Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Seatbelts, Jar Of Jam and Riddle Me This.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What's the first thing ghosts do when they hop into their cars?.
A: They boo.......kle up their Seatbelts!.

Q: Why did the child dance on the Jar Of Jam?.
A: Because the lid said twist to open!.

Riddle Me This.
What can run, but never walks.
Has a mouth, but never talks.
Has a head, but never weeps.
Has a bed, but never sleeps.

Scroll down for a clue.

Nearly there.

The Clue: One of my Blogging Cobbers goes by this.
Leave your answer in comments and i'll post the answer in comments Thursday morning.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(C) 2012 Windsmoke.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Old Homeless Woman Pt 1.

Trudging along the short driveway of the Contention Firewood Supply is Anya Angel an Old Homeless Woman whose urging a supermarket trolley chock-a- block with all her worldly possessions. Dressed in tattered shirt 'n' skirt and naked underneath, runners with her toes poking out the many holes, full length oversized dirty white fur coat that drags on the ground, a straw hat, fingerless black woollen gloves, grubby face that only a mother could love, unwashed tangled and matted dark shoulder length hair that hasn't  seen shampoo for many a moon.

Coming up to the main office Anya parks her supermarket trolley beside a flight of stairs which she climbs, opens the front door setting off a loud buzzer that alerts Lucas Lavender and Josh Juniper who are in the kitchen eating breakfast.
Lucas wanders into the main office and asks, how can i help you today lady?.
Are you Lucas Lavender?, replies Anya.
Yes i am and you are?.
My name is Anya Angel, is your business partner Josh Juniper?.
Standing in the doorway is Josh who says, that would be me.
What's this all about lady?, asks Lucas.
I have proposition that will benefit all three of us.
We're listening.
I believe you two know the network of caves and tunnels in the Contention National Park Mountains like the back of your hands.

When we were little tackers we explored every inch of those caves and tunnels and know every cave and tunnel there is. 
I bet you don't know about the hidden cave at the end of the third tunnel on your left from the cave entrance.
That's always been a deadend.
What's hidden in the cave?, asks Josh.
There's a wall niche at the back of the cave that contains three pottery flagons which have their spouts sealed with wax. The one i'm interested in has the image of a red kangaroo, can you and Lucas liberate the kangaroo flagon for me, you'll be well compensated for your trouble.

The silence is deafening until Lucas asks, what's in it for us?
I'm offering to pay you and Josh $50.000 to liberate my kangaroo flagon, $25.000 now, $25.000 on delivery, do we have a deal?.
Show us the colour of your money.

Anya reaches inside her dirty white fur coat and pulls out a large brown envelope and says, this is the first payment of $25.000, she drops it on the wooden counter in front of Lucas, who scoops it up, thumbs through its contents as Josh walks up behind him and peers over his shoulder and says, lady you've got a deal.

Now we've gotta work out whether to dig or blast our way into the cave, says Lucas.
Neither of those options will be necassary, replies Anya, just be in the tunnel at the witching hour in two days time and you'll be able to smash your way through with a couple of club hammers, liberate my kangaroo flagon, deliver it to me on the old bridge spanning the Contention River where you'll receive your final payment of $25.000. Anya then walks out of the office, grabs her supermarket trolley and disappears into the hazy distance. To Be Continued..........

Join me next Saturday Afternoon for Pt 2 of Old Homeless Woman, until then keep smiling.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.            

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Fair Dinkum Haiku 099: Regal.

Beyond Regal clouds.
Snowcapped pinnacles advance.
Toward the heavens.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: Firemen, Walking and Open And Close.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: Why do Firemen have larger knackers than policemen?.
A: Because they sell more raffle tickets!.

Standing under the front veranda at Rusty Redheads house is Lucas Lavender and Rusty who are each holding a mug of hot chocolate watching the heavy rain tumble down when Lucas says, Did you know Grandpa Lavender started Walking five kilometres a day when he turned ninety?.
That's a top effort, replies Rusty.
Trouble is Grandpa hasn't come back and we don't know where on earth he's got to!.

Q: Which profession can get away with telling a woman to Open And Close her mouth?.
A: The Dentist!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

A Bonza Jest: Sign Language.

