Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 021: Horizon.

Wind tossing my hair.
Sailing to the Horizon.
With no end in sight.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring, Fishermen, Fleas and In-Laws.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What type of profits do Fishermen make?.
A: Net profits!.

Q: How do Fleas travel around?.
A: They itch hike!.

This next one is my favourite, it's about the constant battle between in-laws which we encounter most of the time.
Betty Blonde is chatting to her next door neighbour Ruby Redhead over the wooden fence when her son in-law Lucas comes strolling up the driveway.
Betty Blonde says, At last Basil has finally turned up, an hour late i might add, he's always late, he'll be late for his own funeral.
Ruby Redhead asks, Why do you call your son in-law Basil, isn't his name Lucas?.
Betty Blonde replies, I've nicknamed him Basil because it stands for "Bloody Awful Son In-Law!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, March 25, 2011

A Bonza Jest: Abode Of The Damned.

During a violent struggle on the tiled kitchen floor with Harry the House Owner, Alec the Cat Burglar is stabbed twice in the chest with a large stainless steel carving knife by Harry who was trying to prevent Alec from making a clean get away with two pillow cases full of electronic devices so he could pawn them to feed his heroin addiction. Sadly Alec passed away from his wounds inflicted by a remorseful Harry.

After Alec's funeral he ended up in the Abode Of The Damned and is greeted at the flaming gates by Lucifer himself who says, Punishments dished out here are many and varied and may be changed by me at anytime, you must choose your first punishment right away. Lucifer and Alec amble down a short tunnel lit by glowing red walls and floor that show the way to the end where three torture chambers are carved into the glowing red walls. Lucifer says, This is where punishments are dished out to the Damned.

In the first torture chamber directly in front of Alec is a bloke suspended in mid-air by chains of fire around his ankles and wrists and is being whipped by a undead entity of flames.
In the second torture chamber to the right of Alec is a young woman also suspended in mid-air, facing the red glowing floor with chains of fire wrapped around her whole body and is being smacked with a stick of fire by another undead entity of flames. Alec says, There's no way i'll choose the first two punishments, what's next.

Alec walks across to his left towards the third torture chamber and sees a gorgeous redhead performing fellatio on a decrepit wrinkly bloke who is tied to a stone chair by chains of fire. Alec says, I choose this punishment first over the other two anyday. Lucifer walks into the torture chamber, taps the gorgeous redhead on the shoulder and says, ok, you can stop now, you've been relieved by this dumb bunny.
Realising his mistake Alec panics dashes back up the short tunnel, slams headlong into the tall flaming gates and disappears into the dark forboding waste land beyond.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 020: Dreams.

Vivid memory.
Of a dark crazy island.
Where vicious Dreams grow.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring, A Glass Eye, One Eye And Yo Mama.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: How can you tell if a pirate has a Glass Eye?.
A: When it pops out during a punch up!.

Q: How do hurricanes see where there're going?.
A: With One Eye!.

Olive is so obese that while out walking along the foot path in the misty rain wearing her extremely large sized bright yellow rain coat minding her own business when suddenly from across the street Harry Hoon hollers, Yo Mama you're so obese people think you're a yellow taxi cab and shout "TAXI".
Harry flees the scene along the slippery foot path chuckling to himself, trips over a small leafy branch and lands flat on his pimply face in a puddle of glutinous muddy water.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, March 18, 2011

A Bonza Jest: Desert Island.

Sam Sailor, Daisy Dog and Serena Sheep are stranded on a small Desert Island with no food, water or shelter and not much else really. Months come and go quickly with no chance of being rescued at all by passing ships or boats. One night when all is quite and everyone is asleep Sam Sailor tip toes over to Serena Sheep flips her over onto her back drops his daks, flops out his old fella, when suddenly Daisy Dog wakes up, starts growling, barking and snarling at the same time circling Sam Sailor and Serena Sheep frightening Sam Sailor away.

At dawn the next day all three go for a walk along the beach looking for rescue ships or boats but to no avail. From out of nowhere Sam Sailor hears screaming and splashing, gazes around, spots a Sheila drowning a few metres off shore he charges down the beach into the calm waters recsues the Drowning Sheila, brings her back up onto the beach.

