Saturday, December 31, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 087: Meek.

The sun is aglow.
Its raining in my split heart.
Drenching my Meek soul.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Garry And Julia's Big Day Out Pt 5: Rain Shadow.

Dawn is breaking and the scarlet sun peeps above the tall gum trees, shining rays of light through sparse green leaves on to the soggy road, creating swirls of rising steam as Garry, Julia and Tara trek down the road in Tara's tilt-a-truck toward the Contention Smash Repair Depot with the intention of dropping off Garry and Julia's 4wd which is a crumpled wreck after their encounter with the orange mist and albino turtles a few kilometres back.
Where are you folks from?, asks Tara.
Contenton City East, replies Julia in a grumpy voice.
I see the middle class area with all those fancy double story houses.
Yep, that's the place alright.
Would've cost you an arm and a leg to buy i imagine.
Just as Tara finishes speaking dark rain clouds waft across the sky totally blotting out the scarlet sun. Pitter, patter of rain drops is heard on the thin metallic roof of the tilt-a-truck. Within a matter of seconds it starts raining cats and dogs.
Doesn't the rain ever let up in this neck of the woods, asks Garry.
We're under the influence of a Rain Shadow, replies Tara.
What's a Rain Shadow?.
Its a arid area on the leeward side of Mount Contention which is in the path of rain bearing winds, which in turn dumps all the rain on this side.
So in other words we get more than our fair share of rain and get flooded out.
You're absolutely spot on.

Dazzling sunshine reappears once again as the dark clouds waft away leaving behind a welcome rainbow on the horizon in the now cloudless blue sky.
How long before we reach your digs?, asks Julia.
Not long now love, we just have to cross the bridge spanning the Contention River, i'm on the other side up on the tree lined hill, says Tara.
Oh good i'm dying for a strong black cup of coffee.
I'm dying for a chilled beer or whiskey, says Garry.
Typical, replies Julia you men can't keep away from alcohol.
Were coming up to the bridge, once we're across we'll be on the home stretch. If you look up, glance to the right a tad you can see my digs from here.
Yep, i see it, replies Julia.

Halfway across the bridge a thunderous rumbling is heard to which the bridge starts shaking violently swaying from side to side.
Looks like we're in for a roller coaster ride folks so hang on tight, says Tara.
Moments later the swollen river banks on both sides collapse into the swiftly rushing river leaving them stranded in the centre of the bridge with no chance of escape.
This is not good at all, says Tara.
Ya not wrong, replies Garry.
How do we escape this predicament?, asks Julia.
Blowed if i know, any ideas, asks Tara.
In the distance along the course of the river, Garry beholds an enormous wall of water thundering down towards them carrying vast amounts of rubbish and debris.
Crikey!, we're really in deep doo, doo, says Garry pointing at the enormous wall of water bearing down on them at a cracking pace.
It was nice knowing you folks, because we've on chance of survival, that's a inland tsunami bearing down on us, says Tara almost in tears.

Proudly standing to attention like a phallic symbol at the head of the inland tsunami is the wooden thunder box from the Contention Caravan Park.
Will ya take a gander at that, says Julia pointing, its none other than that damned wooden thunder box from the Contention Caravan Park stalking us, i bet those pesky flies are nowhere to be seen, hope they all drowned.
Just before the full force of the inland tsunami smashes head on into the bridge, the wooden thunder box strikes the bridges guardrail, tips over on its side and like a arrow released from a bow it barrels through the air colliding with the side of the tilt-a-truck shoving it across the bridge to the otherside smashing throught the guardrail and plunging both into the swiftly rushing river below, never to be seen or heard from again. Shortly afterwards the bridge is struck by the full force of the inland tsunami washing it down stream with every other piece of rubbish and debris.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.  

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 086: Bulky.

Across the azure.
Bulky stars come out to romp.
Like tumbling dice.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: A Knock, Knock, Politics and Grass Skirts.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?.
Chloe who?.
Chloe encounters of the third kind!.

Tom Teacher asks his pupils, Can you give me another example of how to use the word Politics?.
Raising her hand excitedly is Prunella Pupil.
Yes Prunella what's your example?.
My parrot swallowed a watch and now polly ticks!.

Q: Why are the trick or treaters wearing Grass Skirts?.
A:  Because its hulaween to!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 085: Blustery.

Hurricane of fire.
Fondled by Blustery WIND.
Hazy SMOKE billows.

This is a special Fair Dinkum Haiku requested by THE ELEPHANTS CHILD. Can you work out why?.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, December 23, 2011

A Bonza Jest: Blown Glass Bottle.

