Friday, December 31, 2010

Random Hurmour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring, Dinner, A Knock, Knock And Scuba Divers.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Baby Monster asks, Mum, mum what's for dinner?.
Mum Monster replies, Be quiet and get back in the oven!.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?.
Abyssinia who?.
Abyssinia when i return!.

Burt Blonde and his best mate Rusty Redhead are sitting on a timber deck outside the local cafe that overlooks the sea dotted with small fishing boats enjoying a latte.
Burt Blonde asks, Why do Scuba Divers topple backwards off their boat?.
Rusty Redhead replies, If they toppled forward they'd still be in their boat!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
Happy New Year To All.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Fair Dinkum Haiku 08: Treasure.

In large wooden chest.
Buried below stout palm trees.
Treasure in soft sand.

(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, December 27, 2010

A Bonza Jest: Odd Strange Man.

The front door bell chimes and Mrs. White gets up from the kitchen table, wanders down the hallway, answers it only to be confronted by a Odd Strange Man she's never seen before in her life who asks, are your private parts below your belly button in working order?. Red faced and furious Mrs. White slams the front door in his face.

The Odd Strange Man repeats the same question five days in a row, fed up with the harassment Mrs. White decides to speak to her husband about the Odd Strange Man Mr. White says, i'll chuck a sickie tomorrow so when the Odd Strange Man asks you the same question say yes then we'll see what reaction you get.

As predicted the Odd Strange Man turns up the next day, Mrs. White opens the front door and he asks, are you private parts below your belly button in working order?, Mrs. White says, yes.

Awesome he says, then asks, could you tell your husband to cease using my wife's private parts below her belly button for his private pleasure. Gently Mrs. White closes the front door, charges down the hallway into the kitchen where Mr. White is sitting at the table and says, how dare you, then slaps him across the face so viciously that it sends him flying off the chair onto the tiled floor feeling a bit dazed and confused.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring, Knackers, A Turkey And A Light Globe.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: Why do dogs like to lick their Knackers?.
A: Because they can!.

Q: Why dosen't a Turkey go hungry at Christmas Time?.
A: Because he's always stuffed!.

Q: How many mystery writers would it take to screw in a new light globe?.
A: Two, One to screw it part of the way, the second writer to give it a surprise twist at the end!.

"Merry Christmas to all."
Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Fair Dinkum Haiku 07: Grass.

Through blustering winds.
Long green Grass whirl bend and twist.
Autumn leaves speak loud.

(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, December 20, 2010

R.S.P.C.A.'S Favourite Bizarre Calls For 2010.

The following is a bizarre list of calls made to the R.S.P.C.A.'S 24 hr advice and cruelty reporting line in 2010.

A caller reported a cat stuck on a roof, it actually turned out to be a satellite dish.

A woman caller who asked R.S.P.C.A. staff to speak with her husband who refused to get out of bed to walk the dog!!.

A unhappy woman called to report that a cat had been abandoned in her garden, she rang back later as it turned out to be a present from her husband!!.

A displeased shopper who wanted to find out how she could make sure she bought milk only from happy cows!!. Mooooo!!.

A woman called to report a creature in her bathroom but didn't know whether it was a spider or a hamster???. Just imagine a hamster with eight hairy long legs crawling around in your bathroom, very bizarre and scary. This one wins.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Friday, December 17, 2010

A Bonza Jest: Elegant Swan Dive.

During the afternoon Betty Blonde decided to have a few glasses of white wine and a meal at the local chinese restaurant after work where she'd meet up with Ruby Redhead whom she called on her mobile phone. Ruby Redhead arrived just as the 7 o' clock news on abc 1 was starting on the portable t.v. sitting on a card table tucked away in one corner of the restaurant. Betty Blonde had booked a table for two, so they both settled down to watch the live breaking news story as it happened each holding a glass of white wine.

First news story is about a bloke threatening to commit suicide by leaping of the notoroious west gate bridge spanning the cold murky waters of the yarra river in the Melbourne suburb of Spotswood. He'd managed to climb onto the steel safety rail and discovered it very difficult to keep his balance because of the strong winds.

Betty Blonde says, i'll bet you $100.00 he doesn't leap off.
Ruby Redhead replies, you're on and they sealed the bet with a firm handshake.
A few minutes later the bloke leaps off the bridge executing an Elegant Swan Dive into the cold murky waters of the yarra river.

