Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 078: Mission.

In dusky moonlight.
Spirits soar on a Mission.
To steep pinnacle.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: A Knock Knock, An Antique and A Ultimatium.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?.
Bridie who.
Bridie the light of the silvery moon!.

Q: When do you know your getting old?.
A: When people bid on you at an Antique auction!.

Mick Maloney says, i was given a Ultimatium by my wife last night while i was packing my fishing gear into the ute.
What did she say?, asks Paddy Pickles.
Its me or your fishing.
Which did you choose?.
Fishing of course, gee i miss her not!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 077: Kiss.

Meek waves Kiss sheer cliffs.
Wears away the rocky shore.
Ebbs into the sea.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Upside Down.

After finishing a counter lunch of steak, chips and salad followed by a few beers at the Contention Hotel, Grandpa Grey who's 90 not out, staggers out the front door and is blinded by the hot blazing and almost loses his balance on the steps. With his hand sheilding his eyes Grandpa finnally steps onto the footpath, to make matters worse he is well nigh cleaned up by twin brother and sister Graham and Gemma Green riding their brand new mountain bikes along the footpath at break neck speed.
Why don't you two young whipper snappers be more careful i almost filled my boxer shorts, screams Grandpa at the top of his lungs while shaking his fist at them. Unbeknown to Grandpa who can't see past his nose without his glasses on, Graham Green turns around pokes his tongue out along with a one finger salute.

Now a wee bit confused Grandpa has forgotten the errand he was on and scours the top pockets of his blue flannel check shirt in the hope of finding his to do list, instead he comes across two letters that need posting to Australia but have no postage stamps stuck on them. Grandpa now realises that the Contention Post Office is his next port of call and takes off at a very brisk pace along the footpath to the post office on the corner, storms up the disabled ramp through the automatic doors and collides headlong into the last customer in the queue which is ten deep inside the post office.
Oh! no, i'll be here for hours mumbles Grandpa to himself.

What seemed to be hours which was actually only 20 minutes Grandpa is finally at the head of the queue waiting to be served.
Next please, grumbles Penny Postmistress.
Grandpa ambles over to the crowded counter and says, I need two stamps so i post these letters and would you be so kind as to stick them on for me i'm a bit short sighted and i've forgotten my glasses.
No problem i can do that for you, hang on a minute do you realise you've written the adressess Upside Down.
Yes i do, because they're going to Australia, you know the land down under.
Gobsmacked Penny sticks the postage stamps on the letters and says, the post box is out the front at the end of the disabled ramp you can post them on your way out.

Mumbling again to himself Grandpa strides through the automatic doors, eyes the post box recessed in the wall and pops 'em through the slot, strides down the disabled ramp and is once again well nigh cleaned up by twin brother and sister Graham and Gemma Green riding their brand new mountain bikes full tilt along the footpath in the opposite direction.
Grandpa once again mumbles to himself, i'm convinced those two young whipper snappers are stalking me then wanders off toward home.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 076: Yesterday.

Clock ticks past midnight.
Yesterday is history.
Today is brand new.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: A Garment, A Knock, Knock and A Seahorse.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What is a duffle coat?.
A: A Garment a boy wears when his mum is cold!.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?.
Answer who?.
Answer are all over your car!.

Two best cobbers Tom and Nick who are 10 year old are playing video games in the rumpus room when out of the blue Tom says, i'm going down to the pet shop tomorrow and buy A Seahorse.
What do ya want A Seahorse for?, asks Nick.
So i can play water polo!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke. 

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 075: Skeletons.

Spirits in my head.
Haunt my brain with ghoulish thoughts.
Skeletons emerge.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, November 18, 2011

A Bonza Jest: Item In Question.

Zig zagging along the footpath on this bitterly cold morning and shaking from head to toe like a leaf in a strong wind is Grandma Redhead who's husband passed away recently from a heart attack. Finally reaching her intended destination she climbs up the steps, enters the Contention Adult Shop which sells a vast array of adult entertainment of the intimate variety. She wobbles up to the front counter crammed to overflowing with various items only to discover no one is around, then notices a round brass bell residing on the counter, taps it gently in the hope someone will turn up to help her.