On the limestone cliff's in the vast Contention National Park which overlook the Sea Of Contention is Lucas Lavender, his younger brother Larry, with them is their best cobber Josh Juniper who are sitting on a wobbly wooden park bench taking a breather from their morning jog. Lucas decamps from the park bench, leans on a wheelie bin full of rubbish and discovers a Blown Glass Bottle resting on top of all the rubbish, he picks it up and says hey guys look what i found in the wheelie bin.
That's a very unusual style bottle, says Larry.
Its got a cork, pull it out and see what happens, says Josh.

After wrestling with the cork for a bit Lucas finally pulls it out. Suddenly a swirl of purple smoke emerges, drifts over to the park bench, slowly the purple smoke vanishes and in its place is Gene Genie who hovers above the park bench cross-legged with arms folded across his chest.
Are you a fair dinkum Genie?, asks Lucas.
Is the pope catholic?, replies Gene Genie.
I guess he is catholic.
Well that makes me a real Genie doesn't it.
How many wishes will you grant us?, asks Larry.
I'll grant each one of you one wish each in gratitude for releasing me from that cramped, smelly, mouldy bottle.
Ok we'll be in it, what do we have to do?.

Its as simple as falling off a log, says Gene Genie.
All you have to do is take a running leap off the limestone cliff behind you and at the same time shout out your wish and you'll land in a dinghy chock-a-block of that wish.
Sounds easy enough, what do ya reckon guys shall we give it a shot?.
Yeah, why not we've got nothing to lose, replies Josh.
I'm in so long as Lucas goes first, says Larry.
Ok, i'll go first, are you ready Gene Genie?.
I'm at your command.

Lucas takes a few steps back, takes off at a cracking pace, leaps off the cliff and shouts money, when he lands in his dinghy its crammed with $100 notes.
Next up is Josh who also takes a few steps back, takes off like a bat out of hades, leaps off the cliff and shouts gorgeous sheila's, when he lands in his dinghy its chock-full of the most gorgeous sheila's Josh has ever seen in his life.
Now comes Larry's turn, who's a bit mentally challenged and has forgotten most of Gene Genies instructions and runs like the clappers, leaps off the cliff and shouts weeee, when he lands in his dinghy its full to the brim with yellow piddle and nearly drowns!.

Just goes to show you have to be very careful what you say when making a wish. What would you wish for if given a chance?.

G' Day THE ELEPHANTS CHILD your special Haiku you asked for will be posted first thing tomorrow morning enjoy.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 084: Alone.

Bitter roaring wind.
All Alone on this mountain.
Zilch around for miles.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: Blind, Very Annoying and Peckish.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What do ya get when you cross a dog with a Blind dingo?.
A: A dog that barks up the wrong tree!.

Its early evening around tea time when Paul's mobile phone chirps and he says, Hello, who's calling at this time its Very Annoying.
I wonder if i can speak to your parents?, asks Cindy.
Hold on i'll look up their number for ya. After a few minutes Paul reads out the phone number to Cindy.

Fifteen minutes later Cindy calls back and says, You've given me the wrong phone number this one is for the Contention Cemetary.
Its the right phone number because my parents passed away thirty years ago and you did ask to speak to them!.

Q: Which tree do ya scan for when you're a tad Peckish?.
A: The pantry!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 083: Gusty.

Angry wave shaped clouds.
Glide across the murky sky.
Thrust by Gusty winds.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, December 16, 2011

A Cave.

Stapled to a wooden electricity pole beside the footpath is a large cardboard sign which reads, garage sale next saturday, sale includes white goods, furniture, toys, books, garden tools, pot plants, car parts and bric-a-brac, everything must be sold owner moving to Hawaii all welcome, sale starts at 7 am till 4 pm.
After reading the large cardboard sign Ruby Redhead whose walking home from her part time job at the Contention Fish 'n' Shop dives into her tiny handbag over flowing with girlie junk, rumages around for a few minutes and finds her mobile phone and speed dials her best cobber Betty Blonde.

Betty Blonde answers the phone after a few rings and says, G' day Ruby what's going on?.
There's a garage sale at the house on the corner of my street tomorrow starting at 7 am because the lucky ducks are moving to Hawaii where our best blogging cobber Cloudia lives thought you might be interested there could be a second hand upright freezer for sale that you've been after for a while. 
I'll come around to your house early tomorrow morning and we can both go together.

