small opening right up to the knee, even twisting and turning her body didn't help she was stuck fast.

With one leg stuck up to the knee and the other leg stretched out in front of her, what makes matters worst is she was only wearing a white mirco mini skirt that rose above the hips and didn't cover her modesty completely if at all but exposed more than she would have liked.

When the emergency services arrived they gave her a blanket to help cover her modesty for as long as it takes to release her leg by dismantling the plumbing underneath the toilet cubicle, taking off her shoe with the 6 inch stiletto heel then pushing her leg through the opening. With her head held high she exited the toilet cubicle with her modesty still partly intact vowing never again to go on a drinking binge. I hope she's really learnt her lesson. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

You Can Conquer Being Overweight Or Obese.

Are you one of those people who are overweight or obese?. You probably suffer from high blood pressure, cholestrol and diabetes if so shame on you are you that lazy you can't excerise. Guess what try turning off your computer, dvd player, tv, video game console. Now that you've done that get your big fat lard bum and wobbly jelly belly off the couch you potato head and go outside for a walk for 30 minutes a day around your local neighbourhood for 5 days a week, yes that's all it takes. So now you ask what time of the day should i go for a walk and which days, are you that lazy or brain dead to work it out for yourself it's not rocket science you know, so off you go now the sooner the better and remember no pain no gain.

So you've started walking your big fat lard bum and wobbly jelly belly around your local neighbourhood but haven't succeded in losing any weight, it dosen't surprise me at all. Do you know why?. I'll tell you why. It's because you are still eating junk, take away or processed foods high in saturated fat salt and sugar you won't lose any weight eating that rubbish. So what are you going to do about it?. You don't know take a wild guess or are you still that lazy or brain dead to work it out for yourself it's not rocket science you know potato head. I guess i'll have to tell you. It's time to change your diet by refusing to eat anymore food like junk, takeaway and processed foods and combined with walking you should reduce your big fat lard bum and wobbly jelly belly in no time. Don't forget no pain no gain is the name of the game.

So what are going to eat now you ask?. Still haven't got a clue have you potato head. I guess i'll have to tell you. Health professionals recommend you stick to a diet low in saturated fats, salt and sugar. Eat more fish, fresh fruit, vegetables, drink water, use skim milk in tea or coffee. If you are still not sure see your doctor maybe he or she will be able drum it into your thick potato head. How do i know about this it's because i've been there and done the hard yards and went thru the pain so if i can do it what's stopping you potato head. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Tiny Tale: Pawnbroker.

Pushing open the front door of the pawnbrokers shop with steel security grille screwed to it to prevent the window from being broken and stock stolen. Eva entered and was assualted by a musty, dank odour. Peering around the shop with shelves stacked to overflowing with nic nac's, books, plates, cups and other assorted stock which was not to her taste. The reason for the visit was to pawn off a ring she found on one of the window sills of the pub she cleaned.

Heading for the counter with iron security bars fixed from floor to ceiling and a slot cut out at counter top height so stock could be passed through to the pawnbroker. Fumbling in her bulging purse for the ring finding it she passed it through the slot to the pawnbroker who was short and stocky nearly bald and could have done with a shower and shave the smell was overpowering. With eye piece in place ready to examine the ring but he wasn't impressed with what he saw only offering $20.00, passed it back and being such a small amount Eva said she would have to think on it.

A week later Eva decided to accept the small amount offered by the pawnbroker and headed off down the street towards the pawnbrokers shop. When she arrived to her horror the shop had been guttered by fire, not much was left standing only blackened brick walls, some burnt timber frames, bricks, roof tiles and stock scattered around in all directions. Disappointed she strolled back home placed the ring in a small wooden jewellery box which sat on her dressing table in the bedroom. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Another Small Step Towards Creating An Australian Republic.

On new year's day 2010 the Queen's name will be removed from the Australian state of Victoria's legal system for criminal court cases. It's been said the change is only symbolic i doubt this very much. Instead of the Queen's name being used in criminal court cases all criminal court cases will be in the name of the Director of Public Proscutions. Will this minor change lead to bigger changes down the track?. I think so.

In 2000 other changes were brought in. The term Queen's counsel was abolished and replaced with the term senior counsel along with the requirement for new lawyers to swear allegiance to the Queen. So who do they swear their allegiance to now?. Slowly but surely the Australian people are losing contact with there beloved Monarchy without even having a say in it.

Australian's were asked about 10 year's ago to vote whether they wanted to become a republic and cut off all ties with the Monarchy the majority voted "NO". By doing away with the Queen's name little by little it will make it a lot smoother ride towards creating an Australian Republic when the time comes without a lot of Australian people being told. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Road Tax Increase On The Horizon.

A Review of Australia's taxation system was handed to the Australian Federal Government recently but won't be released until Sunday 2nd of May just before the may budget. It's understood the review contains a new tax that being a user pays road charge to cover the high cost of maintaining our roads not to mention trying to fix the pollution problems and traffic jams. This is nothing more than a tax on a tax as drivers are considered an easy cash cow and have been for a long time.

It's been suggested that the fuel excise tax be raised by 10 cents a litre from 38.1 cents a litre to 48.1 cents a litre. Now add that to luxury car tax, stamp duty, car, truck and motor bike registration, compulsory third party insurance, gst, toll road fees. Sounds to me like drivers will be ripped off once again. More public transport is needed not more taxes.
Raising the fuel excise tax will increase transport costs, have a negative social impact on low income families and pensioners that rely on their cars to get around because of poor public transport in there area. Penalize country folk because they have to travel long distances to gain access to public facilities. Has any consideration been given to these people who will have to pay the extra tax maybe for nothing.