Behind a large black curtain on the otherside of the counter is Nancy Nutmeg the shop owner who shouts, just a minute i'm on the phone with a customer.
Ooookkkk! replies Grandma. While waiting she decides to have a sticky beak around the shop, gawping at various items on display which are not her cup of tea. Finally ending her phone call Nancy draws the large black curtain aside to reveal she is scantly clad in a very low cut, figure hugging red leather outfit which leaves nothing to the imagination at all and asks, how can i help you today love?.

Yyyyooounnnggg lllladdddy ddddoooo yyyyooouuuu sssseeeellll vvvvibbbrattttorssss?, asks Grandma.

Yes i do love, says Nancy with a cheeky smile on her face.

Bbbbigggg ffffluoressssentttt ggggreeeennnn oooonessss?.

I have in stock all different shapes, colours and sizes love.

Aaaabbbboooutttt ttttweeeellllveeee iiiinchhhhesss lllloooongggg?.

I certainly do love.

Tttthhhatttt ttttakkkessss ttttwoooo dddd ceeeellll bbbbatttteriessss?.

Yes i do love.

Wwwwelll tttthennnn ccccannnn yyyyouuuu ttttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo tttturrrrnnnn ttttheeee bbbblasssstedddd tttthingggg ooooffff?.

I can do that for you love where is the Item In Question?.
Grandma places her large black shoulder bag on the counter, removes the Item In Question, hands it to Nancy who then turns it off. Hands up those who thought the Item In Question was some place else.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.  

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 074: Lustre.

Rich full moon ascends.
At the rear of motile clouds.
Opaque Lustre.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: A Cliff, Medication and Both Ends.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What do two elephants sound like when they jump off A Cliff and hit the ground below?.
A: Boom, boom!!.

Q: What kind of Medication do ants need?.
A: Anti-biotics!.

Peter and Colin are travelling home together on a crowded bus when Peter asks, which end of the bus can i safely alight from?.
It doesn't really matter Both Ends stop at the same time, replies Colin.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 073: Crying.

The sky is Crying.
The tears gush down the mountain.
Into arctic mere.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Steamed Dim Sims.

Its lunchtime and Senior Constable Lucy Lavender who's been stationed at the Contention Police Station for the last two years locks her office door, wanders via the noisy and crowded reception area, out the front door onto the wet footpath and meanders toward the Contention Fish 'n' Chip shop and orders three Steamed Dim Sims for lunch.

Firmly grasping the brown paper bag with two Steamed Dim Sims in one hand while munching on a third with the other Lucy makes a bee-line for the police station at a brisk pace hoping not to get caught in the rain as dark clouds start rolling in. Up ahead she spots her little brother Larry Lavender walking towards her and they meet at the entrance to the police station.

After giving each other a hug and a couple of air kisses Lucy says, fancy meeting you here where are you off to?.
I'm trying to work out what to have for lunch, what are you having?, asks Larry.
Steamed Dim Sims.
Yummy, tell ya what, if i can guess how many you have left can i have one?.
Go on take a wild guess and if you guess correctly you can have both of 'em.

Eyeing off the brown paper bag for what seemed an eternity Larry finally says, with a big smile on his freckled face, my guess is there are four left, did i guess correctly?.
No, like i said before you can have both of 'em if you guessed correctly but you didn't, opening the brown paper bag and showing Larry the two Steamed Dim Sims. Shaking her head Lucy mounts the steps leading into the police station and disappears into the bowls of the dingy cavernous police station.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 072: Mansions.

Sprawling fields of grass.
Tumbledown stately Mansions.
Girdled by forests.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, November 07, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: Rare, Antique and Empty Handed.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What is a Rare hare?.
A: A queer rabbit!.

Q: What do ya call a 100 year old ant?.
A: An Antique!.

Are you coming to my birthday party next saturday?, asks Luke.
Yes, give me your address, replies Matthew.
Its 36 Russell St, when you turn up ring the door bell with your elbow.
Why my elbow?.
Because you won't be Empty Handed will ya!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Saturday, November 05, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 071: Galaxies.

