Monday, October 31, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: Thieving, Medicine and $120 Bucks.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What do ya call a Thieving pig?.
A: A ham burglar!.

Q: What is a bees favourite song?.
A: A spoonful of sugar helps the Medicine go down!.

Dean Dentist says, I'll have to extract that decayed tooth, don't worry it'll only take a couple of minutes.
Paula Patient asks, How much is it gonna cost?.
It'll cost ya $120 Bucks.
That's a fair bit of moolah for a couple of minutes work.
If you like i'll extract the tooth very slowly to make it last longer.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 069: Lea.


Wall of pea soup fog.
Skims calmly over the Lea.
Like slow motion waves.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Body Parts: Hair.

There is Hair and Hair.
Thick and thin.
Tangled and messy.
Curly and frizzy.
Bouncy and flat.
Long and short.

Page 'n' bob.
Mullet 'n' afro.
Crew 'n' buzz.
Close cropped.
Short back.
Short sides.
Nude on top.

Blonde and platium.
Red and brunette.
Black and brown.
Grey and greyer.
Salt 'n' pepper.
Punky 'n' funky.
Rainbow colour.
Some people just have bad hair days everyday.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 068: Fjord.


Purplish dusky clouds.
Embrace craggy mountain peaks.
Down to icy Fjord.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: A Crayant, Partly Deaf and Tiddly Winks.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What type of ant can you colour in with?.
A: A Crayant!.

Q: Why was the Partly Deaf bartender called the judge?.
A: Because he would pardon everyone!.

Donna Diner asks, Does the band play requests?.
Yes madame i think so, replies Wilbur Waiter.
Bonza, wander over their and ask them to play Tiddly Winks until i've finished eating!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.
 

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 067: Nippy.


Lake backlit by sun.
Slipping behind steep mountain.
Night air turns Nippy.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Garry And Julia's Big Day Out Pt 4: Orange Mist.

Fleeing along the slippery road at a great rate of knots after the scary encounter at the Contention Roadhouse Garry and Julia come to a steep hill, zoom up and coast down the other side, up and coast down a second steep hill. On the crest of the third steep hill their headlights fix upon an Orange Mist spread across the road at the bottom of the hill.

Now what's going on?, asks Julia.
Crikey that's very queer to come across Orange Mist in the middle of the bush could be a form of chemical gas, replies Garry.
I doubt it but i'm not surprised after all we've run into today this town of Contention is really weird.
Do ya want to keep going or turn back?.
Keep going what have we got to lose except our sanity.

Piercing the Orange Mist Garry and Julia's 4wd starts to cough and splutter then almost conks out. At the same instant the Orange Mist makes it way through the dashboard vents and Julia's open window creeping silently into their mouthes and noses causing psychodelic hallucinations of all colours and shapes along with abnormal creatures from another dimension.

Are you eyeballing what i'm eyeballing?. asks Julia.
Yeah!, its freaking me out big time, its without a doubt some form of chemical gas not of this world, replies Garry.
Wait a minute the Orange Mist seems to be drifting away because the psychodelic hallucinations are far and few between.
Crikey you're spot on it is drifting away and becoming less potent.

Bursting through the dense bush are a mob of seven foot tall albino turtles and they scurry upright on deformed human like limbs across the slippery road at the same time keeping there bright piercing pink eyes glued to the 4wd heading straight for them. Each albino turtle has huge razor sharp triangle teeth and they in their deformed human like limbs are ak-47 machine guns, rocket launches, hand guns and strapped to their albino shells are hand grenades and various other ammo in pouches.

Without warning Garry stamps down hard on the brake pedal causing all four wheels to lock up on the slippery road surface sending the 4wd into a 360 degree spin slides off the road slamming sideways into a channel spraying mud, stones, weeds and litres of putried water through the air along with the 4wd. After a few seconds pass everything comes back down to earth with a loud splat except for the 4wd which rolls twice and on the third roll gently kisses a very ancient redgum tree with its roof.

Lucky to be alive with only minor cuts, abrasions and bruising Garry and Julia crawl through the open passenger side window and jump down to the muddy ground.
What kind of driving do ya call that, you could have killed us both you idiot, just look at our brand new 4wd its a write off, screams Julia slumping to her knees onto the muddy ground sobbing.
Just be grateful we didn't end up as dinner for the mob of albino turtles about to scurry across the road, replies Garry.
Albino turtles?, what are you raving on about i didn't see a mob of albino turtles you are definitely losing your marbles.
I must've been hallucinating because they are nowhere to be seen like the Orange Mist.

