Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 034: Howling.

Howling bitter wind.
Fills canvas sail to bursting.
Spectral sea sirens cry out.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring, A Wizard, A Knock Knock and Leprechauns.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Dean Diner says, There's a bee in my casserole.
Wilbur Waiter replies, That's the manager the last customer was a Wizard who didn't like the casserole!.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?.
Adore who?.
Adore stands between us so open up!.

Q: What do Leprechauns use for a toilet seat?.
A: Ring pulls off aluminium cans!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Garry & Julia's Big Day Out Pt 1: The Crossroad Of Life.

Tearing along a partial bitumen and dirt track at the same time leaving a dense fog of brown dust in their wake, Garry and Julia are prompting their new 4wd through its paces when Julia spots a badly weather beaten sign post which is barely readable but Julia can just make it out to read Contention 5 kms.  

A little way down the track Garry and Julia come to a crossroad pull over to the side of the track beside another badly weather beaten sign post veiled behind a gum tree branch which reads "You are now entering The Township of Contention" 

Vacating their new 4wd Garry and Julia set off towards the crossroad and come to a standstill at its heart. Will ya take a gander at this weird array of buildings that inhabit each of the four corners they remind me of The Crossroad Of Life says Garry. After eye-balling all the four corners for a minute or more Julia isn't satisfied with the theroy suggested by Garry and asks, How did ya work that one out?.
Garry replies, when ya look at it ya have on one corner a primary school, on the next a decrepit pub on the third a bluestone church and on the final corner a community hall.
What is your point my love with the bizarre mind?, asks Julia.

My point is my darling is that they also translate into an education, damnation, salvation and recreation replies Garry.
There's one building that isn't represented here can you guess which one it could be?, asks Julia with a stern look on her face.
Garry thinks about the question for a few minutes then says, I give up which building isn't represented here?.
With a giant smile on her dial Julia replies, Its a house of ill-repute so you could add to The Crossroad Of Life pro-creation and walks off towards the 4wd at the same time punching the air with her fist in victory.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.    

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 033: Seabed.

In turquoise water.
Skimming past barren Seabed.
Giant turtle hunts.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring, A Wicked Witch, A Moth and French Fries.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: Why did the Wicked Witch lose her way?.
A: Because her hat was pointing in the wrong direction!.

Peter Patient says, Doctor, Doctor, I think i'm a Moth.
Doctor Derek replies, Get out of my way your blocking my light!.

Q: What happened to Betty Blonde while bobbing for French Fries?.
A: She burnt her nose!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke. 

Friday, June 17, 2011

A Box Of Chocolates.

I asked the Sheila at the back of me.
Could she please expunge her hat.
The Sheila gave me A Box Of Chocolates.
I scoffed them all and handed them back.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 032: Sunlight.

Higher than my head.
The long black cloud creeps along.
Blotting out the bright Sunlight.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring Pity, Pondering and a Goat. 

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: When should you Pity a skunk?.
A: When it's spray is out of order!.

Lucas is sitting outside on a deck chair in the warm afternoon sun Pondering that if you smoke in a smoking jacket, sleep in a sleeping bag what do you do in a windbreaker?.
After a short nap Lucas comes to the conclusion that you can fart as much as you like in a windbreaker!.

Q: How should you treat a baby Goat?.
A: Like a kid!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, June 10, 2011

A Bonza Jest: Happy Holiday Makers.

During a violent thunderstorm and severe wind turbulence an aeroplane en-route to Hamilton Island is crammed with Happy Holiday Makers, when one of it's four turbine jet engines is struck by lightning catches fire and starts bellowing thick black smoke, flames and sparks to the horror of some passengers.
Over the intercom Paul the Pilot says, Attention passengers as you can see one of our engines has caught fire but there's only a very slight possibility that we'll prang into the ground or a mountain, so remain calm and i'll keep you updated as we go along, thank you for your patience.

A few minutes pass by while the passengers are talking amongst themselves about the possible pending disaster, when from about halfway along a row of seats Petra the passenger spits the dummy, unbuckles her seat belt, stands up and starts to disrobe until there's not a stitch of clothing left on her body. Petra starts running frantically down the aisle in her birthday suit screaming at the top of her lungs, is there anybody on board this plane man enough to make me feel like a real woman one more time before we prang into the ground or a mountain and all burn to a cinder, come on anybody.

Seated towards the front of the plane Declan the Dwarf unbuckles his seat belt, vaults out of his seat, sheds his shirt and blue jeans walks up to Petra and says, Here take these and iron 'em quick smart on the double before we prang, i want to look my best should i survive, you do know how to iron don't you, all sheila's should know it's there duty.
Gobsmacked and seeing red Petra throws Declans shirt and blue jeans in his face kicks him in the shins and screams you male chauvinist pig, storms off in a huff back to her seat and starts sooking.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.   

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 031: Stars.

On halcyon nights.
Diamond speck Stars fill the sky.
Bold palm fronds rustle.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, June 06, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring, Gossiping, Chuck and a Church Bell.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Mary is Gossiping with Lisa in her kitchen over a cup of coffee and says, A work colleague of mine just got divorced.
Lisa asks, How was the house split?.
It was split equally, she got the inside and he got the outside!.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?.
Chuck who?.
Chuck in a sandwich for lunch!.

Peter Patient says, Doctor, Doctor I think i'm a Church Bell.
Doctor Derek replies, Take this medication three times a day and if it doesn't work give me a bell!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, June 03, 2011

Wrapped In Brown Paper.

In the small town of Petrozavodsk in the north western Republic of Karelia, Gregor the post master is sorting through a small container on wheels which had just been delivered to the post office full of packages when he discovers a shoe box size package Wrapped In Brown Paper making a strange ticking sound. Thinking it could be a terrorist bomb Gregor carefully places the package on the front wooden counter then flees along with two other employees out onto the crowded street where he uses his mobile phone to call Russia's Anti-Terrorist Bomb Squad. 

Half an hour goes by when finally the Russian Anti-Terrorist Bomb Squad turn up in their unmarked armour plated lorry and set up down the road from the post office and promptly take control of the crime scene. A remote control robot is unloaded straight away that runs on rubber tank tracks, is mounted with a digital camera, mircophone and shotgun.

After checking out the remote control robot is in working order it proceeds up the footpath through the entrance of the post office where it halts about three feet away from the wooden counter. After levelling the shotgun at the package Wrapped In Brown Paper and blazing away bits of brown paper, cardboard and pieces of timber fly through the air, when out pops a gold coloured object that lands in front of the remote control robot merrily ticking away and is identified after closer inspection by using the mounted digital camera as only a gold plated vibrator which had turned itself on during transit and not a terrorist bomb as first thought.

This incident really occured not long after terrorists bombed Domodedovo Airport near Moscow in January leaving 37 people dead. So you can just imagine the Russian people would be a little bit nervous and on edge, thankfully it was only an innocent vibrator which is not even gold plated it's just my bizarre mind going into overdrive and adding bits and pieces to the original story in the newspaper. All places mentioned are real as is the Russian Anti-Terrorist Bomb Squad.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.   

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 030: Fish.

In crystalline sea.
Along sandy white bottom.
Rainbow hued Fish swim.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.