Dumbfounded Betty Blonde hands a $100.00 to Ruby Redhead, she refuses to accept the payment and says, i saw the same news story on the 5 o' clock news on channel 10 and knew how it was going to pan out.
Betty Blonde replies, i did to, but i didn't think in my wildest dream he'd dive off the bridge again!.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Fair Dinkum Haiku 06: Hurricane.

Rolling waves crashing.
Ferocious Hurricane blows.
Silence gripped by eye.

(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring, Feet, Public Transport, A Ocean Cruise.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: Who was England's first chiropodist?.
A: William the Corncurer!.

Q: What type of Public Transport runs twice as fast when you're after it, than when you're in it?.
A: A Bus!.

Peter Patient is about to undertake an Ocean Cruise around the world and is very concerned he'll become severely seasick and won't have a ball during the cruise, so he consults with Doctor Derek.

Doctor Derek says, Consume 1 kilo of braised tomatoes prior to departure.
Peter Patient replies, Since when does consuming 1 kilo of braised tomatoes prevent severe seasickness?.
Doctor Derek replies, They won't, but they'll look really attractive floating in the water!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Fair Dinkum Haiku 05: Snow.

Gliding from the sky.
Skiing down the mountainside.
In tandem with cold soft snow.

(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Undead Creature.

Driving home just before sunset along a poorly lit dirt road after a busy day at the office Rusty Redhead was startled when he saw what looked like a Undead Creature standing in the middle of the road. Face of a vampire bat, large fangs, purple glaring eyes, body covered head to toe with thick wirey grey hair. Rusty Redhead stomped on the brakes sliding to a halt about half a metre from the Undead Creature, chucked his car into reverse, popped the clutch with wheels spinning and kicking up clouds of dust, he lost control in a panic and slid sideways into a boggy ditch, sinking to the axles.

After a moment or two Rusty Redhead grabbed his mobile phone, called for a tow truck to winch his car out of the boggy ditch, then police so he could make a statement of the incident with the Undead Creature. While making out the statement his car was winched out of the boggy ditch when the Policeman says, I really don't believe you seen a Undead Creature, you aren't drunk or stoned by the looks of you, all you need is a good night sleep and the hallucinations will stop the Tow Truck driver glanced at the Policeman and nodded in agreement. Seeing this as good advice Rusty Redhead jumped in his car took off in a cloud of dust, arriving home he fell straight into bed and slept like a baby until the following morning.

Drop by for a Visit on Friday for more Bizarre Scribble.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Monday, December 06, 2010

A Bonza Jest: Designated Decoy.

At closing time Ron Rozzer is staking out the small towns only pub waiting to catch drunk drivers. Don Driver rolls out of the pub wobbles and stumbles along the footpath trips over the raised concrete garden bed edge in the pub carpark, fumbles around for his car keys for 10 minutes, finally he fires up the engine roars off out of the pub carpark down the road, where Ron Rozzer with blue lights flashing and sirens wailing on his unmarked police car pulls him over.

Coming to a stop on the side of the road Ron Rozzer gets out of his unmarked police car strides over to Don Driver and asks him to take a breathalyzer test, after a few seconds the test result shows a blood alcohol reading of 0.0.

Gobsmacked Ron Rozzer asks, How can this be?, I saw you wobble and stumble along the footpath and into the pub carpark.
Don Driver replies, That's easy to answer because tonight i'm the Designated Decoy so everyone else can drive home drunk!.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Friday, December 03, 2010

Fair Dinkum Haiku 04: Skies.

In light opaque Skies.
High above a shapely cresent moon.
Bright yellow sun shines.

(c) 2010 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring, Lots Of Funiture, A Painful Knock, Knock And A Crowded Bus.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: Why did the parents of a blind boy rearrange the Furniture?.
A: To punish him for being naughty!.

Knock, Knock?.
Who's there?.
Abbey who?.
Abbey stung me on my bare bottom!.

Paul Passenger is sitting in an over crowded bus when Petra Passenger who's extremely obese and sitting across from him says, If you were a gentleman young man you'd stand up and let an older person sit down.

Paul Passenger replies, If you were a lady and not extremely obese you'd stand and let six older people sit down!!!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2010 Windsmoke.