During this emotional out burst Garry and Julia didn't notice a tilt-a-tray tow truck had pulled up and is shining one of three powerful spotlights mounted on its roof on them.
You folks ok over there?, asks Tara the driver who's also a female body builder with muscles on top of her muscles.
Yeah we're fine apart from some scratches, abrasions and bruising, says Garry.

How come you knew we were here?, asks Julia.
Around this time of the year the Orange Mist leaches out of the ground followed by a mob of albino turtles you seen them didn't ya that's why you both ended up over there.
Ya not wrong, replies Garry.
Ok i'll get you folks out of there and on your way sadly your 4wd is a write off.
Tara walks over to the crumpled wreckage with cable and hook in hand, grabs hold of the 4wd and gives it an almighty shove so it lands on all four wheels threads the cable and hook through its towing loops, winches the crumpled wreckage on to the tilt-a-tray, chains all four wheels to the tray and says, all is secure climb aboard and lets make tracks out of here with that all three pile into the cabin and trundle off down the road.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.       

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 066: Meadows.


Ripe alpine Meadows.
Encircled by waterfalls.
Wildflowers erupt.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: Bulls, Hot Weather and a Rooster.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: How do Bulls drive their cars?.
A: They steer them!.

Q: Which breed of dog can't handle the Hot Weather?.
A: A faint bernard!.

Big Roger Rooster struts into the small hen house and squawks at Little Henrietta Hen, You haven't laid any eggs for a long time, so what gives?.

You don't come round much anymore that's what gives, so what did you expect an immaculate conception?, squawks Little Henrietta Hen hopping mad.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 065: Stalagmites.

In spacious grotto.
Stalagmites spring from the ground.
Like gnarled sentinels.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Body Parts: Noses.

There are noses and noses.
Bulbous and roman.
Pointy and petite.
Flat and squashed.
Dozy and shiny.
Some sniff.
Some are runny.
Some are snotty.
Some are snobby.
Other noses just smell.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 064: Carpet.

Beyond the mountain.
On a magic Carpet ride.
Silver clouds arise.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: A Pear, Envelopes and Fish.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What can't half A Pear do, what a whole Pear can?.
A:  Look Around!.

Q: How do ya know Burt Blonde has been forwarding e-mails?.
A: When theirs a clump of Envelopes wedged in the disk drive!.

Q: Who do fish borrow money from?.
A: A loan shark!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Saturday, October 08, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 063: Stalactite.

Titanic cavern.
Ceiling tined with Stalactite.
Echo irate teeth.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, October 07, 2011

A Bonza Jest: Mr Whippy.

Sunday morning at 11.30 am and Ruby Redhead's mobile phone starts chirping its her 95 year old Grandma who's in tears.
G' Day Grandma what's up, why are you crying?, asks Ruby.
I'm ringing to ask if you could please come over right away Grandpa passed away this morning from a heart attack.
That's to be expected being 97 years old, i'll be there in 15 minutes, says Ruby.

Racing through the front door Ruby pecks her Grandma on both cheeks while at the same time embracing her and asks, what caused Grandpa to have a heart attack?.
It happened early this morning while we copulating on the couch in the spare bedroom.
Ruby couldn't believe her ears and says, you two were having nookie on the couch in the spare bedroom when you're both close to 100 years old that is asking for trouble.

Absolutely not my child because many years ago when Grandpa and i started getting older we discovered we still had a robust nookie life and the ideal time to copulate was when the church bells started to chime it was the right rhythm, nice slow and easy, Grandpa went in on the ding and out on the dong it was heaven, Ruby just looked at Grandma gobsmacked and lost for words.

Grabbing a tissue from its box Grandma wipes away her tears and continues on, you know my child your Grandpa would still be alive and kicking today if that damned Mr Whippy ice cream van hadn't driven past at that exact moment blaring away with its jingle that was a faster rhythm than the church bells poor Grandpa got muddled up and started going faster in time with the rhythm of Mr Whippy's jingle and couldn't keep up that's why Grandpa had his heart attack, it was just to much for him!.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.   

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 062: Wraithes.


Sorcerous Wraithes.
Take me beyond the mountain.
To the astral plain.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, October 03, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring: Crafty, Genes and a Letterbox.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What do ya call a Crafty pig?.
A: A cunning ham!.

Q: Why was the dog called levi?.
A: Because he has good Genes!.

Burt Blonde and his best cobber Rusty Redhead are in the local cafe drinking coffee and eating salad rolls.

I tried to send an e-mail to my big brother yesterday and broke my lap top computer, says Burt.

How on earth did ya manage that?, asks Rusty.

When i tried to shove it through the Letterbox slot!, replies Burt.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Saturday, October 01, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 061: Pews.


Religious icons.
Decorate white chapel walls.
Sneer at scarred Pews.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.