Thursday, September 30, 2010

A Bonza Jest: The Speed Of Light.

Trevor takes his blind date Joanna to the circus on a balmy saturday night and asks her, what would you like to do first?.

I want to get weighed she replies smiling.

They wander over to a large set of scales outside the clowns tent and she hops on and it reads 53 kgs. Next stop a ride on the ferris wheel, when the ride finishes, Trevor asks Joanna again what would you like to do now?.

I want to get weighed she replies smiling again.

Insead they wander around the circus grounds buy 2 buckets of chips, fairy floss on a stick, an ice cream cone stroll past the animal enclosures, down side show alley, where once again Trevor asks Joanna what would she like to next?.

Joanna says, firmly and with fire in her eyes i want to get weighed!.

Thinking Joanna is totally off her rocker Trevor drives her home, dumps her at the front of her house and takes off at the speed of light never to be seen again to the disappointment of Joanna.

Laura Joanna's housemate asks, how did your blind date go?.
Joanna replies, Oh, Waura it was Wousy!.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke Inc.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Lawnmower Man.

During a bucks night in the Melbourne suburb of Mornington the groom was dared by his drunken guests to strip stark naked, run around the backyard in circles, through the garage down the driveway and back. After thinking about it for a minute or two the groom decided to do it but instead of running back through the garage into the backyard he'd jump on the ride on lawnmower in the garage and go for a ride.

After running around like a maniac the groom jumped on the ride on lawnmower in the garage took off down the driveway onto the Moorooduc Highway with throttle fully open down the wrong side of the highway stark naked. A few kilometres down the highway the groom was pulled over by police and recorded a blood alcohol reading of 0.167, three times over the legal limit. I'd hate to be in his shoes when the bride finds out, sparks will fly i'd say.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring, A Stick, A Calculator and a collection of Goldfish.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What do you call a Boomerang that won't come back?.
A: A Stick!.

Q: What do Calculators and Rabbits have in common?.
A: They both multiply really well!.

Bob says, I won 20 Goldfish in the pub raffle last night.
Bruce asks, Where will you store them?.
Bob replies, In the bath tub.
Bruce asks, When you take a bath what will you do with them?.
Bob replies, Blindfold 'em!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, September 20, 2010

A Bonza Jest: Chucking A Tantrum.

Luke's father asks him, whether or not he knows about the birds and the bees?.
I don't want to know, i'm only 10 years old Luke says, chucking a tantrum.
Gobsmacked his father asks, Why?.

It's because when i was seven you told me there's no Santa Claus, then at eight you told me there's no Easter Bunny, then at nine you told me there's no Tooth Fairy.

I suppose now you're going to tell me that grown ups don't really have nookie, so i've got nothing else left to live for!. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Tiny Tale: Scow.

Newly married aussie backpacking couple on their honeymoon, hitched a ride to the next small town on an old wooden dilapidated scow that had seen better days. Loaded with domestic garbage in large black plastic bags stacked 10 high they stank to high heaven because their rotting contents were slowly being baked by the red hot sun. They were prepared to put up with this foul smell so they could sail down the canal on this bright sunny, cloudless day. Along the way dodging an assortment of leisure craft sailing down the canal, some at break neck speed causing mayhem.

Stretched out on the deck the couple observed eveyday life going on and around them along the grassy, tree lined banks of the canal as they sailed by. People were going about their business without a care in the world, some fishing off the banks, young kids running around like maniacs, riding push bikes full pelt along the footpaths dodging people jogging, strolling along happily pushing prams with their families, some sitting on colourful blankets spread out on the ground enjoying a picnic while the day lasted.

On the horizon dark storm clouds were gathering threatening to rain so most people packed up and headed off home for the night. Further down the canal a weather beaten rickety old wooden bridge spanning the canal which had seen better days to is about to get a big fright, because hurtling down the steep hill is an out of control white 6 tonne lorry used for delivering fruit and vegetables.

Reaching the old rickety wooden bridge the lorry crashed through the wooden railing splintering it to pieces and flipping upside down landing on the front of the scow just as it emerged from underneath the bridge sinking both to the bottom of the canals dark murky waters. Everbody on board the scow survived with only a dunking in the cold waters of the canal and scrambled up it's banks to safety. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Psychotic Little Voices.

I've been hearing and reading people quoting "I'm a People Person", "She's a People Person", "He's a People Person" give me a break. What a load of bollocks, these people should stop listening to those psychotic little voices in their heads because it doesn't fool me one bit.

This politically correct title of "A People Person" is dreamt up by people with psychotic little voices in their heads to justify a person who thinks he or she knows all the answers about life but in reality knows nothing about nothing.

It also sounds like "A People Person" is just somebody who sticks his or her big nose in where it's not wanted, same can be said about a busy body who thinks he or she can help other people to solve their everyday problems and really don't have a clue about life in general themselves.

"A People Person" is a complete urban myth no matter what those psychotic little voices in your head tell you, so get over yourselves you don't exist. Don't ya just get sick and tired of people like that and just wish they'd just go away ha, ha, ha. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Very First Day At School.

How bizzare is the German Communist Party giving Primary School Children in Essen, Germany on their very first day at school a cone filled with "Pornographic Pens" which project erotic images instead of the usual cone filled with lollies. Truly a bizarre introduction to your school life.

It gets even worse because apprantly all you have to do is press the button on the end of the pen and a "Naked Woman" starts an "Erotic Dance". I'd say there would a lot of lot of "Red Faced" (Pun Intended) officials in the German Communist Party in deep doo, doo for this boo, boo. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, September 06, 2010

A Bonza Jest: Boarding School.

At morning assembly the strict Headmaster of the boarding school gave a speech to all the new students on their first day on some of the school rules.

One of those rules are says the strict Headmaster is that the female dormitory will be off limits to all males students and the male dormitory will be off limits to all female students. Any student caught breaching this rule will be fined $50.00 for the first offence, $100.00 for the second offence and $150.00 for the third offence.

On finishing his speech the strict Headmaster asks, Are there any questions?.
A student at the rear of the assembly asks, How much for a Season Pass!.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Ramdom Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring: Farmer John, A Cute Orangutan, Some DNA And A Well Known Design.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: Why did Farmer John buy 2 hectares of land at the South Pole?.
A: Because he though it would be a perfect place to grow frozen vegetables!.

: Chris Customer walks into a dingy bar and orders a pot of beer, takes one swig and sets it down on the bar suddenly from out of nowhere a Cute Orangutan turns up and steals his pot of beer.
He turns to Bart the Barman and asks, Who owns the Cute Orangutan?, Bart the Barman replies, Peter the Piano Player in the corner.
Chris Customer strolls over to Peter the Piano player and asks, do you know " your Cute Orangutan stole my pot of beer"?.
Peter the Piano replies, No, but if you hum a few bars i'll play it for you!.

Q: How does the male morning after pill work?.
A: It changes their DNA!.

Q: What did the Ark-Itect design?.
A: Noah's Ark!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing. (c) 2010 Windsmoke.