Monday, February 28, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring, Fish, A Knock, Knock And Delicious Soup.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: Where do angel Fish go when they die?.
A: To heaven with all the other angels!.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?.
A fred.
A fred who?.
Who's a fred of the big bad wolf!.

Deep in the steamy lush green jungle Colin and Chris Cannibal are standing around a roaring camp fire with a large cast iron cooking pot suspended from a tree branch cooking meat and vegetable soup.
Speaking with a mouthful of soup Chris Cannibal says, Your wife makes a Delicious Soup tough but delicious.
Colin Cannibal replies, Yes, she does but i'm going to miss her dearly, but hey we gotta eat!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, February 25, 2011

A Bonza Jest: Elite Security Personnel.

A new security corporation calling itself World Wide Security Services (Wwss for short) are conducting job interviews for Elite Security Personnel. After all background checks, medicals, interviews are complete, three candidates are left standing, two male and a lone female.

For the final test a Wwss agent grabs one of the male rookie agents, marches him to a large metal sliding door hands him a pistol and says, In order for us to know whether you're capable of carrying out commands to the letter without flinching or delay your wife is behind that large sliding door strapped to a single bed, at the foot of the bed is a wooden chair you'll sit on the wooden chair and terminate your wife.
Male rookie agent says, You've gotta be winding me up i can't terminate my wife and i won't.
Wwss agent replies, You're not cut out to fill this position take your wife and go home.

The Wwss agent seizes the second male rookie agent and gives him the same command, he snatches the pistol from the Wwss agent, slides open the door storms inside the room. After a few minutes without a peep coming from the room the male rookie agent comes through the sliding door balling his eyes out and says, I tried but i just couldn't terminate my lovely wife.
Wwss agent replies, Looks like you don't have the knackers for this position either, take your lovely wife and go home.

Finally the Wwss agent grabs the lone female rookie agent and gives her the same command to terminate her husband, she snaps up the pistol, slides open the door wanders inside, starts shooting, shot after shot after shot then silence. Suddenly lots of crashing, smashing, banging and screaming is heard. Slowly the sliding door opens and out pops the lone female rookie agent huffing, puffing and sweating profusely.

A few minutes pass and she says, The pistol was loaded with blanks so i had to improvise and smash the wooden chair to bits and use the chair leg to complete the command. Wwss agent replies Well i guess you've got the knackers for this position, well done.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 016: Rope.

Coiled in the corner.
Rope resembles deadly snake.
Ready to defend.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring, A Shark, A Nudist And A Clothesline.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: Who is the most famous Shark?.
A: William Sharkspeare!.

Q: Why was Betty Blonde selling her washing machine and dryer?.
A: Because she's joining a Nudist coloney!.

I love you so dearly.
I love you so very much.
I wish your pyjamas.
Were next to my nighty.
Don't be mistaken.
Don't be misled.
I mean on the clothesline.
Not in the bed!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Baking Tadpoles Alive.

It just takes under 15 minutes for men's scrotal temparture to rise above what is considered safe when balancing a laptop computer on their groins, but men don't feel a thing according to research by Urologist Dr. Yefin Sheynkin at the State University of New York. So guys think about your poor tiny tadpoles swimming around in your knackers, you could be baking them alive and they could lose the spring in their tales to swim up river against the tide.

It was also discovered that men balancing their laptop computers on their groins, are heating up their knackers to unsafe levels causing potential reproductive problems. Next time guys when you balance your laptop computer on your groin you could also become sterile and start firing blanks because you're baking your poor tiny tadpoles alive.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 015: Leaves.

Gum trees stripped of Leaves.
By hungry koala's.
Lust for each other.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring, A Knock, Knock, An Orgasm And Warriors.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?.
Weevil who?.
Weevil work it out!.

Husband asks Wife, When you have an orgasm why don't you scream out my name?.
Wife replies, You're never around when it happens!.

One lucid morning.
In the belly of the night.
Two dead Warriors.
Got up to fight.
They fronted one another.
Drew their blades.
Then shot each other.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, February 11, 2011

A Bonza Jest: Confession Box.

It's saturday night and Burt Blonde and his best cobber Rusty Redhead are all dressed up to the nines and on the prowl for some serious action, first things first. Burt Blonde rolls up to the local parish church for confession, slips into the Confession Box, draws the curtain, waits a few minutes for Father Francis to arrive.

When Father Francis arrives and settles in Burt Blonde says, Forgive me Father for i have sinned, because i slept with a woman who was not my faithful wife.
Father Francis replies, I'm guessing it's Maiden Mary who works at the dairy farm down the road a piece.
Burt Blonde replies, No, But makes a mental note of Maiden Mary anyway for later on tonight.
Father Francis asks, Don't tell me it's Barmaid Beth from The Rose and Thistle Hotel across the road.
Burt Blonde replies, No, and again makes another mental note of Barmaid Beth for later on tonight.
Father Francis says, To be forgiven for your sins you must say ten hail mary's, kiss the cross, then get out of my sight.

After mumbling ten hail mary's, kissing the cross Burt Blonde quits the Confession Box, sprints through the church, out the door, down the concrete path and jumps into Rusty Redhead's ford ute parked outside the church and says with a wide grin on his face, Father Francis fell for it and gave me the names of two new slappers that could be up for it tonight if we play our cards right.

From out of the blue Father Francis is tapping on the utes window so Burt Blonde winds it down and asks, What's wrong Father?.
You know those two names i gave you before, well Maiden Mary is an old jersey cow and Barmaid Beth is a vicious Jack Russell watch dog. I knew what your game was right from the start better luck next time bye and walks off down the foothpath to the amazement of Burt Blonde who is lost for words.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 014: Bone.

Vulture spies jackal.
Gnawing on Bone stripped of flesh.
Vulture swoops to pinch.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, February 07, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring, Fleas, A Snowstorm And A Monkey.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Dan Dingo asks, How did you find those Fleas?.
Wally Wombat replies, I didn't they found me!.

Q: Why is a man like a Snowstorm?.
A: You never know when he's coming, How many inches you'll get or how long it will last!.

Q: What kind of business does king kong dabble in?.
A: Monkey business!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, February 04, 2011

A Bonza Jest: Furry Cuddly Toys.

After finishing their date for the evening Claire invites Roger to come upstairs to her bedroom, while waiting for Claire to slip into something revealing and comfortable in the en-suite, Roger admires the three shelves attached to the wall which are overflowing with all sorts of Furry Cuddly Toys. He notices the bottom shelf has really tiny ones, the middle shelf medium size ones and the top shelf has giant size ones.

All was forgotten when Claire entered the bedroom from the en-suite after slipping into something revealing and comfortable. Wasting no time Claire and Roger got down to it and made love. When it was all over and done Roger asks with a big smirk on his face, How was it for you?.

With a slight giggle, which Roger doesn't hear Claire replies, pretty terrible actually, you can choose a Furry Cuddly Toy from the bottom shelf only.
Why not from any of the other shelves?, asks Roger.
You'll have to perform a lot better than you did tonight to have a choice from the other shelves, Claire replies all the time smiling and giggling to herself.
Still not catching on, Roger spits the dummy gets dressed storms out of the house in a huff mumbling to himself.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 013: Snowballs.

Candy white Snowballs.
Made with pure fluffy snowflakes.
Ashen as chalk.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.