Ride a bolting star.
Through Galaxies of cosmic death.
To zions pale garden.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, November 04, 2011

Gone Walkabout.

Sitting comfortable in the garage on a brown leather chair which has seen better days and next to his speed boat, Lucas is reading the local rag and comes across a full page ad which reads in bold print For Sale The Contention Firewood Supply. Further down the page in small print it reads the sale includes buildings and contents, two 4wd utes, a bobcat and tip truck various axes, sledghammers, splitters, hand saws, chainsaws price on application contact Contention Real Estate for more details.

What do ya say about going into the Firewood Supply Business?, asks Lucas.
Spread out on a brown leather couch in the corner and looking dazed and confused after last nights bender Josh says, Yeah i'll give it a go its gotta be better than lying around here all day going nuts, we can use our redundacy payout as a deposit then apply for a business loan through the Contention Community Bank  to cover the shortfall. Sounds like a plan to me i'll give the Contention Real Estate Agent a bell in the morning and find out the asking price.

Next morning after giving the Contention Real Estate Agent a bell Lucas says, the asking price is $25,000, walking into the garage and plonking himself on the brown leather chair, we only have $7,000 between us so that leaves us $18,000 to borrow.

After jumping through many hoops as ya do to have a loan granted, one week later the loan is approved and the following day Lucas and Josh are handed the keys to their new business venture.
I never thought in my wildest dream that you and me would go into business together, says Lucas.
Me either, so now we have to make a go of it so no whinging, moaning or slacking off when the going gets tough, replies Josh.
I'll see you tomorrow morning at 7.30 am then we'll see who'll be whinging, moaning or slacking off.

On the first day of business Lucas and Josh cut and chop small redgum logs into three piles of firewood then Josh jumps onto the bobcat fires it up and scoops one pile into the tip truck ready for delivery after lunch. Lunchtime is finished and everything is washed up and put away, Lucas and Josh both jump into the tip truck and take off to make their first delivery on the other side of town.

Returning to the yard an hour later they discover one pile of firewood has Gone Walkabout.
I don't believe this when we left there were two piles of firewood now there's only one, says Lucas.
What should we do about it call the police?, asks Josh reaching for his mobile phone.
No wait, i've an idea that will catch the thief.
OK then. 

Next morning Lucas says to Josh we'll only prepare two piles of firewood today.
Why only two piles?, asks Josh
I want to be certain the lowlife thief pinches this pile today because i'll prepare a nasty surprise for him, says Lucas.
What would that be?.
Never mind that jump into one of the utes, because its your shout to buy lunch today.
While Josh is out buying lunch Lucas rigs the firewood with his nasty surprise. After making their first delivery of the day and returning to the yard they discover the other pile has Gone Walkabout to.
Do we ring the police this time?, asks Josh mobile phone at the ready.
No we wait and see what happens tonight, says Lucas.

Around 6.00pm a loud explosion echoes through the town which the town folk find out via the grapevine that it came from the Contention Pizza Shop. When Lucas turns up a small crowd has gathered to watch the action.
People are saying the wood fired oven blew up while the cook was preparing the oven for tonights customers, says Josh.
Now you you know who's been pinching our firewood, says Lucas.
What did you do?, asks Josh.
I stuffed two pieces of hollow firewood with two shotgun cartridges in each piece and waited for the big bang.

Came across this story in the newspaper which actually happened, the real parts are the piles of firewood being pinched and the shotgun cartridges were stuffed into hollow pieces of firewood. Once again my bizarre mind went into overdrive adding bits and pieces here and there. When you come to think about it , it really is irresponsible, stupid, dangerous and reckless act. If it was me i'd hide myself somewhere in the yard, camera at the ready and wait for the lowlife thief to turn up then snap away and turn the photos over to the police, its much safer that way. What would you have done in a situation like this?.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.          

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 070: Helicopters.

In outback desert.
Fluttering Helicopters.
Herd mobs of sheep.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.