Sam Sailor gently drops the Drowning Sheila onto the sand, then realises she is very attractive with a hour glass figure, long dark curly hair and wearing a skimpy black bikini. Drowning Sheila says, you saved my life how can i ever repay ya?.

Sam Sailor recalls last nights incident when Daisy Dog interrupted him from having nookie with Serena Sheep and says, There's one thing you can do for me. What's that name it, Drowning Sheila replies.
Take that blasted Daisy Dog for a long walk so i can have my way with Serena Sheep.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 019: Toilet.

Distinctive red stripe.
Venomous red back spider.
Under Toilet seat.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups Today I'm Featuring, Rain, Dough And Salad Sandwiches.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?.
Willis who?.
Willis Rain ever stop!.

Q: What do you call a person that's crazy about money?.
A: A Dough nut!.

After making a slight miscalculation on a customers monthly invoice, Agnes the accountant is being reprimanded sternly in front of her work colleagues by supervisior Sam who says, If you had two Salad Sandwiches and i asked for one, How many would you have left?.
Red-faced and furious Agnes screams, If it was you who asked i'd still have two salad sandwiches left ya bozo!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Funky Anagrams.

What's an Anagram, it's a word or phrase which the letters are rearranged to form another word or phrase.

Rearrange "SLOT MACHINES" you get "CASH LOST IN ME".


Rearrange "ASTRONOMER" you get "MOON STARER".

Rearrange "A DECIMAL POINT" you get "I'M A DOT IN PLACE".


Rearrange "SNOOZE ALARM" you get "ALAS NO MORE Z'S".

This final Anagram is a classic and my favourite because it's for all you married men out there who have the mother in law from hell because when you Rearrange "MOTHER IN LAW" you get, wait for it "WOMAN HITLER".

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 018: Eruptions.

Super Eruptions.
Appear throughout the milky way.
Create fierce black holes.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Monday, March 07, 2011

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome To Random Humour For Grown Ups, Today I'm Featuring, A Stomach, A Shower and Love.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Peter Patient asks Doctor Derek, Is it ok to surf the internet on an empty Stomach?.
Doctor Derek replies, No, you should surf the internet on a computer!.

Q: Which animal do you look like when you hop under the Shower?.
A: A little bear!.

On a dark and stormy night.
I Love myself.
I think i'm gorgeous.
I sit in the cinema.
And hold my hand.
I put my arm around my waist.
And when i get sassy.
I whack myself!.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Friday, March 04, 2011

A Bonza Jest: Squeaky Voice.

Gary Golfer is telling a yarn to a bunch of people and says, I'm having a terrible day on the golf course when out of the blue just as i'm about to tee off again i hear this Squeaky Voice say, use your three wood, gazing around i couldn't see anyone near by, again i hear the same Squeaky Voice say, use your three wood.

Peering into my tee box i discovered a tiny frog had camped out there telling me to use my three wood. Crazy as it may sound i did and to my surprise smashed that little white golf ball a good two hundred yards or more. At the next hole the tiny frog said to use a five iron i listened and ended up with my very first hole in one ever and made birdie on the rest of the holes it was the best game of golf ever thanks to the little frog.

In the evening i popped my little frog into the pocket of my shirt, wandered next door to the casino to play roulette my little frog told me in that Squeaky Voice which numbers to place my betting chips on and i won each and every time and made a small fortune. After a few hours had elapsed i was becoming tired so i called it a night wandered back to my hotel room placed my little frog in the tee box sitting on the wooden bedside chest of draws when suddenly the little frog says, in that Squeaky Voice "Kiss Me".

Gobsmacked i refused at first but thought what've i got to lose and planted a sloppy one on the little frog before my very eyes he turned into this gorgeous, well developed, underage, fifteen year old girl. That's the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me god your honour and members of the jury as to why a gorgeous, well developed, underage, fifteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Fair Dinkum Haiku 017: Blisters.

Timber deck alight.
Boy stood crying in bare feet.
Hot painful Blisters.

(c) 2011 Windsmoke.