Its a bright sunny morning on the construction site of the new Contention City Arts Centre, where Colin Conifer rolls up in his 4wd ute loaded to the brim with toolboxes. He stops, jumps out grabs two toolboxes and makes his way over to the lift, hops in, closes the wire mesh sliding door, pokes the up button with his finger for the third level. With a loud whine of the ancient electric motor the lift slowly rises until it stops with a jolt at the third level. Colin decamps and starts preparing for work. First job on the cards is to cut a piece of timber. Rummaging around in one of his toolboxes for a handsaw, which is nowhere to be seen, when it dawns on him he's left it in the 4wd ute. What a pain i'll have to go all the way back down to the ground, unless he mumbles.

Knowing that Daniel Dandelion is working on the dusty ground below, Colin wanders over to the safety rail, takes a gander and spots Daniel's yellow hardhat. Screaming at the top of his lungs at Daniel, its no use because of all the racket going on he can't be heard. Scanning the floor around him he claps eyes on a tiny piece of timber, lobs it at Daniel and it strikes him fair and square on his yellow hardhat which grabs Daniel's attention. Looking up Daniel catches on that Colin is using Sign Language.

First Colin points to his eye meaning "I", then points to his knee meaning "NEED", then moves his hand back and forth in a sawing motion meaning "SAW".
Understanding that Colin needs a handsaw, Daniel drops his jeans, makes a fist, lowers it to his groin area and gives the universal sign of onanism to let Colin know he understands the message. Taking the message the wrong way Colin strides across to the lift, pokes the ground floor button, when he reaches the ground floor with a jolt, he sprints at a cracking pace toward Daniel, shirt fronts him and they both fall heavily to the dusty ground with Colin on top and he screams, What's the big idea calling me that all i needed was was a handsaw, What've you got to say for yourself?.

I know you want a handsaw, i was telling you i'm "COMING", replies Daniel.
Well that's alright then, since i'm down here i'll get the damned handsaw myself.
What ever floats ya boat cobber.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke. 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Fair Dinkum Haiku 098: Dust.

Fluffy Dust motes.
Cavort through tiny sunbeams.
Via window pane.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: A Woman, A Moustache and A Disease.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: What do ya call A Woman who always knows where her husband is?.
A: A widow!.

George Green wanders into the Contention Hotel orders a beer and is gobsmacked at the sight of Billy the barman because he's built like a brick outhouse, has bulging muscles and covered in tattoos, unshaven and sweaty.

A few minutes pass by when Billy realises that George is staring at him and asks, what are ya staring at cobber?.
Stone the crows cobber you look identical to someone i know if it wasn't for the Moustache, replies George.

I don't have a Moustache.
I know but my wife does!.

Doctor Derek asks, have you ever had this disease before?.
Yes, replies Peter Patient.
Well, you've got it again!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Upon The Stairs.

On a dark and stormy night
lurking in the shadows
Upon The Stairs
when lightning flashes
i see a shadowy figure
in hooded robe
bright eyes staring
smiling teeth
weilding a scythe
has death itself
come for me?.

I come awake
with a start
quiver like a leaf
in pools of sweat.
Leap out of bed
peer out my
bedroom door
toward the stairs.

Shake my head
and ponder, was
that shadowy figure
really there
Upon The Stairs
or in my ugly

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Fair Dinkum Haiku 097: Avarice.

Large elegant whales.
Harried to near extinction.
By mans Avarice.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Random Humour For Grown Ups.

Welcome to Random Humour For Grown Ups. Today I'm Featuring: No Cups, 24HRS and Dig Up.

So wrap ya laughing gear around this lot and enjoy the ride.

Q: Why is a bad soccer team like an old bra?.
A: No Cups and very little support!.

Its close to sunset when Jade Juniper rolls up to the 24HRS Contention Convenience Store only to find the Ollie the owner locking the front door.
Hey cobber, you're sign says you're open 24HRS a day, says Jade.
Staring at Jade through tired eyes Ollie says, But not 24HRS in a row!.

Q: Who do ghosts invite to their birthday parties?.
A: Anyone they can dig up!.

Until next time keep smiling it costs nothing.
(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Saturday, February 04, 2012

Another Night.

When my lover
walked away
never thought
i'd be okay.
I believed i'd
overcome these
love sick blues.

I'll probably die
a bodger
a uneasy fella.
I may not leave
my mark on this
insane world.
I'd harmonize
my humanity
if you would
spend Another
Night with me.

You slipped into your
dark trench coat
real slow.
I've grovelled.
I've fallen apart.
Still you wouldn't
spend Another
Night with me.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.

Thursday, February 02, 2012

Fair Dinkum Haiku 096: Noble.

Snowcapped pinnacles.
Rise up toward the heavens.
Beyond Noble clouds.

(c) 2012 Windsmoke.