Monday, February 04, 2013

A Bonza Jest: Earthling!.

Its midnight and closing time at the Contention Roadhouse where Larry Lavender works part time. Larry snaffles the petrol bowzer keys and padlocks of their hooks, walks outside, padlocks the nozzles to the petrol bowzers, wanders over to the shabby, smelly amemities block has a quick Captain Cook inside to see if anyone is hiding in there, turns off the lights, locks the door, swaggers back to the Roadhouse locks the back door, turns off the lights inside and out, locks the front door, swaggers over to his brand new white V8 ute climbs in, fires up the engine, crashes it into first gear, plants the foot and takes off like the clappers in a cloud of red dust.

In the still of the night a bright light appears in the night sky which moves toward the Roadhouse at blinding speed. In the moonlight the bright light is a sleek alien spacecraft from the matricarchal ruled planet of Zangora which is ten trillion light away. Its triangular in shape with a see through domed bridge smack bang in the middle. Three landing struts with slim round feet are lowered and with the aid of small thrusters it gently touches down in the neighbouring wheat field.

Soon after landing Captain Aurora Alien whose a typical alien from the planet Zangora with a oblong head, bald pate, dark square eyes, L shaped nose, pin sized nostrels, squiggly mouth, cauliflower ears, stogy torso, broom handle limbs, bony fingers, webbed feet and a grey wrinkly hide says to Ensign Alice Alien whose the spitting image of her, i'll lower the ramp so you can seek out an Earthling to make contact with.
Roger, replies Ensign Alice.

When Ensign Alice reaches the bottom of the ramp she gazes around, spots the Roadhouse, waddles through the wheat field, across the concrete driveway, halts in front of the nearest petrol bowzer and demands, Earthling!, we come in peace, take me to your leader.
Not a peep is heard from the petrol bowzer.
Dumbfounded she asks again, Earthling!, we come in peace, take me to you leader.
Still not a peep.
She spits the dummy, storms off back to the spacecraft where she is confronted by Captain Aurora who asks, what happened?.
I found an Earthling but couldn't get a peep out of him.
Tongue tied is he, we'll see about that, stand aside and watch how a professional does it.
Yes Captain, i'd be very careful because i have a funny feeling in my water that this Earthling is bad news.
Your concern has been noted.

Furious Captain Aurora storms down the ramp through the wheat field across the concrete driveway and halts in front of the same petrol bowzer and demands, Earthling!, this your last chance, we come in peace, take me to your leader.
Still not a peep.
Ok, you asked for it. She draws her laser pistol, aims and fires at the petrol bowzer which inturn explodes in a large fireball knocking her off her webbed feet, across the highway where she lands on her scrawny backside.

Dazed and confused she high tails it back to the spacecraft and shouts, lets make tracks outta here on the double.
Roger Captain, may i ask what happened?.
I drew my laser pistol and fired on the Earthling and was blown across the highway by a massive explosion. I reckon these Earthlings are not very friendly at all.
I was afraid something nasty was gunna happen.
How did ya workout something nasty was gunna happen?
I reckon anyone who can wrap his willy around his feet then stick it in his right ear would be one nasty mongrel to deal with.
You sized up the situation correctly, well done. Now like i ordered before lets make tracks outta here on the double and locate a planet with more friendly beings.

(c) 2013 Windsmoke.    


Andrew said...


River said...

They would have to be the dumbest aliens I've ever read about.

FruitCake said...

Ha ha, the best portrait of what an alien looks like I've ever encountered :)