Bright and early next morning Betty Blonde is at the front door of Ruby's house ringing the door bell impatiently.
Ok, ok keep ya hair on i'm coming screams Ruby from the kitchen. Finally the front door opens and Ruby steps out dressed and ready to go and says right then lets be off. They both wander down the footpath to the house on the corner and discover five or six people milling around the house up the driveway waiting for the side gates to open.

Right on 7 am the side gates are thrown open and everybody stampedes up the driveway into the garage where Betty Blonde frantically gawks around for a second hand upright freezer she's hoping to buy and lo and behold she spots one tucked away in the corner, makes a bee line straight for it. Attached to the door is the price tag which reads $100 or nearest offer Betty opens the door and is delighted the inside is as clean as a whistle.

Sitting on the middle shelf is the operating instructions which she picks up, flips through, stops at the heading "Defrost" which she reads out aloud, when defrosting remove all frozen food wrap in newspaper or blanket then store in the coldest place possible such as A Cave.
Crikey! A Cave, the only caves i know of are the limestone caves in the Contention National Park, says Betty.
Don't worry about it those operating instructions are outdated and could be at least 40 years old, replies Ruby.
That maybe the case but i'm going to buy this upright freezer for a $100 its a real bargain.

Came across this story in one of my folders written on a scrap piece of paper the upright freezer and operating instructions are real. Once again my bizarre mind went into overdrive adding bits and pieces here and there. Would you risk storing all your frozen food in A Cave so the local wildlife and creepy critters can feast upon it?, i know i wouldn't.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.   

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 082: Caressing.

On the beach i stroll.
Waves roll and swirl at my feet.
Caressing my toes.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: Footwear, Forehead and Tickets.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What do ya call a cat that wears footwear?.
A: Puss 'n' boots!.

Q: Why does Betty Blonde whack herself on the Forehead with her hand?.
A: Because she's high fiving herself!.

Father and Mary Christmas decide to spend the evening at the movies at the newly built multiplex. With Mary in tow Father Christmas barges past everybody queuing for Tickets and comes to a halt at the Ticket window.

Excuse me sir, please go the end of the queue and wait your turn to purchase Tickets like everybody else, says Tara from behind the smoky glass Ticket window.
Look here young lady i don't need a Ticket i'm Father Christmas my face is my Ticket.
You'd better be careful then because there is a muscle bound bouncer who's job it is to punch Tickets!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 081: Petite.

Like rolling dice.
Petite stars come out to play.
Across the heavens.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, December 09, 2011

Funky Anagrams.

What is an Anagram?. Its a word or a phrase which the letters are rearranged to form another word or phrase.

Rearrange MEL GIBSON and you get: BONG SMILE.

Rearrange JAMES BOND and you get: DEMONS JAB.


Rearrange MOUNT SHASTA and you get: SATANS MOUTH.

Rearrange THE COUNTRY SIDE and you get: NO CITY DUST HERE.

Rearrange OSAMA BIN LADEN and you get: I BE SO DAMNED ANAL.

Which Anagram is your favourite?.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke. 

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 080: Woodland.

Fervent homsteads.
Sprawling field of verdant grass.
Besieged by Woodland.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, December 05, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: A Two Dollar Coin, Boiling Up and The Headmaster.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: How do you bump off a bogan with a Two Dollar Coin?.
A: Toss it under a moving semi-trailer!.

Peter Patient says, I seem to be boiling up a lot lately.
Doctor Derek replies, You just need to simmer down a bit!.

I don't wanna go to school anymore, says Phillip.
Why not?, asks his mum.
Because all the teachers bully me and the lads in my grade don't like me.
Do ya know why?.
I have no idea!.
Its because you're 45 years old and The Headmaster!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Saturday, December 03, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 079: Infinite.

In Infinite space.
Never ending throughout time.
Our fragile home spins.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, December 02, 2011

A Bonza Jest: Several Kicks.

For weeks Gerard Grey who's eight years old and attends the Contention Primary School has been bragging to his classmates and his teacher Teresa Turquoise about a new baby brother or sister that is expected to be born anyday now.

One evening while sitting on the couch watching tv Gerards mum allows him to rest his hand on her big tummy and feel the unborn childs movements. Gerard is shocked because the unborn child gives Several Kicks but he makes no comment and stops telling his classmates and teacher.

During lunchtime in the crowded school canteen his teacher Teresa pulls Gerard to one side and asks, what has become of your new baby brother or sister you were always telling us about.
My mummy ate it, replies Gerard bursting into tears.
How do ya know that?.
Because i rested my hand on my mummy's big tummy and the baby was trying to kick its way out!.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.