To make it fair across the board get rid of the fuel excise tax, gst, stamp duty, car, truck and motor bike registration, compuslory third party insurance, toll road fees and luxury car tax and replace them with the user pays road charge instead. This would be a fairer way to go as you only pay for what you use. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Smelly 'N' Sloppy.

A single engine light plane took off from the local country airport flying for about 10 kms when suddenly the single engine coughed and spluttered with thick black smoke pouring from it's exhuast then with a groan died. With effort the pilot tried to land the plane in a paddock next to a busy construction site but the planes propellor clipped a high barbed wire fence flipping over and landing upside down on a row of portable toilets totally demolishing them and scattering their smelly and sloppy contents all over the busy construction site.

On impact the planes windscreen popped out and landed a few feet away from the plane. Much to his disgust the pilot got covered in the contents of the portable toilets when the contents came splashing through the space where the windscreen had been. Smelling a bit ripe and lucky to alive the pilot walked away looking like a drowned rat and smelling like one to. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Anzac Day Service.

What a disgraceful decision made by the Victorian R.S.L. to drop God Save The Queen national anthem from the Anzac Day Service. It's insulting and disrespectful to the Australian war veteran's who fought under God Save The Queen national anthem and The Australian flag in world war 1 & 2. Whoever made this appalling decision should take a long hard look at themselves and reverse this decision.

Could this be a plot by the republican movement to have God Save The Queen national anthem dropped altogether from the Anzac Day Service because the minority of Australian's don't know the words. True blue Australian's already know the words, so the minority of Australian's who don't, get off your lazy bottoms and make the effort to learn the correct words and meaning. The Victorian R.S.L. should be ashamed and condemed for allowing this to happen. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Tiny Tale: Sloshed.

Because the day at work had been extremely busy and demanding with the phone ringing constantly, being harrassed and interupted by rude and unpleasant people, then to top it all off Lydia's computer suddenly crashed wiping out every e-mail Lydia had gathered together ready to send. That was the last straw for Lydia so she spat the dummy stormed off out the door of the office and headed for home.

Feeling knackered along the way she dropped into the local bottle shop, bought a bottle of vodka, continued on her way at the same time downing the fiery liquid straight from the bottle relishing it's burning sensation all the way down her throat then crashing into the pit of her empty stomach making her shake and shiver with delight almost passing out.

Eventually Lydia found herself outside her ground floor flat, staggered up three slippery steps to the front door, fumbled around in her bulging purse for the front door key. Finding it she inserted it in the front door lock turning to unlock the door at the same time as pushing it open only to fall flat on her face in the carpeted hallway, mumbling to herself she felt a bit sloshed. Gripping the front door knob using it as leverage she negotiated her way off the floor staggered down the hallway at the same time losing some clothes along the way until she was down to black bra and panties, stumbled into the lounge room landed on the futon still grasping the empty bottle of vodka.

Rising from the futon Lydia headed for the lounge room door leading out to a small court yard, struggling to open the sliding door she then tripped on the door runner fell down the steps landing on her hands and knees on the concrete floor. Rising off the floor Lydia banged her head on the clothes line winding handle staggered backwards landing face first on the nearest garden bed down and out for the count. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Baby Sacrificed In Black Magic Ritual.

Pakistani couple stabbed to death their innocent and defenseless three month old baby in a black magic ritual on the advice of the local witch doctor, who i think was not the full quid or was smoking something funny at the time. The witch doctor told the couple they would become rich by sacrificing there innocent and defenseless three month old baby. I don't believe in voodoo rubbish it should be banned.

After the black magic ritual was performed the baby was buried of all places in the backyard, without i imagine a decent funeral. No matter what country you live in or what religion you follow you're entitled to a decent funeral and not be discarded like a old dirty rag or something you scrape off the bottom of your shoe.

I imagine the couple were put under a spell or some type of mind control by the witch doctor to let this happen to their innocent and defenseless three month old baby as witch doctors are i believe, predators praying on the feeble and weak minds of naive people and should be held accountable for there actions like everyone else. How brutal and barbaric to think human sacrifice still exists in the world today ban it. Here's hoping i'm not cursed after this. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Remote Control Rage.

British man lobbed a t.v. remote control at his wife during a heated arguement over money. What else apart from money do couples argue about. Women think they have a god given right to have money even though they haven't earned it. The t.v. remote control struck his wife on a weak artery near her neck causing a massive brain haemorrhage from which she died.

The husband was charged with manslaughter and was deeply ashamed and remorseful, found guility, sentenced to three years jail. It was revealed during the trial that his wife suffered from a rare medical condition which neither of them knew about. The name of this rare medical condition wasn't revealed. Why was that?. Is something being hidden?.

All he did was lob the t.v. remote control, which women do to, at his wife. This was a million to one lob or just bad luck to strike her in the wrong spot on the neck. Maybe the husband should try out for the English cricket team as i believe they could do with some decent players.

Three years jail is a bit harsh considering he was remorseful and ashamed. This is nothing more than a freak accident. Could this happen again under the same circumstances, i don't think so. It would be a million to one lob to strike the same spot again as the first time was a fluke lob and couldn't possibly happen again.

The husband and wife didn't know about this rare "no name" medical condition, instead of a three jail sentence a fine, three year good behavior bond or community service work or all three combined would have been a better alternative in this case. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.